Chapter 28: Bryn

I’m in the middle of my second class of the morning when the alarm on my watch starts to go off. I was in such a rush today that I forgot all about my pills. Not that it matters since they should be…

Wait, where are they?

A frantic search of my bag doesn’t reveal the small box I keep them in. Shoot! This happens way too often which is why my mom got me the pill alarm container and why I have reminders on my phone that alerts me on my watch as well. Thankfully I have a good hour or so between classes after this so I can run home and grab them. The effects of not taking them don’t really show up unless I’ve missed a whole day, but even then, it’s only a small headache and fatigue.

Still, it can be bad for me not to take them, so as soon as my class ends, I’m jogging out of the building and climbing into my car. As I’m driving, I start to feel a headache coming on, but I blink my eyes a few times and try to focus on the road the best I can.

How many doses did I miss?

I try to think back to last night and whether I took them or not. Sawyer is a huge distraction so it’s been hard for me to remember certain things, so I can’t say for sure if I took them. I’ll know once I count them, but if I’m getting a headache then the chances are I missed last night’s dose and now this mornings! Crap! I had gotten a handle on this, but I guess being in a new environment and already so busy it slipped my mind.

When I get home, I see Sawyer’s truck still parked out front. He didn’t work out today? I’m going to have to discuss with him that even though he can’t do strenuous exercise for hours doesn’t mean he can’t do some light work outs. We may be dating now, but he isn’t about to sweet talk his way out of a good routine.

I walk inside the house and don’t hear anything. “Sawyer? Are you here?”

“In here.” His voice sounds flat but close.

When I walk further into the house, I see him standing next to the kitchen bar. There’s a very familiar box sitting on the counter next to him.

“Oh! There it is!” I walk toward the counter and grab the box.

I open it and find last nights pill still there. Darn it!

“What is that Bryn?” Sawyer asks suddenly.

I turn my head to look at him and am a little confused by his expression. He looks confused but also angry.

“It’s a pill container.”

He scoffs and drops his arms. “I know that Bryn. What are the pills for?”

His question sounds accusatory which is odd since…wait…

“What the heck Sawyer? You think I’m on drugs?” I shout at him.

“Of course not! I didn’t say that.” He sighs like I’m being dramatic.

“Well, the way you’re looking at me says otherwise.” I grab the box and storm toward my room.

I can hear Sawyer following me but I don’t slow down or look at him.

“B, come on.”

I whirl around to glare at him. “What?”
“I didn’t mean to sound like I was accusing you. I want to know what they are that’s all.”

This is a conversation I didn’t expect to have with anyone, but if we’re going to be together her needs to know. It wouldn’t be fair to keep something like this from him. So, I turn to face him and take a deep breath. There is still a lot of confusion and taboos around my condition so I’m not sure how he’ll react.

“I have a mood disorder.” I throw it out there.

No point in sugar coating it.

He furrows his brows and watches me for a long moment. Since he’s not speaking, I decide to explain.

“It used to be called Bipolar Disorder but since that can be misconstrued due to it’s past association with harmful stereotypes they call it a mood disorder now.”

He still doesn’t say anything, so I go on.

“Basically, it means that my body isn’t able to regulate my moods which can cause me to act erratically. There are two different types, but I’m the type that deals with both manic and depressive episodes. The medications help keep me balanced but I get so busy that I forget. My condition has ADHD undertones as well which can make me a little scatter brained. I’ve been doing well and haven’t had a true episode in a while.”

Still silence.

I rock back on my heels and wait. I’m not sure what to do now.

“Sawyer? Look I know this might be confusing and there are all sorts of assumptions running through your head but I can tell you all the stereotypes linked to Bipolar Disorder are not true. We aren’t crazy, and it isn’t just a different kind of depression. It’s a lot more in depth than that, so if you want to know more I suggest reading up on it. I don’t expect you to be okay with this, but I can’t change what I am so if it’s a problem for you then I’ll find another place to stay.” I storm into the bathroom and lock the door behind me.
I don’t want to feel ashamed about what’s wrong with me, but I also don’t broadcast it. So many people think they know what is involved with a mood disorder or they just call us wild and crazy, but it’s so much more. It can’t be controlled a hundred percent and even on medication you can still have episodes. Since I’ve been doing so well, I didn’t plan on telling anyone unless it was necessary but now Sawyer knows. Will he not want me now that he knows? I never thought he would be that kind of guy, but he’s not old Sawyer.

He only knows me when we were young and it was before my diagnosis. I want to be annoyed or mad with him for acting like this but what I really feel is hurt. My eyes start to burn as I run through every possible reaction I have to look forward to when he comes out of his shock. None of which turns out good and ends up only making me want to cry more.

Great, now the rest of my day is going to be me walking around with a big cloud over my head. A knock at the bathroom door startles me and I step away from the door like any second someone is going to break it down. A crazy thought but that’s the sort of panicked feeling I get.

“B, please open the door. I can’t listen to you cry in there alone.” Sawyer’s voice sounds pained, but how did he know I was crying?

It didn’t feel like I cried more than a few drops but when I reach up and touch my cheek it’s soaked with tears. How long had I been crying? I don’t know, but it must have been long enough for Sawyer to hear it. I must have gotten lost in my thoughts a while ago.

“Please open the door.” This time his voice is soft and barely audible through the door.

Still, I hesitate. I’m embarrassed! I don’t want him to look at me differently or treat me any differently. I’m still Bryn but with a little extra spice. At least that’s what my dad said when I told him about my diagnosis. My parents took it well, but Poppy sobbed like a baby. Then she became my dedicated medicine police for the first six months. She was worried that if I didn’t take my meds that I would get confused and lost. No matter how many times I told her that wouldn’t happen she didn’t listen.

“Babe, I don’t care about you having a mood disorder. I was just confused and shocked. You’re right though. I don’t know anything about it other than what people say, but I want you to tell me the truth about it.”

His words sound sincere, but I don’t know if I can trust him yet. This could become too much for him, and I would understand his fears. It’s not easy having a partner with a medical condition, and one that is inviable to the eye. A lot of days I forget what I am and think I’m cured, but there is no cure for this. I’ll need to be on my medications for the rest of my life.

I can’t be fixed or pretend that I’m okay on my bad days. Maybe it was a mistake agreeing to date Sawyer, but in that moment, I was too happy to care. Now I have to face him and allow him to break my heart. He says he doesn’t care but now he’ll never think of me the same way. All he’ll see is my illness.