62: Shrapnel

**Tristan**

The thing about emotional decisions was once the emotion had run out and left the mind, uncertainty crept in. Unfortunately for me, the emotion had taken much longer to run out of my system than it should have. It wasn’t until Lucien sat chained and unconscious in the underground dungeon area hidden well at the edge of my father’s pack grounds that I had finally come to terms with what I had actually done. And by then, it was far too late to take back any of it… and Goddess knew I wanted more than anything to take back my decision the moment I made it through the pack gates.

“I’m very proud of you soldier! Lucien could prove to be very useful when it comes to information on more intimate details regarding Damon Michaels and his pack grounds. Stay here and once he awakens; I’ll have one of the pack members question him.” Said my father. He hadn’t said anything about my disappearance from the moment I got here. Instead, he pretended as though nothing had changed between the both of us. But everything had changed, and those changes lurked subtly, radiating from the way we held our eyes and the awkwardness in the air between us. And as he turned around and left, I could tell by the way he slumped his shoulders and sighed that he was bothered by all of this. But little did I know that most of his uneasiness wasn’t because of me, but because of the man he now had chained up here in his dungeon.

I sat down next to the prison-like cell that Lucien was lying unconscious in and let out a tired sigh before running my fingers through my hair. I was now emotionally sober enough to realise how exhausted I was, both emotionally and physically, and so I slumped myself against the steel bars and closed my eyes as I tried to block out everything my mind had begun to conjure up- what I was going to tell Lucien once he awoke; what Ambrose was going to do to him once he got the information he needed. And then I had begun to wonder whether or not I should have gotten the both of us out of here. At least then I’d have been able to have the opportunity to keep everyone safe, including Damon. But the more these thoughts bombarded my brain, the more fogged up and achy it felt and my attempts at blocking everything out became futile. Once upon a time I could have made a decision like this without feeling anything at all- no regret, no sadness, no guilt. But things were different now, and I was different now and my feelings were different now.

Eventually, after a long and tiring battle with my raging thoughts, I fell into a deep, dreamless sleep. I could argue that it was possibly the best sleep I had ever gotten in my life, but unfortunately my sleep was rudely awoken by the sound of voices speaking rather harshly behind me. When I opened my eyes, I was disturbed and enraged to find one of the pack members in Lucien’s cell, questioning him \[CM1\] rudely.

“I’m not going to ask again, what are Damon Michaels’ physical weaknesses?” The man questioning him was Maurice, one of the delta rogues that my father liked having around him because of his general submissive and obedient attitude.

“And I’ll say it again. Fuck off!” As soon as this left Lucien’s lips, Maurice’s fist made contact with Lucien’s face and he fell to the floor, laughing hysterically as blood oozed from his parted lips. That was all it took for me to intervene. I emerged from the dark shadows of the dungeon, stepping into the light of Lucien’s cell, livid at the sight of Lucien bleeding, and then grabbed Maurice harshly by the collar.

“Enough Maurice.” I said venomously. Immediately when Lucien heard my voice, he gazed up at me and his laughing stopped completely. Instead, he looked utterly lost and confused out of his mind. The look caught me off-guard and so I let go of him as guilt and shame consumed me. He stumbled a little before steadying himself and then saying softly, “Yes, Beta Tristan.”

“Beta Tristan?” Lucien asked. I knelt down towards him and began undoing his chains. I hardly thought Lucien would be thinking of escaping now, not when I had to explain this can of worms I’d opened up. I winced at the stinging sensation that was left behind on my hands from the Wolfsbane coating on his chains. Once Lucien was free from his restraints he crept up to the wall and leaned against it as he eyed me expectantly.

“Beta Tristan?” Lucien asked as he pushed himself off of the floor and got onto his knees. He winced when he did and then scratched at his chained wrists. They were coated in wolfsbane so that he couldn’t break out of his chains. However, they also irritated wolf skin which explained his scratching. With this in mind, I knelt down towards him and began undoing his chains, not even caring whether or not he’d try to escape- Goddess knew I would follow right behind and get myself away from this hell I’d created for myself.

Once Lucien was free from his restraints he crept up to the wall and leaned against it as he eyed me expectantly. I sighed and sat opposite him before commanding Maurice to leave.

“But-”

“I’m not going to ask twice Maurice. You’re lucky I haven’t tried to kill you yet after striking my mate the way you did earlier. You can tell my father that I’ll be doing the questioning.”

Maurice nodded, bowed and then left promptly.

“It’s cute that you got mad at that guy for hurting me, but again, *Beta?*” He asked as he placed his thumb and index finger around his wrist and twisted his fingers around his skin a few times.

My eyes absently traced his movements as my mind came up with all sorts of different ways to start up my explanation. I had done so much wrong with one dumb decision that I now needed to do something right. I couldn’t hold back the truth anymore, and I hated that lost and confused look on his face.

“My real name, after being adopted by my adoptive father, became Tristan Michaels, not Tristan Creed.”

“M-Michaels… so which Michaels adopted you?”

I hesitated a moment before saying, “One of your father’s brothers.”

Lucien rolled his eyes and sighed before saying, “Why am I not surprised. A fucking uncle of mine. This family is insane. But that doesn’t explain why that guy called you Beta just now… nor does it explain why I was being so brutally interrogated about my brother or what I’m doing here in this dark room which you clearly have imprisoned me in. Come on Tristan, we had a small argument. It doesn’t really warrant you needing to lock me up in a cage.” 

“I unchained you! You’re not imprisoned. And I was just getting to the whole “Beta” thing before you interrupted me. My adoptive father is the Alpha of the rogue pack that’s been attacking everyone. I am his Beta.”

Lucien and I stayed silent for a moment before saying, “What else?”

At this moment I stayed silent and hesitated. So, Lucien repeated his question.

“What else is there that I don’t know about? You’re clearly hiding more from me Tristan. I previously asked why I was being questioned about my brother and why I’m here, so what’s your answer.” He then moved towards me, leaned in unexpectedly and I held my breath as he gently tucked a stand of my hair behind my ear.

But despite my racing heart and blushing cheeks, I became scared. It was the most scared I’d ever been in my life and strangely, my hands began to shake, and my skin broke out into a cold sweat. Nervous- that was what I felt as I processed the weight of his question and the impact it would have on the both of us once I answered him.

“Come on Tristan… you and I both know that this-” he gestured to the rest of the cell, “- means that you’ve crossed a line that you can’t come back from…”

He was right. I had crossed a line and now I had no choice but to answer him, and although I was terrified of admitting my mistakes, I was more afraid of what he was going to think of me. Would he be disappointed? Would he hate me as much as I now hated myself?

It took some time for me to push these fears aside, and once I did, I took in a deep breath before I began explaining everything to him. I began with his uncle wanting to destroy his brother for revenge, my desire to become Alpha and my subsequent involvement in his uncle’s revenge plan, and then finally exposed my mission to seduce him.

“Wait… you were supposed to seduce me?” Lucien laughed. I was surprised by his reaction, but at the same time, I felt a little insulted.

“Hey! Stop laughing, I’m serious!” I yelled before laughing along with him. Eventually, our laughter died down and we both fell silent.

“But seriously… you were going to destroy my brother?” Lucien asked.

I sighed before nodding as the feeling of uncertainty crept up on me. “I was… a-am… I… I don’t know.”

“You don’t sound too sure of yourself.”

“My father gave me a choice a while back. He tried to hide it by making it seem as though it was a choice between him and my sister, but he can’t really lay a hand on her.”

“What was the real choice then?” Lucien asked staring at me through his intense golden eyes.

“It was between him and… you. At first, I chose you but after yesterday, I changed my decision.”

Lucien raised his brows in astonishment before scratching at the back of his neck. “Can’t say I blame you…”

But that was what had begun to bother me. After everything I had said, Lucien didn’t react in the way I thought he would have, and by that, I meant that he didn’t act the way that I had during our argument yesterday. He was calm and even tried to crack a joke here and there and I couldn’t find any logical explanation for his reaction.

“Why are you so okay with this?” I asked.

Lucien shrugged. “I’ve been here before, remember? It wouldn’t be right if I judged you for doing the same thing I tried to do… but I do want to give you some advice, from one person on ‘Team Villain’ to another. It’s not worth it. Your position as Alpha and everything else that my uncle has promised you is nothing compared to losing your family, your *real* family, because that’s what will happen if you don’t make a different choice. Jasmine is in love with my brother, madly so. And what about her baby? Do you want Jasmine to raise a child all alone, and do you want her child to grow up without a father all because of you? Tristan, you know what it’s like to grow up without parents, are you sure you want to do something similar to your sister’s child? I could care less about what happens to me, but my brother is a good person, Tristan. He deserves to live a happy, full life, and he deserves to be there for his child, because all he’s ever wanted in his life is to be a good dad. You can’t take away the happiness that your sister and my brother have achieved, not after they worked so hard for it. It will leave you empty… and hateful and alone and you don’t deserve that either. I don’t blame you for what you’ve become, growing up you didn’t know any different, but you do now. You’ve felt what it’s like to have people love you, to have a family who cares for you and cherishes you. Are you willing to give all of that up now because of your anger with me and some dumb, useless Alpha title?”

I knew the answer to his question the moment he asked it. He was right, the person I used to be was so hollow, self-centred, stupid and heartless. But the person I was now knew better. I wasn’t hollow anymore, I cared about others, I was still stupid- otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten us into this mess in the first place- but I had a heart. So, the answer was no, I was not willing to give up my family and the people I loved because of how angry I was at Lucien’s indecisiveness. I was not going to risk their safety all because I couldn’t get *my* way. And as I thought about everything I would have lost had Lucien not convinced me otherwise, and how selfish, reckless and downright despicable I had been for ever bringing us to this point, I began to feel something rather strange. It was a wetness against my cheek. But it didn’t stop there. It was followed by a short gasp and then, all of a sudden, tears rushed down my face and wails left my mouth as I began to sob. It was the kind of sobbing that had me suffocating and gasping for air, the type that made it hard to see, hard to feel, hard to hear. My regret, sadness and guilt poured from my eyes, tugged at my chest, choked at my throat and shook at my fingers. But I couldn’t revel in astonishment at my newfound ability to cry. How could I when it was all overshadowed by guilt and remorse and drowned out by a question which echoed around in my mind:

*what had I done?*