61: Emotional explosion

**Lucien**

By the time I reached home I was just as confused and afraid as I had been when I had left in the morning. Somewhere throughout the day I had come to the realisation that seeking clarity was nothing but a huge excuse and that I had left, all to avoid the problem that awaited me at home. And so, a few stores down the line I had decided to come back home to face it. But when I entered the house, I realised that Tristan had left, and had taken Calista with her. I assumed that it meant she was still on the pack grounds as she was very adamant on obeying the “no pets” rule at the place in which she was staying. I decided to give her a call, wanting to know where she was and when she would be returning. The sooner I got this conversation out of the way, the sooner we could move forward. My mind and my heart were at war, both fighting over my fears, feelings and past mistakes and unfortunately, Tristan was about to be dragged into this war along with me.

It took a moment for Tristan and Calista to return and when they did, my nervousness peaked to its all-time high and even surpassed that when I laid eyes on Tristan. I wasn’t sure how to act around her anymore and I blamed it all on the kiss. So, I convinced myself that once we’d addressed the issue, things would go back to normal again.

“There’s something I need to say to you.” I said softly.

Her eyes widened and she cleared her throat before saying, “Really? Me too.”

I was surprised by her response. Perhaps she wanted us to forget what had happened as well.

“Why don’t we talk in the sitting room.” I offered. She agreed and set Calista down on the floor before following behind me. Once in the sitting room, she and I sat opposite each other. The entire room was consumed in a deep, awkward silence. It hung in the air like an inescapable odour and left a bitter aftertaste in my mouth. But neither of us dared to utter a word. Instead, we stared at each other, unsure and self-conscious until the silence became so deafening that I had to drown it out with the words I’d been itching to say to her. But it seemed we both had the same idea because the silence was shattered in the next moment when we both spoke at the same time.

“Last night was a mistake.”

“Lucien I’m in love with you.”

Again, silence wrapped around the entire room, but this time, it was filled with shock and hurt. I felt the former and judging by the disturbed look on Tristan’s face, she felt the latter.

**Tristan**

“Last night was a mistake…” it echoed in my head, over and over again, bouncing off the empty walls of my mind. Out of all the possible outcomes of my confession that I had come up with in my mind, this was one I had feared the most.

“Tristan… I-”

But I cut him off as soon as I possibly could. At this point I still hoped that somewhere I could save this conversation. That somewhere, I could save myself, no, *us*, from the bomb which was about to explode.

“What do you mean it was a mistake?” I could hear how absolutely level my voice had remained and how deadly calm I sounded as I spoke- all a pretence, a veil, hiding the ticking of the bomb.

Lucien shifted uncomfortably in his seat and scratched the back of his neck nervously. “W-well… I just don’t think I’m ready to take the next step. There is still so much I’m confused about, still so much…”

He continued to speak, but at some point, I stopped listening. All that came out of his mouth were excuses. And it was then that I realised that all he had ever done was give me excuses and that right now, in this particular moment, I was so sick of hearing them. That’s when I snapped and the emotions which I had spent so long developing, twisted and warped themselves into something ugly. It was a deadly and violent storm of all of the worst emotions I could have ever mustered up and I could feel myself slowly transforming into the worst possible version of myself. The countdown on that bomb was nearing its end with mere moments left before its explosion.

“After all this, you’re still *confused*? Are you fucking serious Lucien? What is there to be confused about anymore? You clearly don’t love my sister! So, there must be something else, another reason why you refuse to stop giving me excuses… and I really don’t even care about what it is anymore.” By then I had stood up from the sofa I was sitting on. Rage, anger and betrayal filled my every vein and consumed my every thought. I was no longer thinking clearly, far from it. Instead, I did something that I had never done before in my life. I let my emotions control me, and with it, all hope of reason left the window.

“You know what the problem is Lucien? You don’t think about anyone else but yourself! It’s always the boundaries that you put up because you’re confused or afraid or need space. What about me? You made me feel again Lucien and now you’re not even willing to try to get over your self-misery and your self-pity so that we can see where this goes? What more do I need to do for you, how much more do I need to give up for you to finally see that the person you’ve been waiting for, the person willing and able to love you is right here in front of you? You’ve turned me into a completely different person and now you don’t even want to take responsibility?”

It was then that Lucien finally spoke up, and as he did, he stood up too. “That’s not fair Tristan,” his voice was calm and steady, but I could sense a tense little edge to it. He then paused a moment before shaking his head and saying, “That’s it! Now I understand why I can’t decide on how I feel about you. The problem isn’t me, it’s you! You have so many secrets Tristan, so many things about yourself that you’re hiding from me. I have always tried to be honest with you and I’ve never hidden any part of myself from you. Standing here, I can tell you *honestly* that I’m terrified of being in a relationship with you because I don’t even know what love is. But you can’t expect me to fall in love with you when I don’t even know who you really are. I’ve known Jasmine-”

I won’t lie, he had me there for a moment, but everything changed the second he mentioned my sister’s name. It was a name which should never have even entered this conversation in the first place, and it was the final second on the timer, setting the bomb off.

Suddenly, the words of my adoptive father made their way into my mind, and then, into my mouth.

“You know what Lucien, you were just fucking using me this whole time to try to fill up that void in yourself that Jasmine left. And you know what else, I don’t want to become some fucking replacement. You’re right, Lucien, you don’t know me and maybe if you did, you’d realise that I could *never* even be considered a replacement.” I yelled.

“What are you talking about? Replacement? Tristan I-”

But I cut him off by slamming my fist into the side of his head and knocking him unconscious. It was an impulsive decision on my part, but by then I was so warped up and tied down by my rage that I didn’t even want to understand any of what Lucien was trying to say. Instead, I was only focussed on how I was feeling and on how I perceived this entire situation. In my mind I was right, and Lucien was wrong not only because I wasn’t familiar with the concept of being wrong, but because I didn’t want to admit defeat. Thus, I made another mistake. I decided to choose differently, to choose my adoptive father. And looking back at it now, I realise that this decision, the worst and yet best decision of my life was made because I was truly frightened. I was frightened of all of these emotions I was feeling and so I needed some comfort and something familiar… little did I know that what awaited me was the opposite of comfort and was familiar in the worst ways possible.