Heartaches

Chapter thirty-eight
Gwen
I've been staying with Mrs. Johnson three days ago. And it's so comfortable here.
Mrs. Johnson has two children, two guys. One is about twenty-five and he's out of the country. Ryder sent him out to study at Harvard.
The second one is still in high school. And Mrs. Johnson is a widow.
I've been enjoying my stay here. Mrs. Johnson has done all in her power to make sure I enjoy my stay but I feel I'm burdening her too much.
I mean she had to stay overall these days. Also, she has resumed work today. That means I might not be able to see her again.
Aside from that, I feel I should leave this location. I need to find something good to do with my life.
If I keep on staying here, my life might get ruined.
I just don't know what to do.
I fiddle with Ryder's black card in my hand. I should return this before anything else.
I've already spent more than I should. Well, I should have handed it over to Mrs. Johnson the other time.
Well, I remember. I just want to use the opportunity to see him again.
I just don't know why I feel like seeing him again. Well, I should thank him for his relationship.
Maybe he will be getting married in weeks.
I really have to see Ryder today. I mean I will go to his house for my luggage.
If I find Ryder, then I will give the black card to him. If I don't, then I will just drop it with Lizzy.
Then I will find something to do.
I need to end my life. Perhaps I should leave this state. I should go to a place where no one will be able to find me, not even Heidi.
But then, how am I sure I won't get another beating of my life? What if Mimi hits my head against the wall again and I die instantly?
I sigh for the umpteenth time that day.
I feel tired as it is.
I should walk around the street for a fresh breeze. I've been stuck inside the house for too long. The only day I left the house was yesterday and that was to redress my wound.
I take my bennie and cover my head with it. The bandage is always visible if I don't wear anything on my head.
I wear my slipper and walk out of the house. The moment I take a step out of the house, I feel a cool breeze blow to my side.
Damn! I feel good. I should have done it sooner.
I walk for a while, admiring the building and designs.
Have I ever dreamed of building houses or owning cars? Have I ever dreamed of completing my education? Have I ever dreamed of becoming someone very important?
No, because dreaming isn't meant for people like me.
Most of the time, they get ruined because we've wished for it. And eventually, we end up hurting ourselves because we didn't get what we wanted.
Though, I might not be in this kind of position if my mom was still alive.
Well, life has a way of making it miserable for us all. But for Heidi, life will always be good.
I envy her. I'm jealous of all my stepsisters.
They can be all they want but it's not the same for me.
Perhaps I was born to wither away.
I stop suddenly as I realize I'm going too far. I might have a problem walking back home. O should go now.
I got home quicker than I thought. Maybe it's because I was in deep thought when I was leaving but the walk back was in haste.
I close the gate and walk inside the living room.
I pull off my sandal slipper and move to walk inside the kitchen to get a bottle of water.
My legs pull themselves to a stop suddenly and my head turns on angle ninety as I stare at Ryder.
I scream and jerk back.
"Hey, slowly. It's me," he says and takes a step towards me.
" What are you doing scaring me like that?"
He chuckles lightly, " I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."
I comport myself and clear my throat meaningfully, my heart increasing at an alarming rate.
I don't know why being close to him is doing me like this.
"Mrs. Johnson isn't at home," I say and take a step towards the kitchen.
"I know," I pull to a stop again, my heartbeat preventing me from realizing he's standing so close to me, "I came here to see you."
I couldn't look at him. I mean why is he here? Why does he want to talk to me?
And how did he even know my whereabouts?
Damn! Mrs. Johnson must have told him. Or maybe he asked and she had no choice but to say it.
I take a deep breath, relaxing. I wanted to see him. I wanted to return his black card. And I wanted to pack my stuff out of his house.
That's the only business I have with him, nothing more or less.
I turn to look at him. He's taller by three inches.
"What do you want from me?"
"Your forgiveness," his deep voice says. His eyes speaks what he wanted to say.
I look down on my dress and dust away invisible dirt on it before looking up at Mr. Sportman again
"Sure! But you don't offend me. And if you feel that way, then you have been forgotten. Can I go now?"
He didn't answer so I see it as a confirmation.
I made to walk away again.
"I want you to come back home," he says pulling me into another sudden stop.
Home? Did he just say home? My father's house has not been a home to me since the day they all joined a gang to maltreat me.
The same goes for Ryder's house.
I've stopped considering his house as my home since the day Mimi laid her hand on me.
"I'm sorry but I have no intention of going back to any place that reminds me of Heidi and my stepsisters," I fire back without even looking at him.
He sighs, " I'm sorry about what Mimi did."
"You are?" I turn to look at him. Now, I feel so angry, "You are and you refused to visit me in the hospital. You even stayed with Mimi. Apparently you loved what she did."
A flicker that ran across his face shows I really hit the nail on the head. He must have been with her throughout.
"It's not what you think Gwen," he started but I cut him off.
"It's not what I think? That your acting skill is pertaining to my stepsister? This was how she started as well before she became this cruel."
I remember when I was in high school, Heidi wasn't like this then.
"When I was younger," I look downward, "I trusted Heidi just like I trusted you. I told her everything that I felt but," I stop slightly to push down the lump that has suddenly formed in my throat.
"I knew I should never have trusted you," I feel the tears threaten to break loose. I didn't stop it, I didn't bother to. I don't even want to.
I feel so much pain inside. Pains I will never get rid of forever. Pains that have always set me aside. Can it just be better for me?
I look up at him, "I never wanted to trust anyone!" I look away, remembering the worst part of my life.
" But I had a feeling to do it with you. I had wanted to trust you and even repay you for everything you've done for me."
The tears become unstoppable.
" I didn't have a dream. Apparently, I wasn't meant to. But I started dreaming when you came along. Why did you have to do that for me?"
" Why did you give me hope when you knew you would tarnish it?"
" Why did you make me think I could be something better when this is only what you want from me?"
I look up at him again. Should I regret ever meeting him or not?
"Please listen to me," he whispers.
I study him for a moment. Those eyes that look as though it would shed but didn't? Is he playing me?
His facial expressions are so hard to read or maybe I'm just not a good judge of character.
Well, Heidi is proof of that.
I'm just going to leave this house. And I won't trust anyone ever again. I will be on my own.
Perhaps, I can start another life. Maybe I should change names too.
"You can leave," I tell him, with a hard tone.
I wonder how I got so much effrontery to talk back to him. I was always afraid to talk back to Heidi.
Well, that was because I was always scared of where I would go or how I would start my life.
But as from now, after God, I will be the controller of my life.
"Gwen, please," his voice sounds so emotional but I decide to ignore it. He might be trying to deceive me.
"I will leave them," I announce and move to walk away.
His hand holds me suddenly, whirling me around in the process. He pull me close and stare at me for a while, my breathe got caught in my throat as a result.
My eyes widen as he tilts his head in, stopping to kiss me on my lips.