36: Don’t look away.
*QUICK heads-up: If you’re wondering why there are multiple chapters from one character POV, it’s because I had to split chapters so the platform doesn’t do it. For some chapters, unfortunately it’s impossible since the chapters go just 100-200 words over the capped word count, but cutting them off and leaving details out is downright stupid. I’m trying to stretch the chapters to make them into two and still keep all the needed details, along working my darn best to ensure the chapters are enjoyable.. I hope. Anyway, enjoy reading x*
**Aife pov**
I stayed close to Bane, watching every flicker of movement, every twitch of muscle as he willed the monster and the beast to stay under the surface. His body trembled from the sheer effort of holding himself together.
I held my breath, but refused to let him face it alone, I just couldn’t allow him to struggle on his own.
“You’re doing so well,” I whispered, keeping my voice low but packed with reassurance. I wanted to reach out and hold his hand, but I held back, knowing he was fighting his demons and he’d grab my hand if it was necessary. “Look at you. I know it hurts, I know it’s hard, but you’re still fighting.”
He glanced at me, one dark eye meeting mine, and I saw everything there: fear, anger, shame, desperation.
I swallowed a lump in my throat and forced my lips into a small, encouraging smile. “Bane, I see every single thing you’re doing to keep him at bay. Don’t ever forget that I see it, and I love you even more for it.”
His hands pulled into tight fists at his sides. “Aife, I-”
“You don’t have to say anything,” I interrupted, shaking my head. “You’re proving it without words.”
He closed his eyes and I heard him take a trembling breath. And again, I had to keep my hands to myself, no matter how much I wanted to reach out, grab his face and make him look at me.
Instead of doing that, I placed my hands in my lap and spoke again. “You’re strong, Bane, stronger than you give yourself credit for. I don’t care how many times that monster tries to pull you under, I see you fighting it, and that’s all that matters to me.”
He let out a shaky laugh that sounded broken in all the worst ways. “I feel like I’m barely keeping my own skin together,” he admitted.
“And that’s okay, you’re allowed to feel it and be scared. But that fear doesn’t define you, not when you’re willing to fight the monster inside you for me and our baby.”
Bane finally opened his eyes, his gaze softened as it met mine, and I could see a spark of relief appear for a second before he spoke again. “I don’t know if I can do this.”
His voice was weak, laced with fear and pain, but deep down, I knew those weren’t the things he wanted to focus on. This experience wasn’t hard for me alone, or even Zion and Kala, or the entire pack that had to be losing their minds, waiting for their Alpha’s return.
In my opinion, as self-centered as it could have sounded, the hardest struggles were dropped on Bane’s shoulders. He wasn’t only the one person who was plagued by sins that weren’t committed by him, but also, in truth, he was the only one who had to actively fight something within him.
And sadly, I did understand that this something, the entity we all called the monster, was stronger than anyone could imagine. So far, I gathered that the beast seemed to be on our side, more or less, but the monster was a completely different scenario.
Truth be told, I didn’t dare to say it out loud, but I had a feeling that the monster didn’t just want everyone around Bane dead and gone, he wanted Bane to suffer and eventually give up so he could be laid into an early grave. And that, yeah, I couldn’t let that happen.
No matter what, this man was my mate, my greatest gift from the Goddess and while I feared whatever resided inside him, I knew that I wouldn’t give up until he was healed and we could finally see our happily ever after, just as the Goddess most likely intended.
“You can,” I insisted and leaned closer, careful not to touch him. “You’re already doing it. Every moment that you choose to stay in control and push him back, you’re winning. You’re stronger than he is and I will be here every step of the way, holding you when it gets hard, keeping my hands away while you’re being strong and brave. I’m not leaving your side, I promise.”
Bane nodded and I couldn’t help but smile as I watched the tension finally leaving his shoulders.
“Do you remember the first time I touched you?” I asked quietly, not expecting him to answer since some of the memories we shared were too painful to recall sometimes.
To my surprise, Bane hummed softly and glanced at me again, his eyes crinkling in the corners like he had remembered something almost sacred.
“Back then, I was so scared,” I admitted, doing my best to keep my voice calm and gentle while I still struggled with keeping my hands away from him. “I didn’t know if I could trust you after how our story began. I was so messed up and broken, but I didn’t lose my fighting spirit. At least I think I didn’t, our beginning feels like a distant past these days. But, if there’s something I know it’s that we both were way over our heads, a little scared, if not terrified. And now, look at us how we are - you’re still fighting and I trust you with my life.”
He swallowed and looked away, whispering, “I can’t look at you when you bring up the past. I am so ashamed, so fucking sorry for the man I used to be. I can’t sit here, enjoy your support and love while I’m fighting the very thing that drew me to hurt you and not feel fucking ashamed of the past.”
“Don’t look away, Bane, look at me. We’re here, alive and as well as we can be in this situation. Past doesn’t matter now, present and future do, which is what you’re fighting for. No matter how many times he tries to claw back, we’re in this together.”
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