CHAPTER 39: FIRST TIME

Still feeling compelled at the unexpected turn of events, because of how Michelle ruined my plans for the night with Pamela, as I held her hand and headed towards her room. My mind was swirling with thoughts, things that I must consider to persuade her and how to make her understand.


I am fully aware that she is adjusting to our situation now. None of these could have occurred if only Penelope agreed that I’ll have sole custody of her. Now I had to deal with Michelle and make her agree with what I am planning, which by the way things ended up a while ago, wouldn’t be as easy as I thought it would be.


I tucked her to bed after she cleaned herself. During the previous nights, I didn’t have a hard time dealing with her, it was only tonight that she acted this way, which completely baffled me. I was about to get her storybook to read her a story, so she could sleep and I could be on my own to think, when she yawned and stopped me from standing.


“I want to sleep now, Daddy. Don’t read me bedtime stories anymore.”


The veins in my body bulged and recoiled with annoyance on what she concluded. My earlier thoughts of how she plotted everything just to get rid of Pamela came rushing inside my head as I gazed at her with disbelief. As much as I didn't want to burst out my irritation and frustration at her for a ruined night that was supposed to be a night to remember for the three of us, my anger suddenly rose up.


“You did that on purpose, did you?” She simply looked at me with stillness, plucking her eyes with innocence and staring dumbfoundedly. “Why did you do that, Michelle? Why did you shoo your Aunt away like that?”


“I didn’t shoo her away. She left on her own.”


“She left because you made her feel unwelcome in this house. Your Aunt Pamela left because you intentionally sought my attention and left her without a choice, but to leave. You did all of these on purpose.”


“I didn’t.”


“You didn’t?” She swiftly nodded her little head while clutching her blanket. “If you didn’t, then why don’t you wish for me to read you a bedtime story all of a sudden? When you said earlier that you want me to read you one, so you could go to sleep quickly.”


“Because I don’t feel like listening to any of it anymore, Daddy,” She said straight-forwardly, which only heightened my irritation towards her.


I knew she was lying. I perfectly knew that she was manipulating me with her little lies, playing with me at the palm of her little hands. I couldn’t believe my little girl was capable of such a cunning move. I couldn’t imagine her knowing how to have her way and how to play it well. Her answer didn’t only make my head throb, but intensified my suspicion of her, which thinned my patience.


Her mother must have planted a dubious seed inside her head. Penelope must have poisoned my daughter’s innocent mind against Pamela, who I’m not blinded to know that she hated the most, for the sole reason that I couldn’t love her back because of her sister. These thoughts made me sicker, which added fuel to the already burning coal inside me.


“When did you start to know how to lie to me, Michelle? You weren’t like that before. And when did you start to be rude to someone who was way older than you? I never taught you that.”


“I am not lying, Daddy, and I didn’t act rude earlier too.”


“You did! You did and you know it! I am disappointed in you, Michelle. I never thought you were capable of being such a little brat. You did everything on purpose, because you didn’t like your Aunt Pamela to be part of our lives, of my life! Why? Were you still hoping for your mom and I to be back together? Was that it, huh Michelle? Well let me tell you one thing and you listen to me good, your mother and I will never be together again! I didn’t love her because I hated her more than anyone else in this world! The mere sight of her sickened me and I will never live with her anymore for as long as I live! Got that?” I uttered in succession, bursting all my anger and frustration at the woman who started all of this fucking mess.


After ranting my stirred up emotions, small hiccups and sobs made my head turn at her and I was literally frozen from where I was seated. I felt my whole world collapse right before my eyes and tiny beads rolled down from my daughter’s chubby cheeks, soaking her face that made my heart crushed into pieces.


All of a sudden, a feeling of remorse and anxiety crept inside of me as I was at a stand still and unable to move nor to say a word or two. My eyes were glued to her tiny face as she continued to weep in silence as her small shoulders trembled with it.


‘Fuck! What have I done? Why did I have to include my precious little daughter with my wrath against her mother? Why did I outburst like that in front of her?’


I was about to speak up and ask for an apology when she suddenly spoke the words which twisted my heart to the fullest. Every word was laced with grief and illness that made me feel little of myself out of the blue.


“If you don’t love Mommy anymore, then you shouldn’t love me as well. If you hated her and didn’t wish to be back with her, then hate me as well, Daddy! Because I love Mommy so much regardless of what you say against her! Aunt Pamela will never be an inch of Mommy. There is no way you could force me to like her, because I will never like her to be my stepmother. I only want Mommy! I want to be with Mommy now! I want to see Mommy now! Mommy! Take me with you, Mommy! I don’t like it here anymore!”


She was tearing up so badly and was screaming out, calling for her mother endlessly. I was withheld from where I was and couldn’t do a thing to appease her. My mind was knotted and ill-wrapped with the words she hatefully outburst against me.


“Princess,”


“I need you to leave my room please, Daddy, leave me alone.”


As much as I wished to hug her tightly and soothe her aches away, I was paralyzed to do so. Her concluding words only elevated the guilty conscience that was eating me alive now. With a slackened shoulder and after sighing heavily, I dragged my feet out of her room. I even heard her wailing louder as I was closing the door behind me.


My heart was filled with deep regrets for all the things I said back there. I shouldn’t have let my adverse emotions on Penelope take out the best of me. I should have controlled myself, just like what I always do when in front of my daughter and speaking to her.


What happened now didn’t only worsen the chance I was hoping for her to be close to Pamela and create a gap between her and me, which I hated myself for ever indulging in, but also stirred fear inside my heart that it might cause me problem when I finally file the sole custody case in court.


This was the first time such an incident like this occurred, in which I totally blamed myself for being such a reckless asshole and for hurting my little girl that I never wished to do. This was the very first time Michelle cried like that in front of me and the first time I heard her say such heart-piercing words.


‘I deeply apologize, princess. Daddy’s terribly sorry for making you cry and for saying those words. I hope you could still forgive Daddy, Michelle. I love you so much and I sincerely apologize for hurting you tonight.’