Alexithymia

*Joseph* 

My body went numb when I saw him point at her. I noticed Jackson’s interest in Sandra but how would a brother outside the circle know. “Sit down and shut your mouth or I will escort your dumb ass out of here.” Jay stood up and threatened before I could respond. Some of the other brother’s looked at the man, but most kept their heads forward. The man looked at Jay and waved his hand as if to dismiss him but was silenced nonetheless. I took a mental note to talk with the man after the service. “As I was saying, Jackson meant a lot to this family, our brotherhood, and I will forever be grateful for his sacrifice.” I pulled the lid from the urn of ashes and sat them on the podium in front of me. I placed my hand inside and started to sprinkle them all over the ground. “Here lies Jackson among the most heroic and cherished. See you on the other side brother.” After spreading what I needed to of his ashes, I left the urn sitting and sat down beside of Sandra. Her eyes were wide and her breathing rapid. The man in the back had made her uncomfortable and anxious, and that pissed me off. This was just as much for her to pay respects as it was for them. I leaned back in my seat and discreetly told the others I wanted to speak with the man in the office after the service. I looked behind me and got the nods letting me know they received my message. I reached for Sandra’s hand and squeezed it. “It’s okay Sunshine.” She took a deep breath in letting it out slowly. “I know.” She didn’t sound convinced. 

After the ashes were gone from the others spreading them, they started to depart from the garden. I watched as Zeus and Jay cornered the man who spoke during the service and walked him out. The other brothers looked on like the man was being carried out in chains. I assured them I just wanted to talk to him and walked back into the compound with Sunshine and Henry. “Keep an eye on the Sun Chef, I have to deal with this now.” Henry looked at Sandra and smiled. “You want a snack, Sunshine? I am hungry.” She laughed and told him that he was always hungry and followed him to the kitchen. I watched as they walked away before heading into the office. I sat down at the desk. “What’s your name Brother?” I asked calmly. No, I didn't know all of the brothers. The lower soldiers are usually recruited by our territory leaders. I don't meet them first. I trust my leaders to select them accurately. “My name is Ken, boss.” His attitude has changed now that he feels like he is some kind of trouble. “Ken, do you know who I am?” I asked, redundantly. I knew he did, but I wanted him to remember the chain of command. He looked up at me like I had lost my mind. “Yes, I know who you are. Smoke.” He looked at Zeus and Jay like they would back him up but their eyes were focused on me. “Why would you say what you said in the service?” I asked, showing more of my distain for his actions. “Jackson was my brother.” He said, looking down now. “He was a brother to us all.” Zeus spoke up, slightly irritated by his answer. I put my hand up to let Zeus know I could handle it. He clenched his jaw. “Look Boss, I’m sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. I drank too much and haven't slept.” I smacked my hand down on the table. “I asked WHY you said it? Why would you think anything like that?” I clarified, losing my patience. “He joked before he left the city, boss. He was into her.” His words felt like a fire started inside of me. “Jackson was a soldier. He was a brother. You disgraced his memory in there. You will apologize to Sunshine and to the brothers.” Ken put his face in his hands and started to sob. “I am going to miss him so much, boss.” Seeing him break down softened me some. I thought of how distraught I was over Mason. “Then let us not disgrace his sacrifice with lies and gossip.” The man nodded at me and was dismissed. “I will make sure he apologizes immediately boss.” Zeus said following him out the door. 

Jay sat down in the chair in front of me and I could tell something was on his mind. “Did you know boss?” I assumed he was asking if I knew Jackson had a thing for Sandra. “I did. I addressed it. It was past tense by the time Tommasso took him. I don't know if that had any weight on what he did, and I don't care. I respect what he did and will forever be grateful of his sacrifice.” Jay nodded in agreement. I was ready to go back to the safe house, our home, our safe haven, but I had promised we could stay and plan the wedding with Sophia. I walked out of the office and went in search for Sandra. She was sitting in the dining area eating some type of desert with Sophia and Henry. “When will we be trying on dresses?” I heard Henry ask, sounding more excited than the ladies. Sandra smiled at him and explained they had already picked out some to try on, pulling out the book like magic to show him the selections. A smile snuck up on me as I walked to the table. “Well, Chef, what dress will you be wearing?” I asked leaning down to kiss my fiancé on the forehead. It still seemed strange knowing I was going to marry. I never expected to want that kind of life. Sandra, my Elizabeth, is the only one who could have made that a possibility in my life. Henry gave me a middle finger response and we both laughed. “a brotherhood wedding is just what the doc ordered, boss.” Hector said coming up behind me. “You think so?” I asked, and he nodded patting me on the back. I don't allow many men, outside of my circle, get that close to me, but Hector is trusted. “You got any marriage advice for me, old man?” I asked looking back at him. He chuckled, “You aren’t the boss with her, boss.” He laughed even harder after sharing his wisdom. “Soph, why don't you just have them bring the dresses here? The florist too. I know Henry will probably do the catering. So, within a day you would have most of what you need taken care of?” Hector said while placing his arm around his long-time wife. She looked up at me and I nodded. “let’s make sure they are well vetted, and that most of these extra brothers have made their way back to their own compound.” Both my men and Hector also nodded. It was set; we were going to plan our wedding. I was going to make Sandra my Queen.