EIGHTY-ONE
Of course, Yalda hadn’t fallen asleep on returning to bed, she had simply lay snuggled against Alexander’s chest while he tried to get some sleep. Strangely enough, this was the first time she had done this, and this was the first time she was noticing that he didn’t sleep well at all; his breath kept faltering and his eyelids kept twitching till his eyes fluttered open drowsily, he’d stay awake for some minutes before going back to sleep only to repeat the same cycle.
Her heart ached for him, it ached to the point that tears stung the back of her eyes painfully. Knowing there was nothing she could do to help him, she snuggled against him even more and held onto to him tightly. She wasn’t sure for how long they stayed that way; she wasn’t sure when he woke up, she only realized he was awake when he spoke.
“Keep holding me like this and you might just fix me.” He said, his voice was rather clear; nothing like that of someone who had just woken up. She concluded that he must have been awake for a while now.
“You seemed…cold.” She lied. She had to come up with something.
He merely hummed a response.
“Are you alright?” She asked him, her voice was quiet.
“I am.” He replied immediately. “Are you?”
If only he knew that she had been awake all along, that she had watched him struggle. She nodded though she was anything but alright.
“I am.” She replied.
She felt his hand rub her back before his fingers combed through her hair gently, soothingly.
“Did you sleep well?” She asked knowing all too well that he hadn’t, and also knowing too well that he’d say he had.
“I didn’t.” He replied to her surprise. “I was a bit….cold.”
So, they were calling it that now?
“I noticed.” She replied quietly.
A moment of silence stretched between them before he suddenly flipped her over so she lay on her back while he hovered over her. She stared up at him wide-eyed as she tried to make sense of what had just happened.
“What are….” She stuttered quietly.
“You notice everything except the fact that I’m not good for you.” He told her, his tone was mild but his words weighed heavily on her chest, it weighed so heavily that she found it hard to breathe.
“I should take a shower.” He said.
He released her before backing away and climbing off the bed, and it was as though he hadn’t been there at all. She lay there staring up at the ceiling as she tried to control what she was feeling; her chest felt so heavy, her heart felt just the same, and her body felt completely weakened. This relationship, whatever it was, it was surely going to be the death of her.
She let her eyes flutter close as a shuddering breath left her.
……
The garden was indeed beautiful; it had flowers, berries, and a lot of trees which made it look dark and enchanting. It was peaceful, calming, it should have been soothing, but Yalda found herself unable to snap out of her wretched mood. She was beginning to worry about Alexander too much, she was beginning to worry about his health and sanity.
“Maybe coming here wasn’t the best idea.” She heard him say.
The entire walk to the garden had been quiet. Yes, they had walked hand in hand, and the silence hadn’t been intense or awkward, but the entirety of the outing just wasn’t interesting.
“Why not?” She asked him.
“I thought it was obvious? You’re bored.” He replied.
She shook her head. She wasn’t bored, far from that, she was worried about him. And perhaps she’d be more comfortable if he was getting the help he needed instead of trying to ignore his trauma and pretend everything was fine.
“I’m not.” She replied. “I like it here.”
She let her gaze travel around till it settled on a tree which had the letters ‘AM’ messily carved on the trunk. Her brow arched curiously and she began making her way to the tree.
“What’s that?” She asked him knowing he’d be right behind her.
Of course, she guessed it was his initials, she just wanted to know the story behind it.
“My initials.” He replied. They had gotten to the tree now. “My mom and I had been out on a walk and I told her I liked this particular tree. She told me I could have it so I carved my out my initials.”
The thing with him was that everything around him had a story, a story which always drew her in.
“That’s….lovely.” She replied.
He merely nodded before gesturing at another tree.
“That one’s hers.” He told her.
Her gaze flickered to the tree and it had the letters ‘L&G’ carved on it. A faint smile curved her lips.
“Lana and Gabriel?” she asked quietly.
“Yeah.” He replied.
She looked up at him and to her surprise, she found him staring at the tree blankly, emotionlessly. Perhaps she had expected him to be staring at it fondly, after all, his mother had carved those letters there.
“You have a lot of memories here.” She said quietly as her gaze returned to the tree. She didn’t know what else to say.
Blowing out a breath, he shrugged.
“There’s a fountain just down there.” He told her. “A visit to the garden won’t be complete without plucking some berries and eating them at the fountain.”
Well, that sounded interesting. She followed his lead, and they went from picking a handful of berries to heading to the fountain which was structured regally like a throne, she was awed by it, completely blown away by how out of this world it looked.
“It’s beautiful.” She breathed.
“It quite is.” He agreed. “I tried to sit on the throne once. It didn’t end so well but it was worth the try.”
A faint smile curved her lips as she tried to visualize a really young Alexander trying to climb the fountain, she shook her head at the thought.
“I’d like to sit on it.” She told him.
He chuckled, and the sound surprisingly wasn’t humorless.
“I’m sure you do.” He replied.
“Can I try?” She asked him. She suddenly didn’t mind getting wet.
“As much as I’d like to see you try, I don’t want you getting hurt.” He told her. “It’s risky, so no.”
She merely rolled her eyes.
“What now?” She asked him.
“Now, we wash our berries and eat them.” He replied simply.
It was her turn to chuckle.
“You’ve done this so many times, haven’t you?” She asked him.
He nodded immediately.
“I have.” He confirmed. “It has become a ritual.”
“Yeah, it feels like one.” She said while chuckling still.
Saying nothing more, they held their berries underneath the pouring water and rinsed them. It was probably nothing, but something about the whole thing felt intimate, it had Yalda’s heart bloating. And if she could read his mind, she would have found out that he was thinking the exact same thing.
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