Chapter 144
Julian
Cassies sobs had ceased by the time I closed the door of her little home. In a way that was scarier than anything else. I could handle angry Cassie and crying Cassie but this broken silent Cassie? Nope. I didn’t know what to do.
Except run her a hot bath. That I could do. She was covered in a dead-
I shook the thought away. I wouldn’t think of them. I would place their deaths in my bank of grieve later. Cassie needed me to be strong.
My people needed me to be strong. But my people would have to wait until Cassie was fine.
“Julian.” She whimpered. “I feel like I’m falling.”
I tightened my grip on her. “If you fall I will catch you Cassie.” I walked towards the bathroom. Never breaking stride or loosening my grip on her. “I won’t let you down ever again.”
She didn’t answer me but she did rest her cheek against my shoulder. Sitting her down on the closed toilet I expected her to cry out and grab at me but she remained as still as a statue. There was nothing on her face. No emotion, not even sadness. She was just empty.
Quickly I filled the tub.
“Let’s get you out of these clothes Cassie.” As gently as I could I pulled her to her feet. She just stood there as I stripped her off. Not even when she was completely naked did she move.
She was gone. She lived and breathed but the last few months had finally caught up with her. Something inside of her had broken with the deaths of that mother and child.
It had broken something in me as well. I just couldn’t show it.
“Tell me if the water is too hot or too cold.” Picking her up, I placed her in the water. She didn’t give any indication of anything.
She was just… there.
“Cassie sweetheart.” Kneeling down on the tile I pulled her face towards me. Cupping her cheeks. “I know you feel like your broken now. But our children are alive. They have a chance. I know you hate me.”
She blinked once. The only sign that she was even hearing anything I said.
“You can hate me. I can take it. But I’ll take your hate over their deaths. Hate me, scream at me. Beat on me if you need to but don’t check out.” I rubbed my fingers over her face. For months and months I had been without her. Knowing she was mine and carrying my babies and not being able to be with her and then later when we had been separated again. I would take her hate as long as I could see her everyday and make sure she was ok.
I just needed her to come back to herself.
“Cassie?” I tried again and this time there was nothing.
She moved away from me. Bringing her knees up to her chin and wrapping her arms around them. She looked no where but straight ahead.
I sighed. I had lost her. I could feel the bond weakening. Like a great chasm had opened up between us.
“Take whatever time you need Cassie, clean yourself and call me if you need me.” I stood with a groan. I didn’t want to leave but it was clear that she didn’t want me anywhere near her. She blamed for everything that had happened and it was my fault. If she hadn’t been my mate, If we hadn’t of been forced to marry with no idea of who we were to each other then her life would have been so different.
Maybe the kindest thing to do would be to reject her like she had demanded. Maybe when this was all over I should set her free. Loving me had caused her nothing but grief.
“Don’t leave me.”
I froze in the doorway and turned to her in shock. “Cassie?”
“Please.” She hadn’t moved. She wasn’t even looking at me but she was begging me to stay.
“I’m falling and drowning. And I can’t breathe Julian.” Her voice was wretched. “I can’t fucking breathe.”
I was back at her side in an instant. Reaching for her. Smoothing my hands over her face and shoulders. “I’m right here Cassie. I’m not leaving.”
If I had my way I would never leave her again.
“I just can’t seem to stop falling. I know I should be used to death but-“
“Then hold on to me, Cassie. Hold on to me for as hard as you can and don’t let go.”
“I don’t know how. I don’t know how to keep on going. I’m meant to be strong. I’m a doctor. My mind is-“
“Precious. You are precious.” Standing up I began to strip off my clothes. Leaving them in a messy pile on the floor I slipped into the hot water behind her. Pulling her back down against my chest.
“If you don’t know how to hold on then let me hold you.” I said against her hair. “Let me look after you.”
“That could have been me.”
I didn’t need to ask who she meant. There had been so many things that could have gone wrong with her birth and the weeks after. A dozen or more ways I could have lost her or the boys.
“It wasn’t. It wasn’t you Cassie. Their deaths are unbelievably sad but it’s not your fault.”
“Why did I deserve-“ She made a choking sound in the back of her throat.
Cassie was feeling guilty. Not just with the deaths today but all of them. Everyone had sacrificed so much for us and it was catching up with her.
“I’ve got you Cassie.” Wrapping her up in my arms I fell silent. I couldn’t answer any of her questions. There was nothing I could say that would take away the sadness and guilt she was feeling. All I could do was hold her.
Minutes ticked by and the water around us grew cold and she still didn’t move.
“Julian.” She said at last.
“Yes my love.”
Cassies sigh was loud. “Can we talk? Really talk?”
“Yes.” I nodded into her shoulder. “I think it’s about time we did actually.”
So that’s what we did. For the first time since we had married, we talked. We talked until the water went icy and then we talked wrapped in blankets on the sofa. Our arms around each other.
And it was good.
Because now there were no secrets between us.
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