Book 2 Chapter 8

Yalda awoke slowly, almost reluctantly, she had to pull herself from the restful sleep she'd managed to get. The room was bathed in the soft late afternoon light, the clock on the bedside table read 4:30 P.M. She had slept for nearly five hours.

Her body felt heavy but rested. The dull ache of anxiety that usually clenched her stomach had eased a bit, even the persistent dull headache was gone. She lay still for a moment as she recalled what had happened earlier, how ioannis had missed her, how he'd held her when she began falling asleep. 

For some reason, it unsettled her. It stirred guilt in her chest and it made her less inclined towards wanting to lie here and keep remembering.

She pushed back the linen duvet and sat up, drawing in a long, shuddering breath. She climbed out of bed and moved to the walk in closet to get dressed, the ivory silk blouse and tailored trousers she’d worn earlier were discarded on the floor beside the bed and they made her cheeks burn.

She got dressed quickly in shorts and a long-sleeved top before heading to the bathroom to wash her face. She didn't let her gaze linger on the mirror as she tended to her business quickly and headed out.

There was no sign of ioannis and Loki downstairs, they were probably out walking or something. A part of her was disappointed but the other reminded her that she had no right to want Ioannis's company, not after she'd left him before, not when she missed Alexander so much.

She moved toward the kitchen on smelling the aroma of roasted garlic, oregano, and chilly. She hadn't seen Alina since she got here, she'd missed her but she wasn't even sure if she could face her. Nonetheless, she proceeded to the kitchen. She stopped in the archway on sighting her.

She was standing at the granite island chopping vegetables methodically.

Alina looked up on hearing footsteps, and her sharp gaze softened instantly. She dropped the knife onto the board and moved quickly, crossing the kitchen floor to hug Yalda tightly.

"Yalda, my dear," she murmured, wrapping her in a warm but fierce hug. It was almost like the hug of a mother, and Yalda clung to it, she had only just realized how badly she needed it.

"Alina," she croaked quietly. "It's so good to see you."

Alina released her slightly only to hold her at arm's length, she scanned her face with unsparing clarity. "You look like a shadow, dear. But you are here now. And that is what matters."

Yalda's heart clenched. She was very aware that she looked like a shadow of herself, but she wanted to tell Alina she'd been very happy for just a short period of time, she'd been happy and vibrant, and she would have been glad to see her like that, but she couldn't even bring her to speak.

Alina led her gently to a stool by the island.

"Ioannis told me everything," Alina said, her voice dropping to a low, comforting tone. "About your marriage, your husband, may he rest in peace, about… the little one." 

She reached out and placed a warm, sturdy hand on Yalda's. "You carry too much sadness, my girl. Too much grief for a good thing."

Yalda felt the sting behind her eyes. She forced a smile though she was trying so hard not to breakdown and cry in front of her.

"I missed you, Yalda. We all did," Alina continued, busying herself at the stove. "But never mind that. You need strength. I have prepared something perfect. My mother’s recipe. It is light, easy on the stomach, and rich with nutrients. Something to soothe the nausea."

Yalda dragged in a shuddering breath, forcing the tears back as Alina slid a bowl across the counter.

"It's avgolemono; lemon-ingused chicken and rice soup. You'll like it." Alina told her.

She appreciated the effort, but her appetite was still down the drain.

"I've been unable to eat properly." She told her quietly.

"I know dear, Ioannis said so. But I assure you, you'll be able to eat this. I've been pregnant too, you know. It works magic." Alina replied, she offered her an encouraging smile. "You must eat all of it."

Yalda picked up the spoon, nodding her thanks. She scooped up a bit and shoved it into her mouth, she'd intended to force it down her throat quickly so she would taste it, but to her surprise it actually tasted really good, it soothed the nausea almost immediately and encouraged her to have some more.

Alina smiled and walked away, giving her some privacy.

She reached for her phone, which she’d left on the counter. She tapped on it and found an unread message from Ioannis, timestamped two hours earlier.

Ioannis: 'I stepped out to get some air. i hope you slept well, Alina will prepare something nice for you. Don't move until you're done with the bowl. I will be back soon.'

She typed in a quick reply: 'Okay'

She began to eat with more determination, slowly at first, then with increasing enjoyment. The soup settled in her stomach in a way no pill could. She focused entirely on the texture of the rice and the taste of the broth, the blend was delicious.

Yalda was nearly finished when a sound from the main hall announced Ioannis's return. She heard Loki barking before the sound grew distant as he ran off. Ioannis walked into the kitchen, wearing the same tailored trousers from earlier, but having replaced his wrinkled shirt with a fresh, dark polo. His presence filed the space immediately and Yalda's heart began pounding heavily for some reason.

He saw the empty bowl and smiled, a flash of genuine relief that softened his face. 

"Hey"

He kissed Alina quickly on the cheek, murmuring a word of thanks in Greek before walking up to Yalda, he leaned down, and kissed her, a brief press of lips against hers that was both possessive and tender. He smelled faintly of the sea and expensive cologne.

He settled beside her as Alina walked away to the other side of the kitchen where she couldn't hear what was being said.

"I had to get out," he said, his eyes holding hers, not breaking contact for a second. "I was severely turned on and painfully hard."

Yalda froze, the last spoonful of lemon soup was halfway to her mouth. The sheer bluntness of his admission was staggering. She felt a furious blush creep up her neck and flood her cheeks, she almost shook her head at the fact thay she was blushing so stupidly like a teen.

But the guilt hit her instantly, wiping away the transient peace the soup had brought. She placed the spoon back in the bowl, avoiding his gaze. She didn't know how to deal with this anymore, she didn't know how to deal with the guilt and everything else. Yes, she'd had sex with him countless times, but that was before she married Alexander. 

It'd only been three months since her husband passed and she was here letting another man touch her, and she was ashamed that it was the only thing that made her feel better.

On noticing the conflicted look in her eyes, Ioannis's smile faded.

"What are you thinking?" He asked her.

She shook her head.

"I... I don't know what to say," she said, her voice barely audible.

"Don't say anything about it then," he said simply. "Tell me how you are. How are you feeling? How do you feel about everything that happened?"

After the psychological cleansing earlier, Yalda found she couldn't lie.

"I feel rested. Truly rested," she admitted. "But... I feel guilty, expectedly." 

She met his gaze tiredly. 

"I feel guilty for enjoying it. For finding peace in it. I feel like I betrayed Alexander, and I feel ashamed that the only thing that could stop the grief was… that." She said quietly. "And I feel like I'm using you."

It ached her to say.

Ioannis nodded slowly, he took her hand and placed a lingering kiss on the back of it.

"Your loyalty to Alexander is one of the most beautiful and honorable things about you, Yalda. Do you understand that?"

He squeezed her hands gently. "I know that what happened earlier was a somewhat desperate moment. It was an emergency, a way to pull you back from the edge. It was necessary, but it doesn't erase your grief, and it doesn't diminish your feelings for him. It only means you chose to live. And I am eternally grateful that you chose to let me be the one to hold you through it."

Yalda blinked rapidly to hold back her tears to no avail. 

"Don't let the guilt consume the choice you made," he said, his eyes burning into hers. "You are allowed to feel both."

She blinked once more and the tears went streaking down her face.

"There's no betrayal, you've always been true to him in everything you did. You're just finding a way of pulling yourself together. You need to be fine to have his baby, and that way, he'll truly be with you forever."

She knew what he was saying was right, and maybe a very large part of her was inclined to working with that, but it was take some time to fully convince her. Nonetheless, she nodded.

"I won't touch you again if you don't want me to." He concluded.

But she shook her head quickly, perhaps too quickly, she couldn't help it.

"Don't get me wrong." She said.

"I'm not. I get you well enough, and I understand that this is hard for you." He replied.

She blinked and another stream of tears went down her cheek, but she met his gaze squarely.

"Don't leave me to myself, Ioannis. You know I'll self-destruct if you do." She said quietly.

He squeezed her hand reassuringly once more.

"Alright Yalda." He said. And his tone was promising