Chapter One Hundred
Lincoln
Once she had finally settled, having fallen asleep in my arms, I get to my feet and slowly, quietly make my way over to the bed. Shoving the covers down, I lay her against the mattress, her head resting against the feather-filled pillow.
Pulling my arms out from beneath her body, she stirs, unintelligible words falling from her lips as she rolls to her side, her hand reaching towards the other side of the bed as if she’s seeking me out.Staying deathly still, I wait to see if she’s going to settle back to sleep or wake up. Grasping hold of the pillow lying next to her head, Raleigh pulls it to her chest, wrapping her arms tightly around it and as she buries her face against the silk pillowcase, she murmurs, “I can’t lose you again.”
My heart aches as I stand there, watching the love of my life hurting so much.
It’s fucking killing me.
When there’s no indication that she’s going to wake, I quietly make my way out of the room, silently opening then closing the door behind me.
Making the short walk down to what is supposed to be Jax’s room, I step through the doorway, closing the door shut behind me.
“Hey, man,” I begin, not even really knowing where to start.
“What’s up? Everything okay?” He asks, tossing the shirt that he had been holding down onto the bed.
Shaking my head, I lift my arm and scratch the back of my neck and bluntly reply, “No.”
“No?” he repeats. “What do you mean, ‘No’?”
Sighing, I begin pacing back and forth before I stop in front of him, knowing that I just need to get this out and state, “This isn’t a good idea.” Then, when I see his puzzled expression, I elaborate by saying, “Moving in here, I mean.”
“And why not? Did she say something? Did she say that she didn’t want me here?” Jax asks, becoming defensive immediately, throwing clothes that had been folded against the wall as his hurt turns to anger. His entire demeanor becomes closed off, but I continue, putting Raleigh’s needs ahead of either of our wants.
“Hey,” I snap, trying to gain his attention. When he turns to glare at me, I ask, “Don’t get defensive, okay?” I try to keep my tone calm as I speak, knowing that if I get upset or anything, it will send him spiraling. “She didn’t say that at all, but she did say that she needs help and after talking with her,” I take a moment to gather myself, the feeling of hot tears building behind my eyes as her words play out over and over again inside my head.
Grabbing the box that Jax had been working on, I play it on the floor next to the bed and sit down, then I indicate with my hand that I’d like him to do the same.
Once he’s sitting, I continue, “She’s lost and hurting. She claims that she’s using us for sex in order to forget and to feel.”
“Using us? To forget and to feel?” he scoffs, obviously not believing what I’m saying. Then he growls, “How is that even possible?”
Goddamnit! Placing my hands together, as if in prayer, I bow my head, resting my forehead against my joined index fingers. I hate to betray her trust in me by talking to Jax about the things that she confided in me about, but I don’t know how else to get him to understand.
Please don’t hate me! I silently beg then I begin to try to explain what Raleigh had told me.
“She feels like that bastard took everything from her-her choice, her control, her voice.” Stopping for a moment, I glance at Jax to make sure that he’s still with me and listening. At the nod of his head, I continue, “She thinks that she’s using sex with the both of us to overwrite and forget what he did to her. She says that she feels broken. She kept talking about how she feels dirty.” I spit out, the statement leaving a bad taste in my mouth. “But that she’s been using sex to try to gain back the control that he stole from her.“
“I’m not exactly seeing the problem here?” Jax says, still sounding confused.
“She said that it’s only temporary, she compared it to getting high. She said that once the moment is over, the high is gone, the control that she felt in the moment, gone. Then, she just feels worse than she did before. So, she keeps chasing that feeling of control, of feeling good by having sex with us. But every time after, she becomes even more disgusted with herself. That it’s a never-ending cycle.”
I see the exact moment that clarity hits, understanding finally washing away the anger, doubt and his own hurt and that feeling of being rejected transforms into a different kind of hurt.
Hurt for her.
“Dirty.” I state, the word causing my own anger to rise. “She kept saying that she felt dirty and disgusting.”
‘Fuck!” Jax curses, running his fingers through his hair, just like I do when I’m frustrated, then placing his elbows on his knees, he leans forward, steepling his fingers and resting them against his mouth, thinking.
After a few moments, he turns toward me, determination in his eyes as he states, “We have to help her.”
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