CHAPTER 57: LOVE CAN'T BE FORCED

As much as I could possibly administer, I distanced myself from Lewis while we were inside the mall. Aside from setting an invisible border between us and literally putting a wide margin amidst the two of us, I seldom glanced at him as well. It was hard, really difficult indeed, because I am aware of his occasional meaningful stares at me and his eagerness to be close to me.


My hunches about Nicole seeing what occurred between Lewis and I the night before plus her out of the blue rudeness towards me earlier during breakfast, which was understandably inevitable because she was hurting massively, continuously succumbed to me with an immeasurably guilty conscience.


Although I tried my best to put every thought and feelings behind my back and focused myself in choosing clothes for Michelle, I couldn’t make up my mind to cooperate with what I desire to accomplish. Thinking that I may hurt someone was far way different from knowing I have hurted someone. The self-reproach and remorsefulness was stronger and extremely unsettling.


My mind was telling me countless times that I didn’t violate anything and wasn’t to be blamed for Nicole’s pain. It constantly reminds me that she and Lewis weren’t in a relationship, in fact, Lewis clearly stated that he doesn’t have any feelings for her. But even if I am highly aware of these truths and knew they were accurately right, still my conscience wouldn’t let me be at peace.


Even now I continue putting the blame on myself for allowing things to get out of hand, which resulted in breaking someone’s heart and causing her to suffer more. Until this period, I keep on scolding myself why I let these unrightful things to occur.


I know well enough how it feels like to be beseeching for attention and begging for affection. I am fully aware of the pain, the suffering and grieving it resulted upon of not gaining those things you desired in your heart the most. I had been on that road several times for the past six years and I fully empathize with Nicole's feelings right now. I totally understand where she was coming from.


Although she shouldn’t be supposedly acting that way, because Lewis wasn’t committed to her intimately, yet I still know the adverse feelings she was experiencing now. It was all caking inside of me as if I was the one in her shoes as of the moment.


“Penelope! I am calling you several times for the last few minutes, yet it seems you weren’t hearing me. What’s wrong with you? Is something the matter?” My father reprimanded me as he stared in puzzlement and concern. Lewis, so were Carol and Michelle, all gazed at me with the same exact reaction.


“I was simply thinking of something, Dad. What were you saying to me?”


“I guess we should wrap up our shopping for today and schedule another one soon. We almost have Michelle’s basic wardrobe needs, so let’s all head back home.”


“That’s fine with me, Grandpa. Let’s resume shopping some other time. It looks like Mommy needed more sleep” Michelle concernedly uttered before holding my hand and smiled widely. I smiled back at her, but my father’s scrutinizing stares didn’t escape my eyes. I know he will have a word with me once we arrive home, so I prepared myself for a heart to heart conversation with him.


True enough, he asked Lewis to take him to his study room the minute we set ground back home. Michelle was eager to take a dip at the pool, so Carol accompanied her. Once inside the study room, dad told Lewis to lock the door behind him, indicating that he wished to spend this time with me alone. As commanded upon, Lewis respectively left in a haste.


“Now tell me what’s bothering you, Penelope. Does this have something to do with what Lewis asked permission for me to do?” My eyes swiftly glanced at his way as nervousness started to crawl inside my body.


“He asked you permission on what?”


“He told me earlier in my room that he wishes to court you. He asked for my permission and blessing if he may do so, in which I said yes. I already conveyed before to the both of you that he was my first candidate for you, if ever you were to do a relationship again. So was this the one that disturbed your thoughts?”


“No, Dad, it wasn’t that” I whispered laboriously before finally settling at the chair in front of his desk.


“Then what?”


I had to take several deep breaths to somehow steady both my mind and heart. After doing so, I voiced out my sentiments wholeheartedly to him. “It’s about Nicole, Dad.”


“What about her? Was what you're about to say has some connection with what slightly occurred between the two of you earlier during breakfast?”


“Somewhat, yes.”


“Spill it out. I’d like to hear about it, so I know what course of action I must adhere to.”


Another heavy and burdensome breath escaped from me. “Lewis and I talked the night before at the pergola, I mean, we talked and had done something more intimate.”


“He kissed you” I was taken aback at the vulgarity of my father’s words. I suddenly felt ashamed at what he said. I simply nodded before continuing.


“He told me he has an affection for me and asked me to give him a chance to prove his intentions towards me.”


“And you said no, I presumed.”


“I tried to let him see things from my perspective, but he was so persistent, which ended in me taking heed of his request.”


“So what’s the big deal about that? You’re legally untangled now with Michael, you divorced him, which makes you a single woman. Lewis too was single, so I don’t see anything wrong if the two of you would go beyond the boundary of friendship.”


“The problem is, Dad, Nicole’s in love with him and her slight hostility and rudeness earlier gave me a gut feeling that she witnessed what occurred the night before.”


“I was right then all along.”


“Right about what?” I inquired with utter baffledness, completely clueless of what he was conveying.


“I have been studying Nicole’s reaction for a year now. I was right that she indeed had feelings for Lewis. So what now if she was in love with Lewis, the man eyes someone else. She cannot push herself on him merely because she loved him. That’s not the way love goes, Penelope. You can’t force someone to love you back, especially if he or she was loving someone else.”


The words that came right out of his lips made me recollect what I did six years ago with Michael. He was right. Love can’t be forced, which was what I did and looked at what happened to me for the past six years of my marriage with Michael. I gained nothing in return from him, because I forced him to be with me, which I shouldn’t have done.


“But she’s hurting, Dad. I was in her shoes before and the feeling was devastatingly unbearable.”


“You can’t please everyone, Penelope. It was her choice to get hurt, because she was loving the wrong man. None of what she is feeling right now does anything have to do with you. It’s not your fault that Lewis made her invisible in his eyes. It wasn’t your fault that he couldn’t love her back the way she loved him. Don’t stress yourself, princess. None of what is happening now to Nicole was your fault. She chose to be in this state she was in. You shouldn’t be blaming yourself, that’s unfair on your part.”


“I just couldn’t bear the thought of her hurting, Dad, because I am fully aware of how intense that feeling was.”


“Let her lick her own wounds, Penelope. Not everyone was given a second chance in love. I didn’t, but you do. Now it’s up to you if you will let Lewis be part of your life, that’s solely your decision and not mine or his, nor anyone else.”


“I don’t know, Dad. Right now I’m confused and deeply bothered with Nicole’s treatment towards me.”


“You want me to dispatch her off this household? I could simply allocate her to the office if you wish. I offered that once before to her, but she declined it.”


“No, Dad! That would be unfair to her!”


“Then what do you want me to do with her? So you wouldn’t be this bothered and unsettled by her presence?”


“I don’t know, Dad, I’m utterly confused right now of what I really want” I exclaimed problematically as I held onto a few strands of my hair tightly.


“I guess it’s best that you rest for the meantime, princess. Take a much adequate sleep just like what Michelle told earlier. Let your mind rest, then after doing so, you face this problem with much clearer thinking.”


“Alright,” I sighed heavily before standing up.


“Everything will be fine, Penelope. You don’t need to rush about this love thing between Lewis and you. Take all the time you need. He said he would be more than willing to wait for you.”


“Yeah, he told me that as well.”


He slowly stood up and tortoise-like walked towards me. He was a few inches away when he widely opened his arms and waited for me to acknowledge his actions. I gradually headed towards him with a timid smile before wrapping my arms around his body. I felt him kissing the top of my head, which somehow gave me the ease I crave of having.


“Believe me, everything will be perfectly fine in due time. Disregard that guilt feeling you are bearing for Nicole, because that was utterly inappropriate and incorrect. Don’t carry her burden, princess. Let her deal with her own problems as you mind yours.”


“Thanks, Dad.”


“Anything for you, my precious child. Daddy will always protect you whatever it takes.”


A genuine smile appeared at the corners of my lips as I hugged him tighter. Being this close to a person, who fully loved me regardless of my flaws and imperfections, was something I was extremely blessed of. His embrace had given me the sheer will to face whatever problems I would be encountering with utmost determination and bravery.