Deep thoughts

Chapter fifty

Gwen

She was the one all along?

Then it came at me dangerously. Lizzy kept calling Ryder by his first name and he never said anything to it.

I know he permitted me to call him by his first name but he only considered me as a friend.

He didn't tell Lizzy anything but he instead crushed on her.

I look away and try to suppress the tears. Though, I don't know why I'm feeling this way. Gosh, it feels like someone had a knife over my neck.

I feel so hurt and I wonder why.

Throughout his talk with the administrator, I couldn't say anything.

Even on our way home, I didn't say anything to the two couples. None of them said anything to me either. They seemed too engrossed in whatever conversation they were having. It felt like I was intruding.

Gosh, it's so painful.

Well, I'm happy for Ryder. He's finally going to get married. And funnily enough, he found someone of my age mate.

When Ryder's car pulled up in the compound, I walk out quickly and rush inside. I walk into the bathroom and lock the door.

I decide to let the tears flow out freely. Though, I'm still unsure why I'm crying or why it feels so painful.

I wash and walk out. A note is on my bed.

I pick it up and look through it. It read, "We waited for you but we couldn't wait anymore. I and Ryder have gone out to get a nice house for us."

I sigh and stifle the fresh tears. It's good I didn't follow then anyway. They will only be tormenting me.

But how will I be able to stay in the same room with Lizzy? What if Ryder comes visiting and one thing leads to another.

Ryder will probably get us a different room but in the same house. He wouldn't want an intruder whenever he's in the mood to do something.

Gosh! I don't know why I'm having this thought.

I lay on the bed, feeling so miserable. Maybe I should sleep.

I open my eyes and roll on the bed. I wonder if those two couples are both by now.

Gosh, I still feel so tired to think or stand. I dart at the wall clock and it's three already.

Damn! I slept for so long.

I should just sleep again.

I didn't hear Mrs. Johnson's voice earlier. I wonder if she is in this house.

I close my eyes and drift back to sleep.

"What if she wakes up," a low but deep voice pulled me out of my unconscious state. The voice sounds so familiar. There's no way I won't know who it is. It's definitely Ryder.

"No, just a kiss," a soft voice says. This sounds like Lizzy's own.

Why am I hearing their voices?

"Stop it!" Ryder chuckles, the type he does whenever I'm with him. I can't believe he's doing it with Lizzy already.

I turn my head to another side and open my eyes.

I see Ryder closely with Lizzy. He's holding her by her waist as if it's no big deal. Well, it's not. She's his girlfriend anyways.

Lizzy giggles slightly as she looks up at Ryder.

"I'm going to bed! Goodnight!" Ryder says finally, pulling away from Lizzy.

I wonder what they are doing in my room. And why they had to do it in here! Gosh, they are so annoying.

I watch him open the door and walk out before my eyes dart the clock again. It's seven o'clock and I didn't have lunch or dinner.

I'm not even hungry. I just want to be alone. And asides, I feel sleepy for no reason. Maybe it's because I've been crying. Anyways, my eyes feel sticky and gummy. It's drawing my eyelids together.

I close my eyes again but I can feel Lizzy walk closer, "Gwen, are you awake?"

I didn't answer and drifted far into wonderland.

When I open my eyes again, it was eleven in the night. I feel fully awake now.

I had a dream last night. I saw Ryder and a lady cuddling. They were kissing and joking.

The lady seems to be me. Damn! I'm going crazy! What the fuck is happening to me.

Realization hits me suddenly, nearly knocking me out.

I am in love with Ryder. That's what happened. The reason why I felt bad when I found out Ryder had a girlfriend and the reason why I couldn't stop crying. I also felt jealous.

It was all because I have suddenly fallen in love with Ryder.

This is uncalled for! What the fuck happened? How did it become so? How can I love Ryder?

There's no doubting he's a nice man but love?

I did feel ok when we kissed and I wanted to have more.

Gosh, I don't believe I fell in love with Ryder.

What should I do?