CHAPTER 135: REMORSE

Up until this very minute, where I believe almost everyone here in the fortress was already asleep, yet my mind was still preoccupied and I couldn’t force my eyes to shut and rest. It’s midnight and Michael was in his state of tranquility, but I am still wide awake and am still drowning with thoughts. 

Although Ivar and I settled everything by ourselves and took the liberty to decide without asking for Michael’s consent of what needs to be done, my conscience continues to haunt and torment me. I had been restless, twisting and turning for hours, unable to contain the guilt I am feeling for betraying the man I truly loved all my life. 

‘Why does it have to be like this, Michael? Why can’t you just be practical? Why do you need to be stubborn and choose your daughter over me? I knew perfectly well how much you love her, how much you ache to be with her, but what about me? Don’t you love me as much as you love her? How about my sacrifices for you over the years? How about my love for you? Haven’t you thought about it? Don’t you ever regret that after all those years that we’ve been through, after all the trials and pains we’ve encountered, that I deserved more to be with you?’ My eyes settled back at him, watching him with intent slowness, as if I am trying to memorize every angle and inch of him, trying to capture every moment that I am still with him. Then out of nowhere, agonizing crystals started to cloud my pupils and gradually fell in succession. ‘I love you so much, Michael. I love you with all of my heart, God knows I dearly do. As much as I love to be with you for the rest of my life and you are my heart’s desire, I deeply apologize that I could no longer be with you. Goodbye, Michael. Goodbye, my love.’ 

Gently, I climbed down the bed and creeped away from him, because I could no longer contain my tears. My heart wants to burst out of this extreme agony I am feeling. I wish to cry out loud and scream from the top of my lungs, release this tremendously heavy load I am experiencing. I wanted to unload all my heartaches, every single one of it. My feet swiftly strode out of the room and almost ran towards the hallway. Since my eyes were blurry from tears, I didn’t notice a figure along the way and bumped into him out of the blue. Due to the impact of this unforeseen block and the fragileness of my stature as of the moment, I felt my whole weight fall backward and was about to hit the ground. Anticipating the pain of touching the ground, I swiftly closed my eyes and braced myself for the impact. But instead of feeling the hard solid surface, my back landed at something that is firm yet warm. A masculine scent filled my nostrils as I caught my breath. 

“Easy, beautiful. We don’t want to hurt that gorgeous body of yours, don’t we?” My eyes hastily opened and I came face to face with Ivar, whose face was just an inch away from mine. He was so close that I could feel the heat of his breath and smell its freshness. I was suddenly lost of words and just remained focused on his facial features. I am aware that he was ruggedly handsome. I've seen him several times before,  but I never imagined he was this god-like up close. I feel my body unable to move, although my mind told me to do so. The minute his eyes caught mine, I was literally awestruck at their beauty, seeing it extremely close and like dancing. I swallowed a lump when his eyes trailed downward and stopped at my still slightly ajar mouth. They lingered at them, which made me unsteadily conscious of our closeness. But what somehow puzzled me was the unexpected excitement I felt inside my stomach as he sexily wet his lips before returning his sight to my eyes. “Here, let me help you, Sweetheart.” His strong arms moved, one touching my waist, while the other remained at my back. “There you go.” 

“I… Ahm…” 

“Cat got your tongue, Sweetheart?” There was evident amusement laced in his words, which brought a burning sensation on my cheeks. 

I am uncertain of what’s gotten into me, but I could feel my entire body tensing at his presence now, which I didn’t feel before. It was as if there was this unexplainable spark within me that I can’t name nor fully understand. To somehow mask away what I am unpredictably experiencing, I swiftly folded my arms and placed them at my chest before clearing down my throat. 

“I just got startled with your presence, Ivar, that’s all. I never thought I would bump into anyone at this late hour.” 

“Speaking of that, why were you up early?”

“I can’t sleep. Excuse me.” I didn’t wait for his response and immediately turned my back away from him. But even before I could proceed walking, his words made me pause. 

“Guilt’s been eating you huh?” 

“It’s none of your business, Ivar. Leave me alone. I wish to be alone.” 

“You know what? Remorse is one of the most brutal feelings one could ever feel. It’s more deadlier than any sharp-pointed knives ever created by mankind. It can make you crazy, especially if you’re keeping it all to yourself.” 

“Please Ivar, I just need some air to breathe.” 

He didn’t respond and I thought he would just simply leave me at peace, but all of a sudden I felt something warm touch my right hand. When I looked at it, Ivar’s hand was clinging onto mine, holding it tightly. 

“Come with me, let’s resolve that thing you are feeling.” 

Before I could even protest and disagree with him, he pulled me and led me towards the end of the hallway then straight to the other side, where I am certain is where his private room was located. 

“Wait, Ivar. What are you doing? Where are you taking me?”

“I’m going to help you loosen things up, Sweetheart.” My head started to work out and circulate, thinking what the hell was he talking about. 

“Huh? Loosen what up?” 

He swiftly paused and gazed back at me. “The remorse that’s caking inside of you right this very moment. I will help you temporarily forget about it.” 

“I don’t need any help, Ivar. Thanks, but no thanks.” 

“Oh come on, Sweetheart. You’ll enjoy every minute of it as much as I do.” All I could ever think of was him wanting to have sex with me. That’s what my mind was telling me. With one swift move, I pulled away from him and slapped him hard, which caught him unguarded. “What the fuck, Pamela! What was that for?” He asked while gently touching his cheek where my palm landed. 

“I may not be a virgin, Ivar, but I am not a cheap whore!” With that, my feet swiftly marched away from him, feeling disgusted.