Chapter Seventy Three
*Trigger warning*
Topics include self-harm and unaliving oneself.
Lincoln
Raleigh.
All I can think about is my girl.
I go to sleep at night thinking about her.
I wake up in the morning thinking about her.
All throughout the day, all I think about is her.
Well her and the babies.
And how badly I’ve fucked everything up.
I know that I’ve lost her and I can hardly fucking take it. It’s killing me. I’m trying to act as though everything is fine, but I feel like I’m just going through the motions, laughing when I’m expected to laugh, smiling when I’m expected to smile, making this or that smartass remark, trying to be the old Lincoln, the *me* before the broken heart but with each day that passes I’m finding it harder and harder to keep up the facade.
If I’m honest, I’m starting to wonder what the point of my life even is if I don’t have her in it.
Is there any point to life if you can’t spend it with the person who means the most to you? The one who consumes you and your every waking thought, and even your unconscious ones?
Bos and I are in the weightroom lifting after school and I can’t even keep my head on what we’re supposed to be doing. I’m trying to make conversation, giving Bos shit about Aspen and how she’s going to give him hell and what-not but it’s forced and I could honestly care less about it and that’s not like me. My brothers and I have always been close, I’ve always been invested in our conversations, never had to fake it before and now…*fuck*…
“You want to talk about it?” Bos asks, his voice infiltrating my thoughts and causing me to flinch.
“Huh?”
“Look, I can tell that you’re not okay,” He says, giving me a deadpan look.
I heave a sigh and shake my head before murmur “It’s nothing.” I’m quiet for a few beats before continuing. “Just have a lot on my mind.”
“You know that you can talk to me, right?” I know that I can, I’ve always been able to, that’s how part of how our relationship has always been, but I don’t even know where to start.
Unable to meet his eyes, I mutter a quick “*thanks*” and get back to lifting ignoring his offer to talk.
Grabbing the weighted bar from me and lifting it back up onto the rack, Bos growls, “Are you fucking kidding me, bro?”
“Just fucking drop it! Okay?” I say jumping up off the bench and walking away from Bos, towards my locker.
“No! Not okay and I’m not going to drop it,” Bos is following after me, not taking the hint that I want to be left the fuck alone. Grabbing ahold of my shoulder, he tries to turn me around, when I don’t budge, he heaves a sigh and says, “You need to talk about whatever the fuck is going on in your head, man. Shit isn’t easy to talk about, trust me, I get it. But, your thoughts will spiral out of control and go down a dark path real quick if your not careful.”
I release a humorless laugh and shake my head, turning to face my brother who I know means well but all he’s doing is pissing me off more. “You know fuck all about my situation. This isn’t like what happened between you and Aspen. And quite frankly, I doubt she would care if I did go and off myself. I’ve tried reaching out, asking for her to call me and I got nothing. She’s done with me…she’s fucking done with me…” I turn around and burying my face in my hands as I begin sobbing, which just pisses me the fuck off.
“Linc, man—” Bos starts as he places his hand on my shoulder. With a snarl, I jerk away and throw a punch at the lockers before bolting from the locker room. “Bro, wait!” Bos shouts, calling after me. I can hear his footsteps as he runs after me and I know that if he wanted to catch me that he could.
Thank fuck, he lets me go.
Not having anywhere else to go, I take my time making my way home, as my thoughts continue to spin out of control.
By the time I get to the house, I know that everyone else is already there but I don’t feel like dealing with anyones shit. As soon as I enter the house, I immediately hear Dad shouting, but even that doesn’t pique my interest.
I make my way up the stairs, ignoring the sounds of the growing shouts beneath me as I make my way to my room and grab some clean clothes before heading back out to take a shower, knowing that between lifting after school and running all the way back home, that I smell like shit.
I get the water turned to just the right temperature and then begin stripping out of my sweat soaked t-shirt and shorts. I open the medicine cabinet to grab my shaving cream and razor when I see a razor that I don’t recognize sitting on the shelf there next to mine. Picking it up, I begin inspecting it. It’s nice, all metal and uses a straight blade, unlike mine which is one of those cheap disposable things.
Deciding that I’m going to have to look into getting one for myself, I put it back but when I do, I accidentally knock off a brown envelope into the sink. Picking it up, I open it and take a peek inside, finding spare blades.
Pulling one out, I run my finger along the blade, testing it’s sharpness. It immediately cuts deep into my finger, making blood pour from the cut. Ignoring the blood, I put the envelope back into the cabinet and climb into the shower.
I go through the motions of showering. As usual lately, my mind returns to thoughts of Raleigh and how if I can’t be with her, that I don’t even want to be. That my life isn’t worth living if I can’t spend the rest of it showing her how much I love her.
The soap hits the cut in my finger and my thoughts go back to the blade.
Without thinking twice about it, I grab it off of the window sill where I’d placed it after bringing into the shower with me and slice into my left arm before doing the same to my right.
I watch as the blood begins to flow from my arms, mixing with the water as the bottom of the shower before washing down the drain.
Everything around me begins to turn dim, then steadily becoming darker.
My head gets woozy and I loose my footing and I know, somewhere in my mind that I’ve fallen.
I hear banging on the bathroom door and what I think is shouting even I can’t make out what’s being said.
I vaguely hear the sound of the door being busted open and one of my brothers shouting my name as everything turns black as I lose consciousness.
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