Chapter 349: Sashenka
One thing about not being alone anymore, it convinced me I needed to do something about Sashenka. After a brief discussion with Sassafras, it was apparent I wouldn't get anywhere if I didn't know why she hated me in the first place.
"Grow a spine," he said with his personal brand of subtlety. "If you want to know something, ask already."
Okay then. The moment the door creaked open, Sashenka's nervous face peeking through, I was ready for her.
"We need to talk." She flinched at my words, but entered, head down, book bag falling to the floor at her feet with a thud as she pushed the door shut behind her.
"I know," she whispered. "I'm sorry."
"For not liking me?" I shrugged, going for couldn't-care-less casual. "Whatever. But won't room with you if you can't even be civil."
Sashenka's eyes flew wide and she opened her mouth to speak, a few consonants stuttering out, but I cut her off.
"I have no idea what I did to piss you off," I said, "and frankly, at this point, I don't really care. I thought we were kind of friends, but if Tallah or my mother pushed you into something you really didn't want to do, I understand." I rolled my eyes and sighed. "Believe me, I understand. Welcome to my life."
Sashenka just stood there, trembling, tears standing in her eyes. It took a great deal of effort not to walk up to her and shake her out of whatever kept her frozen.
I think you've underestimated your effect on her. Sassy's mental voice had a softness to it I rarely heard. I don't think it's that she doesn't like you, Syd.
I shoved his thoughts aside and went on. "If you want a new roommate, fine. I've already talked to Mom about it. She wants me to give it one more try, but it's pretty obvious where this is going. So I'll tell her in the morning. Unless you want me out tonight." It pissed me off, the thought I'd be the one to leave. But I'd take it. At least I could go stay with Charlotte for one night. Or, heaven forbid, my mother.
Instead of answering, Sashenka threw herself on her bed and burst into sobs.
What?
All my anger melted away, taken over by confusion and a little guilt. "What did I say?"
Sashenka was sobbing so hard while she tried to talk I couldn't understand her words. Probably wouldn't have been able to even if her face wasn't shoved into her pillow, she was so hysterical. Sassafras hopped down and padded his way to her, leaping up with a soft grunt to purr in her ear. Sashenka finally rolled over and hugged him while he cleaned her wet cheeks with his tongue. Part of me felt a jab of jealousy. He was my cat, damn it. The rest of me was just glad my friend was able to calm the girl down before she imploded.
"I'm s-s-sorry," she stuttered around choking gasps of air. "I'm trying so hard, Tallah said this was really important and I really do like you, I've liked you since we met and Tallah does too, but she said I had to try hard to make you like me and I r-r-ruined it all." Her final word trailed off into a wail of despair, the l's lingering long after she pressed her face into Sassy's fur and wept.
Oh boy. So I'd mistaken dislike and avoidance for... well. I perched on the edge of her bed and rubbed her back, feeling like a horrible person for judging her the way I had. "I'm the one who's sorry," I said. "I thought you hated me."
Sashenka shook her head violently. "Ever since you shared your magic with me," she sniffled, "I've wanted to be your friend."
I'd slipped up, the day Mom's trial started, shared magic with her when I was only supposed to with her leader sister, Tallah. "I felt the same way," I said. "I was hoping we could be friends. I've never really had a witch friend before." Pathetic.
Sashenka sat up, Sassy in her lap, his steady purr an undercurrent to our talk. I knew his purr had calming properties, but now I understood how devious he could be. A thread of demon magic ran through it, cooling her down, helping her focus even as she was compelled to stroke his fur over and over.
Tricky little furball. How often had he used that sneaky skill on me and I'd never known?
One amber eye winked at me.
"I just wanted everything to be perfect," Sashenka said, oblivious to what my cat was doing to her. "But every time I tried to talk to you, I froze up." She shook her head, refusing to look at me, black hair falling over her dark cheek. "I'm such an idiot."
"No," I said. "You're not. I am. I should have known they put pressure on you."
She finally glanced up, a little smile on her face. "The pressure is all mine," she said. "I've always tried too hard. Comes from being second sister in a leading family. Or so Tallah tells me."
Huh. I immediately thought of Meira. Did my little sister feel the same way? Did she try too hard to fit in because she knew she'd never lead her own coven?
"You're just so powerful," Sashenka let out in a huff of breath. "Everyone is afraid of you, of what you've done, what you can do. And your family." Her deep brown eyes locked on mine, full of so much open honesty I knew I was finally seeing the real Sashenka. "I just didn't want to mess up. I know you can't have many friends, being who you are. I've watched you all day, in class. How they treat you." She hiccupped softly. "I wanted to reach out, but you looked so strong, like you didn't need anyone..."
Yeah, way to be all brave and stuff, Syd.
I felt laughter rising inside me and couldn't stop it. "You have no idea."
Sashenka wiped her nose on the sleeve of her shirt, forehead pinched in concern. "What do you mean?"
I could have backed off, just said screw it. The poor girl had been through enough already, hadn't she? She didn't need me to unload all of my crap on her.
Yes, Sassafras sent, tail flicking. She does.
Okies. For the next hour I let her have it, every single fear, worry, judgment, resentment, anger, you name it, she heard it, from my frustration with Quaid and Liam to the disgusting smarminess of the Dumont brothers to the creepy Darin and his stupid Star Club.
I might have been worried at first this would be too much for Sashenka, but the longer I went on, the more she nodded and murmured her sympathy and relaxed until I understood Sass was right. This was exactly what she needed.
To see you're human, he sent. Or, mostly.
Smart ass cat.
After I was done, we sat there in quiet for a bit while Sashenka reached out and took my hand, squeezing it gently. "I had no idea it was so hard for you."
I laughed then, feeling lighter and actually a little ashamed of myself, the way I'd been acting and thinking. "We all have our crap," I said. "Right?"
She flushed, dark skin rosy. "Yes," she said. Sighed. "I could just strangle Tallah sometimes."
We laughed together. This was more like it. Sashenka's smile stayed in place, a real smile, nothing fake about it, as she let go of my hand.
"A few of us are going out later," she said. "If you'd like to come?"
I hesitated immediately. I didn't want to ruin things for her and her friends. She might be understanding, but if what she said was true, would I make the others uncomfortable? The idea anyone was afraid of me almost made me giggle.
You won't know if you don't try. Sassafras leaped down from Sashenka's lap and waddled his fat cat body over to my bed where he hopped up and curled into a fluffy ball on my pillow.
I took the hint.
***
