32: You’re not a monster.
**Bane pov**
After the tense and awkward meeting with Zion, Aife and I returned to the tent assigned to us, mainly because I didn’t feel like I had the right to stay around for longer than necessary. That and the fact that Kala still clearly hated my presence.
I couldn’t blame her - the monster inside me had hurt her mate so many times already. First, he imprisoned him while Zion still was in the pack territory, and now this whole venom ordeal. If I stood in her place and someone hurt Aife the way I had hurt Zion, I’d kill them, not just glare and snarl. She had the right to be angry.
On top of that, I also fully understood her need to have privacy. Kala nearly lost Zion for good and now, she needed to stay around him at all costs. My presence didn’t help at all, it only reminded her of every crime I had committed.
One day, I would repay them both for every awful thing I had done under the control of that monster, but first, I needed to get rid of the fucker. Now, more than ever, I really needed it.
First, to prove to my best friend that I was still there, the same man I had been, the same friend who wished him only the best. But also, most importantly, I needed to get rid of the monster to keep the woman I loved safe and ensure our child would grow up with both parents by his side.
Once we entered the tent, Aife still clutching my claw like she never wanted to let go, I instantly sat down, unwilling to move for an inch. It wasn’t just that I was tired, which I truly was, but at this point, as determined as I was to break the cycle and finally get somewhere, my mind was too stuck.
Aife, as always the one who had the ability to read me without asking questions, just smiled and sat down across from me, offering me a smile that spoke more than a million words ever could.
I wondered if the Goddess knew what she was doing when she paired us.. I wondered if she knew how much I loved this woman - with my heart, soul, body and mind, with my entire being and probably so much more too.
I couldn’t look away from her, noticing the way she tried to appear patient and hopeful, while in the meantime, I could feel her worry and fear in the air around us.
Her presence alone was an anchor that held me back from taking the leap and losing myself to the darkness completely. I needed that anchor, needed her more than I ever needed anyone, and yet, I was terrified of her presence as much as I craved it.
At the end of the day, the monster was still there, inside myself and rooted deep into my mind, for now quiet, but I knew what he was doing in the moments of pure silence - watching, listening and waiting for the right moment to strike as soon as I would let my guard down.
Every time I had tried to push against him, he fought back with twice as much strength and determination of what I’ve given that bastard. He kept pulling me into his twisted beliefs of existence like he owned every fiber of my being - not only my sanity, but also my right to my own body and actions.
There was that time when I thought that maybe if he was so adamant to prove he was the rightful owner of my body and fate, then maybe he was right. That thought sent me into a downward spiral of suffering and endless questions, but eventually, I came back to my senses. Thank fuck.
Shaking my head free of the thoughts, I glanced up and met Aife’s eyes. “I think I want to try,” I whispered, my voice barely audible, cracking with fear and worry that never left me these days. “But only if you’re okay with it. You have to give me the green light and promise me you’ll still be here if it gets too much. Love, I need you to pull me out if I can’t do it myself.”
Aife nodded once and flashed me a barely there smile that I knew all too well. She was worried, scared even, and I couldn’t blame her because damn it, I was too.
“I’m okay with it, Bane,” she muttered and brought one of her hands to my face, cupping the cheek of the beast that somehow felt like she was still cupping my face, not his. “I trust you, okay? I know you would never-”
“Never what?” I cut her off, unwilling to hear the words I knew were meant to soothe me, yet they were fucking lies. My chest heaved as I tried to pull myself together and make the next words sound clearer than ever. “I’ve never been a good man, Aife. Never. And you, of all people, damn well know it. What we started, when we started, it was the most fucked up way possible to start anything. If I could, I would turn back time just to treat you how I should have from the very beginning.”
Aife froze, her eyes widened and filled with unshed tears as she leaned closer and whispered, “Bane.”
“I never thought the Goddess would bless me with a mate,” I kept talking before she could say something that would make me break down and cry like a baby. I needed to get this off my chest more than I needed my next breath. “But now, I’m a man who knows that he has the greatest gift a man can have. It’s you, my love, you are my gift. You and the baby. And for once, I need to man the fuck up and protect you from myself. It’s not only the monster who is my issue, it’s the past that keeps haunting my bloodline and wants to hurt everything I love if I don’t learn how to control it or manage to break the curse. I need you to know that I’m willing to do anything if it means I keep you and our baby safe.”
Aife’s hand moved from my cheek to my jaw, holding it gently and turning my face so I was forced to meet her gaze. “You’re not a monster, Bane. You’re scared, yes, so I am, but I trust you. I trust that together, we can find a way to break the curse. We’ll figure it out, okay?”
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