Chapter 796: Payten's Confession
I was already turning and moving back inside by the time Mom began her little speech to wrap up the trial. I had no desire to listen, moving on from it though Celeste's foul stench remained on me. A quick push of magic cleared my nose, clothes and hair of the stink, even as I strode with ever-increasing speed toward the back of the now-emptying chamber and the hall beyond.
A startled Enforcer was the lucky recipient of the bag of marshmallows, slapped against his chest on the way by.
I seemed to have lost my appetite.
Was so focused on my final target I almost ran right into Payten when she dodged out of the shadows of an archway and stepped in front of me.
My first instinct was to hit her so hard with magic they wouldn't find her body.
Ever.
Second instinct was to flatten her into a Paytensquish and smear her all over the floor with my shoes.
Yum.
Third impulse won, partially because I was a sucker for a sobbing girl, Enforcer or not.
Hated enemy or not.
She radiated grief, hands clutching in front of her chest, eyes red and swollen. Had she been crying since I saw her in the tower at stronghold? Wow, she had some serious faucet issues. Should go get a drink of water or something before she dried up and blew away.
But she had something else in mind.
"Coven Leader." She hiccupped softly, impressive chest heaving under her robe as her golden hair fell forward over her wet cheeks. "I know you hate me and I'm the last person you want to see right now. But please, may I speak to you?"
Sigh. My son was waiting for me.
This had better be good and not a lot of gushing over Quaid.
"Two minutes," I growled, joining her under the shadowed arch.
She wiped at her tears with her sleeve, gulping air in an attempt to get herself under control.
I crossed my arms over my chest. "Clock's ticking," I said.
Payten nodded abruptly. Drew one more breath. "I've ruined everything with him."
This was about Quaid.
Whatever.
But before I could leave, she rushed on. "I owe you a huge apology," she said.
Okay. I was listening.
"I lied to you," she whispered. Caught her breath. Spoke up. "I lied to you."
"About?" A terrible and aching sadness broke over me as I suddenly had a bad feeling about what she was going to say. That I'd believed a jealous and needy girl over the one person who understood my heart better than anyone else.
"Quaid," she wailed.
Damn it.
"I wanted him so much." She sniffled into the cuff of her sleeve. "When I met him at camp that first summer, I loved him at first sight." She coughed a soft laugh. "I was willing to do anything to have him. But then he told me about you." Payten's face crumpled into more grief. "And the way he talked about you..."
My chest felt so tight I didn't think I could breathe. Tears wanted to come. For a lost chance at something I knew now was long gone.
"I seduced him." Her head bobbed, chin on her chest. "One night. Got him drunk, slept with him." She sobbed once, shook her head so hard her hair whipped around her. "It wasn't his fault and he was so upset. Didn't blame me. Blamed himself."
Of course he did.
Oh, Quaid. How long had I misjudged him?
"When we got to Harvard," Payten said, "and I saw you for the first time, I was so jealous." Of me? "You were as beautiful as he said you were and I was all clumsy and pathetic." Wow. Um. Wow. Talk about role reversal. "I didn't know what to do. I knew I was going to lose him to you and I just..." She stilled at last, met my eyes, hers full of misery. "I was at a party. Was drinking a lot. Met this girl who seemed sympathetic."
Gut punch.
No. It couldn't be.
"I told her everything." Payten's face paled, nose and the rims of her eyes bright pink in contrast. "She was so beautiful and kind. Told me if I wanted him, if he was worth it, I should do everything to keep him."
"Ameline," I said, voice detached, emotionless even as my heart screamed her name one last time in hate and grief.
Payten began sobbing all over again. "I didn't know it was her," she said, "I swear it, until she was captured and taken to the stronghold. It was only then I understood. But it was too late, I was in so deep and I loved him."
I reached inside Payten's mind, felt her lack of resistance, her openness. And the final trace of Ameline's control on her magic. On her very soul.
"She thralled you." I felt suddenly dull and hollow even as memory surfaced.
"I've taken him from you, too," Ameline whispered in my memory. Her last black gift.
Payten gasped, hands over her lips. "She did?" Horror crossed her features. "I have to... Leader Tremere will have to be told."
I nodded, now impatient. "So it was all lies." All of it. The show she put on, rubbing up against him when I could see, the kissing, Quaid's anger.
Not aimed at me.
Aimed at Payten.
And his insistence they weren't together-
Because they weren't.
"He would have left the Enforcers long ago," she whispered, "that first summer, would have gone back to you, if I hadn't worked so hard to convince him to stay." She flushed suddenly. "Very hard."
She was asking for me to punch her in the face.
Just. Asking. For. It.
"I've wanted to hate you," she said, more tears flowing. "But I can't. You're so amazing and beautiful and powerful. But you act so casual about it, so confident." Payten snuffled. "The only hate I feel is for myself. Because I wish I was more like you."
Didn't make up for it even a little. But saved her an uppercut.
"Get your ass to Pender," I snarled, detachment gone as my whole body crawled with the need to pace, to scream and throw things, to wail myself my sorrow.
Payten bobbed her head. "Yes, Coven Leader," she said. Turned to go. Looked back. "I know you'll never forgive me," she said. "And neither will he. But from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry."
I refused to acknowledge her apology. But I had one question for her.
"Why bother?" For the torment? Just to torture me? "Why tell me this now, when it's too late?"
Payten choked. "When I felt her die, her control leave me..." She shivered. "I guess I finally knew just what I'd become. And that I couldn't live with myself anymore."
I watched her face fall, her body turn away as she slunk down the hall in search of her leader.
Wanted to go after her and pound her a good one anyway.
Didn't. Because the one person I really wanted to punish was already dead.
Ameline had her wish. I was alone. Quaid was an Enforcer. Too late, chance lost.
But the one thing she failed to remember in her need to curse my heart was I happened to be surrounded by love.
And I would never, ever be alone.
I'd blamed Quaid for so much. Told myself he was the jerktard, the one who was at fault in everything. Chose his family over me, to be an Enforcer over us. And yet, I hadn't trusted him really, had I? Not once. The fear remained no matter how he tried to convince me otherwise. Sure, he made bad choices. But so did I. And not believing him over some random girl with big boobs and determination to ruin us was the least of my sins.
I wondered, standing there in the quiet hall, how different things would have been if I'd just trusted Quaid.
My alter egos hugged me, demon still grumbling torture possibilities for Payten as I sighed deeply, shook off my sadness and moved down the hall. Toward the door where my heart waited for his mother to come get him.
Quaid might be lost to me. But Gabriel? He Ameline could never take away from me. Not ever again.
Two giant Enforcers bowed to me before releasing the magic seal around the entry to the antechamber as I approached, not missing a beat allowing me to pass.
Mom wasn't screwing around when it came to Gabriel's protection. The whole room hummed with magic, the long walls lined with dark-robed figures. They all snapped to attention as I entered, Charlotte and Demetrius turning from a head-down conversation they'd been having, Galleytrot lifting his big noggin from the floor beside Quaid.
Who sat on a stool in the middle of the room with giggling Gabriel in his arms.
The sob built in my chest, begged for release as Quaid looked up, chocolate eyes full of wonder and laughter as they met mine. Gabriel reached out and grasped Quaid's face, turning him back toward my son's smile.
He then leaned forward and kissed Quaid on the corner of his mouth.
"Love you," he said.
Choke.
Quaid stared at the boy as I rushed forward and held out my arms. Gabriel frowned up at me, wriggling when I scooped him free of the Enforcer's embrace.
Yes. Exactly.
Quaid the Enforcer.
End of story.
"Thank you for watching him." The words came out in a rush as Quaid stood, the scent of him washing over me, the touch of his magic almost pushing me over the edge. I had to look down, couldn't meet his eyes.
Not now.
Not knowing what I did. That I could have had him, that we could have-
"Syd." Quaid touched my arm, same supportive feeling to his magic almost undoing my resolve. "Are you all right?"
I couldn't answer him. Not when grief held my tongue, sealed my throat. Maybe if we'd been alone in this moment, I could have collapsed into his arms, told him about Payten, begged him to try to find a way to make us work.
But we were surrounded and my damned pride wouldn't let me break over this last hurt left behind by Ameline.
I was already turning when Gabriel burst into tears. Reached over my shoulder at Quaid.
"Daddy!" Gabriel's voice quavered. "Home, Daddy."
I froze, did sob this time. And fled.
Tore the veil and ran for home. Stepped out while Ahbi's power flared with concern, bounced Gabriel as he continued to cry.
Cried myself in the dark kitchen.
Kissed my son's cheek and shushed him even as I pulled myself under control.
"Sweets," I said through my tears, "Quaid isn't your Daddy."
Gabriel locked eyes with me, shock on his face. "Cian said."
Cian what?
"No, Gabriel," I said. "Cian was wrong." Why would Liam's Sidhe soul tell my son Quaid was his father?
Made no sense.
My son's face paled to white as he absorbed what I said.
Before he burst into tears and bawled like I'd never heard him.
It was hours before he fell asleep, still softly whining as I sat, drained and broken at last, in the chair beside his crib. Sassafras perched in my lap, sadly purring and supporting me as I told him the story.
"With Liam gone," Sass said, "Gabriel must feel the continuing connection between you and Quaid. Though the Cian comment is most puzzling."
Unless, in the pure kindness of his heart, the part of Liam that remained wanted our son to have a father.
Misplaced choice, unfortunately. And really terrible timing. Quaid had already chosen to be an Enforcer.
Damn the stupid magical tie between Quaid and I. I had to break it. I just couldn't bear it anymore.
Lifted my demon cat to my chest and sobbed into his soft fur.
***
