Chapter Ninety-Eight
Raleigh
I watch as the guys move their stuff into the house. Lincoln puts his stuff in my room, while Jackson puts all of his stuff into Ryler’s old room, a couple of doors down the hallway from mine.
As I watch them, this feeling that I’ve been trying to ignore settles over me once more. It’s one that won’t go away but instead, it just keeps nagging at me growing stronger day by day.
I shift uncomfortably on my feet, trying to ignore the sensation that’s grown so strong that an ever-present knot has settled deep in the pit of my stomach.
“Hey,” Lincoln says, sauntering up to me and placing his palm against my cheek as he turns my face up to meet his stare.
His brilliant blue orbs gaze back at me, filled with so much love and happiness, that it causes the feelings of wrongness, selfishness to only intensify.
Unable to hold his gaze, I shift my attention to the room behind him. As I take in the now cluttered space, I begin thinking that we’re probably going to have to move into a bigger room in order to accommodate both of our things.
Unfortunately, the only bigger room in the house is the master bedroom.
My parents’ room, which has remained untouched all of these years.
Lincoln pulls my attention back to him as he gently rubs the edge of his thumb along my cheekbone and asks, “Is everything okay? Is this too much or too soon?” As he asks this, he looks back towards his growing collection of things on my floor and bed and then looks over to where Jackson is hauling another box into his new room.
“You know that it’s okay if it is. We both have a room at Boston and Aspen’s place that we can move our stuff to instead.”
How much this man truly cares and how easily he’s able to read me, it sometimes scares me.
He doesn’t even seem real sometimes.
The burn of impending tears hits the back of my eyes as I take in his words, them hitting me harder than I could of ever imagined.
*I don’t want to lose you*, I think as I continue to avoid meeting his gaze. My chin begins to wobble, and I know that if I don’t get control soon, that it’s all going to be over. So, with a deep breath in and then releasing it slowly as I count to ten, I try to control the emotions that are trying to overwhelm me.
Not wanting to talk in the middle of the hallway, I grasp hold of his hand, pulling him into what is now our room and closing the door behind us.
Lincoln takes the lead, guiding me over to the bed before he sits down and then pulls me into his lap, his arms circling around me, resting against my lower back.
“Talk to me, baby. Tell me what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours.” Lincoln pleads as he raises his hand and brushes some loose hair from my face, his hand settling against my neck below my ear as he waits for me to speak.
“I just…” I start, then with a shake of my head stop speaking. Not even sure of what I’m trying to say.
*How do I put into words what I’m feeling?* I wonder to myself, trying to come up with what to say or where to even begin.
“Is it me? Did I do something wrong or upset you in some way?” He asks a moment later, when I’ve still failed to say anything. His concern instantly makes tears spring to my eyes once more.
“No.” I quickly murmur, choked with emotion, as a single tear slips free and makes its way to my cheek. Then, I quickly try to reassure him by saying, “*You* didn’t do anything.”
“Then Jax? Did he do something to upset or hurt you?” Once more, I shake my head no but still the words won’t come.
“Then what’s wrong, baby?” He asks, sounding so concerned and confused that it causes the feelings inside to begin to turn to hurt.
Using both hands, his fingers glide through my hair as he pushes it back from my face, no longer making it possible for me to hide behind the golden curtain.
Hating seeing how much this is hurting *him*, I finally manage to gasp out three simple words that leave *me* feeling broken and hollow. “I don’t know.”
Lincoln immediately pulls me against his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around me as he holds me, trying to comfort me as he murmurs, “It’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s okay.”
I cry against his shoulder for a few minutes until I’m able to gain control of my emotions once more. When I finally manage to, aside from the occasional sniffle, in a weak and broken voice, I say, “I think…I think that I need help.”
“Oh, baby.” Lincoln nods then sighs.
Placing a gentle kiss against the side of my head, complete and total understanding written on every inch of him, he says, “I’ll help you find someone, I promise.”
I just nod, knowing that if I say anything at all, I’ll completely lose it.
I’m completely lost in my thoughts when Lincoln’s voice startles me, “Do you want to talk about it?” I give him a look like ,*duh, obviously. I just said I need help.* But he quickly adds, “I mean with me. Do you want to talk about it with me?”
“Oh.” I whisper, the single word barely audible to even my own ears.
He doesn’t say anything or press me. Instead, he leaves his offer lingering in the air, letting me decide what it is that I want and need as he continues to smooth his hand up and down my back, gently rocking back and forth as he comforts me.
After several minutes of silence save for my occasional sniffling, I finally break it by saying, “I feel like I don’t deserve you.”
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