Book 2 Chapter 38
Of course, Ioannis had agreed to stay with Mariah for the night. He'd told Yalda he was worried she'd have another breakdown and try to hurt herself. He'd assured her that he'd come back once Mariah was asleep.
Yalda had wanted to ask him to stay with her instead but she'd been unable to, instead, she'd nodded and pulled the covers over herself, she'd turned away from him pretending to be asleep.
He came in around three in the morning, Yalda had been lying awake, staring at the ceiling with her blanket clutched under her chin, she'd been unable to sleep all though. How could she possibly sleep when her body was tense with thoughts she wished she could silence?
When the door opened softly, her breath caught, and she closed her eyes quickly, pretending to sleep once again. She didn't even know why she was pretending, but she just couldn't help it. Perhaps she didn't want to talk to him just yet, perhaps she was angry at him for choosing to stay with Mariah.
The mattress dipped lightly as Ioannis sat, just for a moment, and his hand brushed her hair back like he usually did before bed, she felt his fingers tremble like he was holding back. That alone tore something inside her.
Then he stood, exhaled softly, and left again, back to Mariah. Yalda felt her heart clench so tightly she had to clamp her palm over her mouth to stop herself from making a sound as she began crying quietly.
He'd returned briefly only to check on her and head back? He hadn't even kissed her like he usually did. He'd simply brushed her hair back and left? She couldn't believe it.
Yalda’s eyes stayed open long after he closed the door and she knew it was highly unlikely that she'd get any decent sleep tonight, not when her heart was aching so much.
The night stretched on, and Yalda lay still but her mind refused to quiet. She counted the hours, the seconds, the heavy beats of her own pulse.
Her thoughts were literally spiralling, they were merciless and unforgiving. There were a lot of 'what ifs' going on in her mind and she couldn't silence them.
What if Ioannis realized he still had feelings for Mariah?
What if holding her like that; bloody, terrified, and broken, pulled something in him that had never fully died?
What if Mariah wanted him back?
Yalda squeezed her eyes shut, trying to chase away the scenario forming in her mind. She couldn't help but picture Mariah kissing him, Mariah begging him, Mariah pulling him back into something familiar, something they once shared.
What if he didn’t push her away? Or worse, what if he didn’t want to?
Her stomach twisted painfully. She turned onto her side, pressing her knees to her chest, trying to ease the ache. She was losing her mind right now and right here, she was hurting herself with her own thoughts.
She imagined walking into Mariah’s room and seeing them tangled in sheets, and even though she knew Ioannis had never given her a reason to doubt him, even though she knew Mariah was unstable and probably incapable of seduction right now… she couldn't help the thought.
Her mind didn’t listen to logic, not when fear was beginning to take over.
She thought about New York, about the penthouse. About the monotonous routine she used to have, about the life she walked away from. Maybe she'd have to go back eventually.
She had nothing there, no family, no true sense of belonging… but she’d figure something out. People rebuilt their lives from less. It wouldn’t be easy, but this; living in the same house as Mariah, watching Ioannis’s attention pulled elsewhere, drowning in insecurity, it would destroy her if she stayed.
She imagined packing her bags, starting all over again. Maybe Ioannis would understand, maybe he would be relieved.
Her chest tightened so sharply she pressed her palm over her heart, trying to soothe the sting. She knew Ioannis loved her, she knew he wanted her here, she knew it was her mind messing with her, but she couldn't help it, she could stop her thoughts from spiralling even more.
Eventually, her exhaustion forced her eyes to close, though she wasn’t sure she ever truly fell asleep, perhaps she just blacked out.
When she woke, the sun was already bright through the curtains. She'd overslept, the exhaustion had gotten the better of her, and of course, the other side of the bed was empty. Ioannis hadn't returned, it was cold and untouched.
She sat up slowly, her throat ached as if she’d been crying in her sleep. Loki lifted his head from the foot of the bed and trotted to her, nuzzling her side. She stroked his soft fur, grateful for the warmth of something that didn’t make her feel second place.
She truly was grateful for Loki's presence in her life, she was grateful for knowing he would always be hers, she was grateful for the certainty.
She got out of bed, made her way to the bathroom and freshened up. She felt quite faint and though she had no appetite, she knew she needed to eat. She headed out and walked down the hallway, and that’s when she heard it.
Soft voices from Mariah's room. Her breath stilled was she got closer so she could clearly hear what was being said.
Ioannis’s voice was low and comforting, as always.
“Easy… breathe. I’m right here.” he was saying to Mariah.
Mariah’s reply was soft, frail. “I just… I woke up scared. I didn’t know where I was.”
“You’re safe,” Ioannis murmured. “I promise.”
A small sound escaped her, something caught between a son and a sigh.
"Something keeps compelling me to just lose it and end everything." She whispered.
"Don't listen to it, Mariah." Ioannis replied immediately. "You have people who love you, people that care about you and want you to be alright."
Mariah nodded, grateful for the kind words. She was about to respond when Yalda decided she couldn't take anymore, she knocked lightly.
Quiet shuffling followed before Ioannis's voice responded "Come in."
She opened the door slowly and stepped in. Ioannis looked up first.
He wasn’t touching Mariah, but he was close, too close. He was seated beside her on the bed, his hair was slightly messy and his eyes looked tired, like he hadn't slept at all. His hand was resting near her knee and it made Yalda's throat tighten.
Mariah’s eyes were glassy when she saw Yalda enter. She seemed almost uncomfortable.
“Oh…” she whispered, staring at Yalda as if she’d walked into someplace she didn’t belong.
Yalda kept her posture gentle. “Good morning. I came to see if you were feeling better today.”
Ioannis straightened, but he didn’t move away from Mariah just yet. “Gold morning, Yalda." He replied. "Did you sleep well?"
Yalda murmured a response, one which told him she didn't particularly want to talk to him.
"She woke up disoriented. I was helping her calm down.” he added, probably trying to explain why he was still here.
Yalda nodded. “Of course. I understand.”
Yalda took a step forward, not even intending to actually go to Mariah, she just felt it was a bit awkward standing by the door, but before she finished taking the step, Mariah jerked back dramatically, her shoulders pressing into the headboard like Yalda was a demon sent from he to harm her.
Ioannis and Yalda stiffened immediately.
Ioannis's hand shot out protectively to shield Mariah from what Yalda didn't understand.
“Mariah?” he asked quickly. “What’s wrong? What happened?”
Mariah stared at Yalda with trembling lips, fingers clutching the sheets.
“I… I’m sorry…” she whispered, sounding frightened. “You startled me.”
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