Chapter 45

Lilly

I called Merigold over to the clubhouse to talk. I need advice on a few things and she is the only person I trust. I hear her knock on my door and come in. “ Please close the door.” I say. She does and comes to sit on the bed beside me. “ What's going on, Lilly? You sounded urgent on the phone.” Merigold says. I hear Harley whimper so I give him a good scratching letting him know I’m ok. “ I’m sorry, Merigold. I didn’t mean to sound that way. I just needed to talk to someone. And I trust you. So I was hoping you could help.” I told her. “ I’ll help you any way I can. But you have to tell me what it is first.” Merigold replies. Right, I need to tell her what I need. I’ll start with the least embarrassing thing I need.

“ As you know there are things that are difficult for me to do. Like girl things. I was wondering if you knew some place I could go to get some help?” I ask. “ Lilly, do you mean waxing?” Merigold asks. “ Yea. I mean I could probably do it myself but I’m too scared. And if you.” Merigold cuts me off. “ Lilly, I understand. I would be scared too. I can set you up an appointment with the place I use. We will make it a girls day. Manicure, pedicure, the works.” “ Oh that sounds nice. I have never had a girls day out before. I would like that. Thank you.” I take a deep breath. Now for the hard part.

“ I need to ask something very personal. My mom died before she had a chance to talk about certain things. Now I know the basics from health class and I have seen a few things. But I was hoping you had some tips or some advice you could give me. Since I’m Tank’s ol’e lady now I know things are going to happen soon. And I would like to know. You know how to please him. So he won’t get bored or anything.” I know I’m rambling. I do it when I’m nervous. I don’t know if Merigold might get offended by me asking about sex. “ I can’t look up videos or porn or read books now. Although maybe I could find an app that would describe it to me.”

Merigold places her hands on mine. “ Lilly calm down. It is ok. I will answer any question I can. I know you are nervous and that is perfectly normal. Everyone is their first time. Even if they are in love with each other. But first let's talk about Tank. He will not ever be bored of you. I know he loves you. I can see it. I’m just happy he can finally see it.” “ But he is so much more experienced than me. And he has been with women who have more skills than I do. I have no skills at all. I know I'm going to do something wrong.” I say. “ Lilly, Tank knows you are a virgin in all ways. And he is ok with that or he wouldn’t be with you. I think he probably gets a rush off the fact that he gets all of your firsts.” She is right about that. Tank has said as much to me before.

“ As for your first time. I will answer all your questions I can. But you have to remember my experience is limited as well. I was going to marry the guy who took my virginity. When he died I thought I was done with that until I met Axel and Rowdy. And I married them. But the most important thing I can tell you when it comes to sex. You have to communicate with your partner. You need to be able to tell Tank your likes and dislikes. If Tank is doing something you are uncomfortable with, tell him. Don’t suck it up because you think he likes it.” I can do that. So far he hasn’t done anything I haven’t liked but there may come a time when I do.

“ I can do that.” I said. “ Good. But it goes the other way as well. If you are curious about something. Or you want to try something. Tell Tank. You will figure this out together. And if he is doing something you like let him know. The poor guy isn’t a mind reader.” I can do all of this. But I’m worried about the first time. And I tell Merigold this. “ I’m sorry to say but yes the first time can hurt. How bad depends on who you are with and how much they get you ready. But I trust that Tank is going to take care of you. To not only make sure you are ready but to also make sure it is as good for you as it is for him. In this case I would recommend that you let him take the lead. Let him walk you through it. As much I’m sure you don’t want to think about the experience he has. In this case it will work in your favor.” she says.

I listen to her advice and take it to heart. “ What about birth control? Should I have condoms? Where do I buy them? And is it true there are different sizes? How do I know what size to get?” “ Condoms, you let Tank handle that. As much as I cringe at the idea of this I know the single guys always carry some with them. But I also know first hand they aren’t always effective. That is how I got Kadance and Kassidy. We believe the condoms broke. If you want to get on birth control as extra protection I will take you to my doctor and get you on some.`` I think about it for a second. Is that what I want to do. Tank and I have never discussed having kids. And I am just now his ol’e lady. Do I want to have kids right away? “ Merigold is the birth control thing, something I should talk to Tank about? He hasn’t mentioned kids.” I ask. Merigold squeezes my hand. “ Yes, that is something I would talk to Tank about. But I want you to think about what is right for you. How do you feel about having kids? Tank’s kids.”

I haven’t thought about it until now. I always thought I would have kids one day. I have wanted to have kids for as long as I can remember. But now. I don’t know. “ Honestly, I would love to have Tank’s kids. Have little versions of him running around with Kassidy and Kadence. But I’m scared. With me being blind how can I be a good mother. How can I take care of the baby? I feel like this is just one more thing the people who hit me took from me.” I whisper.

I didn’t even realize I was crying until Merigold wiped my tears from my face. I feel her movement and she pulls me close to her. “ I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to cry all over you.” I sniffle. “ Oh no honey. You let it out. It is ok. You have nothing to feel sorry about. You have every right to be upset. But I want you to listen to me very carefully. You are going to make an excellent mother. You have been great with my kids. That is why I made you the girls’ godmother. Yes there are some things you can’t see. But you are still good with my kids. You have some limitations but that is ok. I know you, you find a way to work around them. I’m sure there are plenty of blind people who have raised kids. So there is a way to do it. And most importantly, you aren’t alone. You have me. The whole club of would be uncles that have your back. And Tank. And let’s not forget Harley. Between all of us I’m sure we can help you with your dream of becoming a mom. When you are ready. You haven't let your being blind stop you so far. So don’t let it stop you from achieving the rest of your dreams.”

Merigold keeps holding me while I think about everything she has said. She is right. I have kept pushing forward and I’m not going to stop now. I have things I need to talk to Tank about but in the end I’m going to keep fighting for my dreams. I will not let fear stop me.