A troubled Alpha

Fenrir

Marsai came back.

My anger lost its purpose every night I stayed up drunk to wait for the sound of her door followed by her scent. Tonight was not going to be any different. This horrible period taught me self-evaluation since I was always alone in my thoughts.

Self-evaluation was something I wasn't used to. It felt like self-degrading because proud people like me don't do it very often. I do not have memories of me being like this but it all seems so natural to me. The only memory of myself that I have, I refused to accept that it was me.

I couldn't be that weak werewolf. But then, he seems like me. Maybe I have to find out more.

I was still confused if I really needed to? What if it was true? What if I was really the weak Alpha Heir who his mate left him for Beta and his position was given to his younger brother?

I refused to believe it, so I pushed it to the back of my mind.

Thinking of the people I hurt while I experience that familiar blood rage made me more solemn than I ever was.

When I first met her, I had killed her parents and half of the pack members. Up till today, I still couldn't comprehend how it had happened. It happened and I didn't feel remorse. I never did.

I tried to but I couldn't. It was as if my heart was black and Marsai was the only spark it recognized.

She matters to me a lot and I wanted to change. Be a better person for her. Maybe a better Alpha too.

She was unknowingly teaching me patience and self-assessment as a virtue.

An Island, I once was. Nothing could make me feel remorse for anything I did because I couldn't understand how it happened. I could only feel it happening. The rage, the pain in my bones as I shift, the darkness glowing deep inside me like a terror, encouraging me to continue. To continue letting their blood flow while they cry in fear.

It is frightening when I think about it.

I will try to put an end to all of this Marsai might not be joking about killing herself if I go on a blood rage again

In the past, she would rebel. Say no to my yes, stand up to my sitting order. She was like a stubborn pup. But now, she has graduated into an appealing bitch.

It has been more than a week. I have been angry until I decided to reevaluate myself.

After Elena's divulgence, I was on the verge of going rogue again. The thought of destroying everything that lay in my path till I got to her crossed my mind but I folded my hands tightly till it fades away.

Her distance towards me surprisingly made me feel more disciplined and optimistic than I have ever been.

I have been mad, filled with unearthed anger, knowing she had actually tried to run away. I was about to start viewing everything from a short-sided point of view again till I realized... she was still here.

Yes, she did try to run away.

Elena gave me all the evidence I needed to come to accept it but my angel was still here. I let myself believe that If she truly wanted to run away, she would have gone by now. Now that I didn't control nor police her every move like I did before.

I didn't get less paranoid, just more rational.

Regardless of everything, she came back. Why did she do it? I had no idea. It wasn't up to me to groove over. All that mattered to me was that she came back. I didn't even want to think about what could have happened if she hadn’t.

The guards were barely alive after they faced my wrath, including her best friend. If Marsaid had learned of the damage I could have caused, she would have hated me forever wherever she was.

I would have chased and hunted for her until my last breath with the blood of the last pack member.

I could still remember Elena's revelation, word for word. She went to the Beta house in search of Leah to say goodbye but she didn't find her there.

Had she realized she was in danger already?

Was Leah that important to her?

My paranoia started to cook up questions again. The more I fed into it, the more the venomous rage slipped into my veins. I stood alone in my room watching the peaceful landscape elope in the glory of the bright daylight.

It was naturally a good evening. I didn't feel good though.

Her presence in the room on the same hallway as mine was enough to keep me sane.

Everyday, for more than a week. I would treat myself to the driest wine I could find in the cellar, to dilute the rage growing inside me.

The booze always worked effectively against paranoia. I always try to walk steadily and not stumble into her room when I wasn't supposed to.

Her wild rose scent and ceramic vocals were the best part of my day. At evenings, when she was relieved of her duties and back from wherever Leah and Rudolph usually kidnapped her to, she would take a bath, probably oil up herself and sing.

I felt like it wasn't just me, the whole house listened to her melodic chords everytime she maneuvered it effortlessly. She was truly an angel gracing the land of supernaturals and monsters…monsters like me.

I tried to cook breakfast and supper for her the last few days but she always ignored them. When the news reached me, I ordered for it to be thrown out, shunning my shambled heart.

I kept organs for senses out, but she still hadn’t arrived yet. My mind was tortured with different possibilities as to what could delay this night. She was later than usual.


Did someone try to hurt her?

No. It couldn't be. She is relatively strong. She was an Alpha's daughter and shouldn't be weak, right?

I shook my head. It wouldn't matter. I would always be there to protect her.

Feeling slightly troubled, I took another gulp of wine. It burned the path down my throat, making me sigh with contentment.

My eyelids were getting heavier with the lights I left on. They were to keep me conscious but even that couldn't stop the alcohol from shutting down my system.

I listened and heard a faint click, the sound of the door closing, not far from me. I sighed in relief. She finally came back.

Another day to look forward to and dread again, hoping I won't face the same fate I have fronted for more than a week.

Returning to my bed, I didn't try to take off the outfit I had on for the whole day. I was already too weary for that. For now, I was just elated that she arrived safely. It will be a long day tomorrow with the flooded sites to deal with. I needed to rest early.

I hope tomorrow will be better..