51: Beside me
**Lucien**
The more I came to know Tristan, the more I grew to care for her. She was more than anything I could have expected and today, she’d proven to me, once again, that she could actually feel something. I was truly in pain, more pain than I’d been in a while and then she touched me and although the pain was still there, it was suddenly bearable. And so, when she offered for us to start refurbishing the house again, I’ll admit that I was very reluctant. This house was mine and Jasmine’s for so long that every memory of her still haunted me. But that look in Tristan’s eyes, it was just so hard to miss. Empathy. Hidden beneath those cold green eyes was a look of pure empathy. She just wanted to make me feel better, and I suppose that she wasn’t wrong. I wanted to erase the memories of Jasmine in this house. But more importantly, I wanted to erase the old me. And so, I agreed with her. She and I would begin fixing up the place which, now as I thought about it, could possibly be the best decision for the both of us. I wanted to get to know her more. I wanted to see that part of her that cared so deeply about me when I was in pain. I wanted to see more of her empathy. And then, rather selfishly, I wanted, more than anything to see her in love with me. But there was a voice nagging me at the back of my head. Every single time the amazing and freeing idea of falling madly in love with Tristan appeared in my mind… so did Jasmine. I still couldn’t let go of her. She *still* haunted me. But it was getting better, and I was getting better. With Tristan still beside me, there was hope. There was hope that one day when the thought of falling in love with Tristan appeared, Jasmine would not be there. It would only be Tristan.
“So, when do we begin?” she asked rather curiously. She was eager!
I sighed and tilted my head as I thought for a moment. Fixing this place up was going to take quite a bit of time, time which I knew she did not have during the week.
“How about this weekend? We can spend the day here and start cleaning the place up. Maybe we can go to the store during the week to start buying things like new lightbulbs-“
“-and curtains!”
I chuckled and nodded. “Yes, and curtains.”
Our conversation dissolved into momentary silence, before I suddenly uttered out, “Would you like to see the rest of the house?”
I had no idea why I’d suggested it. It was nauseating just stepping into this room, and yet there was a part of me that wanted to show her more. Maybe it was so I could see more of her reactions to my pain. What a sadistic man I’d become.
“Yes… if you’re okay with it.”
Again, I was caught off-guard by her consideration. But it only made me want to let her see more of me.
“I will be okay with it… as long as you’re right next to me, holding my hand.”
Her hands moved from behind my neck to my hand. They were warm and soft and surprisingly, they made me feel safe and reassured.
We climbed up the stairs at the end of the corridor and made our way to our first destination- Jasmine’s room. It was the only room I hadn’t trashed. Tristan was silent as she inspected the room and nothing but the sound of her shoes clicking against the wooden floor could be heard. There were still a few pictures decorating the purple walls, one of which Tristan took down and held in her hands for a while.
“Can I keep this?” She asked. I realised that it was a solo photograph of her sister sitting under one of the trees of the local park. I nodded, having no more use for it myself. The more I stood in this room, the more I wanted to tear it down. I wanted these walls to be rid of her photographs. I wanted to remove this paint that had her memories etched into it.
“You can take as many of them as you’d like.” I said after a moment of conflicted silence.
Tristan reached for another photograph and then gazed at it, lost in her own world. Judging by the hidden fondness in her eyes, I could tell that she and Jasmine had been close when they were younger. And as I thought of the both of them, I remembered Jasmine’s earlier wish.
“Hey… we should see your sister soon.” I said casually.
Tristan glanced up at me, startled for a moment before recovering. “Okay. I have been wanting to see her anyway I just…”
She wandered off and I could tell that behind those green eyes she was hiding something. I wanted to pry, and I was just about to when she cut me off.
“How did she find her way to you anyway? How did she escape the fire?”
And just like that, the sense of uneasiness began to flood through me. Tristan didn’t know about the truth of her parents’ death. I’d been so worried about her hating me for hurting her sister that I’d forgotten about what my father had done, and that she might hate me for that too. But secrets, I knew, could never stay hidden forever. She’d eventually find out someday, and so I chose that someday to be today. I wanted her to hear it from me.
“Tristan, there’s something I need to tell you.” Slowly I began to near her. She watched me curiously and then asked what it was I wanted to tell her. I motioned for her to sit and once she’d taken a sit on the edge of the bed, I let out a long, nervous sigh. This was going to be difficult.
“My father killed your parents.”
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