Chapter 376: Hollow Victories
I took the day off classes, spending it in my room, Charlotte in hers after I begged for some time alone. She seemed to understand and was less protective of me, I suppose because I'd faced down Ameline and won.
Mostly.
Why did it feel like a hollow victory? Maybe because Ameline was still out there. But, worse than that, my whole life was a mess again. Alison was gone, turned into who knew what, now with the taste for blood driving her. And Quaid... an Enforcer. He'd chosen. I'd driven him away from me and he'd chosen to leave instead of fighting for us.
Typical.
I felt him on the other side of the door and almost didn't answer when he knocked, but knew I had to face him sometime. His deep brown eyes, so full of understanding and concern, almost did me in when I jerked the door open and caught his gaze.
"Syd." He lowered his hand from his attempt to knock. "I wanted to check on you. Make sure you were okay."
Contrite, wasn't he? Guess the whole looking for trouble thing had finally sunk in. And yet I couldn't bring myself to be angry with him, not anymore. I just felt tired all of a sudden, like I'd done everything I could even though I guessed I always knew it would never be enough.
I would never be enough.
"I should have been there for you." He didn't even ask to come inside. Told me volumes. "Not just about us, about love, about... when we..." Coward. Couldn't even talk about the night we spent together. "And not just about the attack last night. I'm never there for you." He sighed, broad shoulders sinking. "It seems like I'm always running, always hiding. Syd, I love you so much." I believed him, as much as I believed the but I knew was coming. "It's always been about disaster between us. Surviving it. Or making our own."
I nodded, leaning against the door jam. "I know, Quaid."
"I didn't want to believe you, the day you told me about Rupe and Simon." He shrugged a little. "I'd spent the whole summer finally being normal, you know? Being one of the group. For the first time ever. And when you brought up the possibility of trouble, I just couldn't go there."
Fair enough.
"Syd," he drew a breath, "I've made my choice."
"I know." I let the door swing against my foot, looking down at it, feeling the tap-tap-tap of the wood against my bare toes, focusing on that so I could say the next words I spoke without my voice shaking. "You chose the Enforcers."
"How did you...? Miriam." He let out a gust of air, hands jammed deep into his pockets.
"Yeah." I straightened.
"I just need to live for a while," he said. "No ties, no strings. No fate or destiny or geas from dead parents. No need for revenge, looking over my shoulder, second guessing what I'm doing because I'm dating a coven leader."
That zinged inside me. "So that's it."
He frowned, stiffening. "What's it?"
"The coven leader thing." It was so clear to me now, his fear, his distance. "It's too much for you."
Quaid didn't protest, didn't argue. "I just want my own life," he said. "I don't think it's too much to ask."
"Nope," I said, pushing back, ready to slam the door. "It's not. Have a nice one."
I felt him walk away from the other side of the still-vibrating door as I pressed my forehead to it, both palms flat against the wood as I waited for him to leave the building.
I couldn't stay in my room any longer. The air stifled me, made it hard to breathe. Likely the pressure in my chest came from another source, but I wasn't willing to consider it. I just needed to go outside in the sunlight and not think.
Charlotte followed me, but I ignored her, especially when she gave me lots of room and the privacy I desperately wanted. I found a bench, the same one I'd collapsed on before beside the lovely little chapel, and sank to its surface, hugging myself tight and holding back the tears I knew would come if I let them.
It was over then. Between Quaid and I. He was going to be an Enforcer and I... a coven leader. And never the two shall meet. All the expectations I had, all the plans I'd made for us vanished in a puff of smoke. A half-laugh, half-sob choked me as I thought back to the first time I'd seen him, standing on my front step, so delicious-until I found out I was supposed to marry him.
It was like we'd been doomed from the start.
How could someone I loved so much-who I knew, I knew loved me too, just as much-walk away from what we had? And yet, I'd let him, hadn't I? I didn't exactly fight for us.
I gave him everything and he chose another life. And that was just the way things were.
The tears spilled, though I fought them as hard as I could. Blinded by them, I covered my face in my hands, swearing to myself this would be the last time I would cry over Quaid.
The very last.
And when strong arms encircled me, green Sidhe magic and the mixed scent of earth and fabric softener filled me, I clung to the one person who loved me unconditionally and wished things could be different.
Maybe I could learn to love Liam.
Maybe. But not yet. Not today. Today, I would cry and ache and let my heartbreak over Quaid out of me.
There was always tomorrow.
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