Chapter 774: Endless Grief
They pulled me back at last, finally jerking me from the black to face it. To face my loss, a loss so deep it smothered the sadness I felt for Liam. Devoured any caring for my own personal safety. Destroyed any hope I had to ever, ever be happy again.
Never again.
My son was dead.
Crib death, Lula called it. Which only rarely happened to witch babies, for obvious reasons. Because their mothers took care of them, didn't they? Used power to protect them, guard over them, keep them breathing and alive and beautiful.
What the hell kind of mother was I?
Trill lay down next to me, resting her head on my pillow, hand under her cheek on my shoulder. "Please don't run again," she whispered. "I almost didn't find you this time."
I wished she hadn't. Stared at the canopy above me and willed myself to die.
Just die already.
A giant face appeared at the foot of my bed, topping broad shoulders, scaled skin, diamond eyes. Max. My hate raged.
"You brought me back." Spit flew from my lips. "You made me."
Another reason to despise him.
But he remained. Sat ponderously in a chair. Watching me.
So he thought he was going to keep me here, did he?
I turned my head away from Trill, away from Max. Stared at the curtained window. Fine, whatever. I was too tired to fight, for now. But they couldn't watch me forever. And then I'd go. I'd run to the veil. And I'd find a way to hide where no one would find me.
Maybe Center? I could go to Iepa, appeal to her. Surely she could erase my memories and I could live there, with her and the maji. Blissfully ignorant of the life I once lived, the people I loved.
Of my dead son and my dead husband.
Quite the track record you have going there, Syd.
And then I couldn't breathe, choked on my grief, so powerful it sat in the middle of my chest and whispered horrible truths. That Gabriel was dead because of me. If I'd only let Sassafras and Galleytrot come to Harvard, they would have been with him. Watched over him where I failed. Kept him safe, alive.
My fault.
No Ameline to blame this time, no Max or Iepa or Light Fate. No Liander Belaisle to point the finger toward. No evil coming for me, my family.
Not this time.
My. Fault.
My egos coiled inside me, keeping themselves apart, unable to offer each other comfort. To offer me any. That was okay. I didn't want it. Didn't deserve it. I let my son die.
I let my son die.
I let my son-
Why was I here again?
How much could I be asked to bear, how many hurts, heartbreaks, losses, endless pits of agony could I be expected to tolerate? And there was no hope for me, was there, not at all. I had FOREVER to suffer.
Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe I needed to spend forever remembering I'd failed, I'd lost the one person who needed me to protect him the most. My own son.
Liam would have hated me for this.
I hated myself.
I stayed, despite my need to go, the desire to run cycling over and over, each time easing just a little more until the numb found me and hung out, not needing the dark to sustain it.
I'd fought it off once before, wouldn't let it take me. When Liam died.
Not this time.
This time, the numb was an old friend, more welcome than the seemingly endless parade of faces and powers coming to my bedside. Who tried to talk to me. The cool, white power of the vampires. Sunny's tears did nothing to break through. Uncle Frank's either.
What did they know of grief? How dare they think they deserved tears? I lost my son.
I killed him.
They earned their tears of grief more than I had.
The sympathy of the string of visitors burned like a fire that wouldn't go out, beating me with whips of flame. Hurt more than anything, their sadness for me. Their attempts to try to cajole me into eating, conversing, being present.
They could keep me alive, but they could not make me live.
They came, in pairs, in groups, in singles. Charlotte. Meira and Mom. Dad, weeping openly. Femke Svensson, her fair skin blotchy, blonde hair shining like an angel's. Even Eva Southway. Sebastian whispered in my ear. Sassafras with his calming purr.
Gram.
And always, watching me from his chair, as though he would never leave.
Max.
Quaid wasn't welcome. I wished he'd stayed away. But he tried, sat next to me, took my hand. And the touch of his skin, the warmth of him, the surge of magic between us pierced my empty.
He shouldn't have done that.
I let him go, fought to retrieve my place of nothing after he was gone, to sink back into the numb.
Found anger in its place. Fury. Hate. And the burning fire.
Trill slipped into my room. Met my eyes.
And I embraced the rage, gathered it to me like a weapon.
Threw it in her face.
"This is your fault," I screamed. "Why didn't you just let me die?"
Trill ran from me, weeping.
Let her.
I was done.
More than done. Alone at last, they'd left me finally. Only Max watched as I fell out of bed, legs weak, body shaking from hunger and thirst and overwhelming fury. A robe lay on the end of the bed. I jerked it on, felt him rise, come to hover over me.
Didn't touch me. Speak. Nothing.
Good.
The veil opened, Ahbi there, reaching for me. I jerked the tear closed.
No. I couldn't go that route. How could I? She'd tell.
There was another way. Escape into a black so deep I knew I'd never get out. But I wasn't interested in escaping, not anymore. Just this room. This building. The constant pressure of the magic around me.
Air.
Outside.
And then, I would decide. What next.
A black circle opened before me as I called on my sorcery, the petals blossoming wide. I drew on the supporting magic of my family, my friends. Screw them. They were so worried about me, they could feed my need. I touched on Mom's fear, Lula's attempt to grapple with me.
But Max held them back.
Nodded. Pointed to the gap.
And together, the drach, who I'd thought my friend once, and I walked into it.
I didn't make it far. Gasped for oxygen as the portal opened again, my desperate need to escape it more powerful than my grief. Horrible, terrible the place of total nothingness. I'd thought I was in empty, but I had no idea.
Was reminded just how bleak and soul-sucking empty really was.
A building I recognized, a bench beside it. I sank into the seat, the Memorial Chapel behind me, Harvard Yard dark but for a few lights lining the trees in the center. This place had so many memories. Of Alison attacking me, trying to steal the vampire essence. Crossing with Gram into the stronghold through a secret path right here, in this spot. My life, spinning out from those memories as my egos continued to hide.
To grieve and blame.
To hate.
I reached for Iepa. No answer.
Freaking typical.
Max stood off to the left, watching me with his damned diamond eyes.
"What?" I snarled the word, flung it in a dagger of spite.
He didn't reply. Just nodded to me.
Only then did I feel I wasn't alone.
Turned my head.
And met Alison's blue eyes.
***
