CHAPTER 55: WORST ENEMY

It was just the other day that my precious little angel was taken away from me, yet it felt like a lifetime. It literally felt like years for me. The longingness of beholding her, the yearning of feeling her warm and loving embrace, the desire of hearing her perky voice and high-pitched laughters, all were adamantly combined together in one nerve-breaking and mind-blowing agony that totally bulldozes me.


I had been drinking all by myself since that day to somehow alleviate the sufferings and make me sleep off this nightmare I was in, but the adverse emotions I was experiencing now were far more stronger than what I was intaking. The liquid substance was supposed to be a pain reliever to numb my mind and body, yet all of a sudden, it was nothing more but a mere plain fluid just like basic water.


I never felt so defeated in my entire life. Never have I felt so extremely lost and helplessly submerged that its impact was literally hellish and atrociously traumatic. During the time Pamela and I parted ways, the pain and misery was heavy, which I thought was the fullest of it, but it wasn’t as gravely excruciating and diabolical as the pain and misery I am encountering now. This was far beyond it and way too deeper than any kind of agony and miserable state I was in before.


I barely surpassed the past six years without Pamela in my life. Had managed to live day by day without her by my side. But I highly doubt now if I could live my remaining years without my daughter. I am uncertain if I could surpass months and years without Michelle. She was my life. She was my everything. And now that she isn't with me anymore, I don’t think my life would be the same as it was before when she was here.


“Not again, Michael. You had been drowning yourself to death for days already. When will this stop?” Pamela complained as she walked in the living room.


She had been whining about my drinking for the past three days and I am starting to feel annoyed by her irritating voice, which was buzzing in my ears like persistent flies over and over again. After emptying my glass, I pounded it heavily on the center table that created a loud thud before turning my head from where she was standing.


“You don’t feel the pain I was feeling, Pamela, so shut the fuck up.”


“But you are destroying yourself, Michael. Look at yourself. This isn’t you.”


“Who cares what I do to myself. I’ll drown myself for as long as I wish and none of what you will say can stop me” I uttered grumpily as I poured myself another drink.


“Who cares? I fucking care, Michael!” I simply glanced at her before drinking the substance. “Michelle will never return even if you drink all the liquor here in Beechworth! None of what you do now will bring her back!”


And just like that, the totality of my frustrations, my extreme rage on Penelope and the emptiness I felt for the loss of my daughter balled up into one massive fiery mass that made me throw the empty glass I was holding at the wall with intensity. It shattered into pieces on the flooring. My eyes settled fiercely at her as I eyed her intently.


“Fuck you, Pamela! You don’t know what I am feeling now! You don’t know a shit of how it feels like to be in my shoes now! If you can’t withstand the sight of me, then fuck off! If you can’t bear seeing me like this, then go! Return to your family and leave my house!” I screeched in unfathomable wrath before frustratedly grabbing strands from my head and gripping it with force.


“The hell with you, Michael! You’re saying trash to me now all because you feel forlorn and wretched! I am simply concerned about your welfare, yet here you are thinking that I am behind all of your miseries!”


“Just go, Pamela. The least thing I needed right now was someone lecturing me on what I must do with my life.”


“You can’t be like this for the rest of your life, Michael. You still have me for you to act like it’s the end of the world. I know you are in extreme pain and misery, but you still have a life ahead of you. Don’t trash yourself like this. It grieves me seeing you ruining yourself.”


“Then stop looking at me if my sight completely bothers you!”


Even without gazing at her, I am aware that she was near tears. The sound of her voice was shaky and vibrating, an indication that her emotions were getting the best of her. I sigh heavily, snatching the bottle of liquor, before standing and swiftly walking passed her. I am completely aware that she was hurting because of my spoken words, but I can’t stop myself from bursting out the remorse I felt in me.


“Michael! Where do you think you’re going? Talk to me! Let’s talk this out! Michael!”


I deafened my ears with her whines as I continued walking towards the stairs. I wished to be alone. I don’t need anyone at this moment, but my daughter. There’s no one I desire to be with now, but Michelle alone. If it won’t be her then I’d rather be alone and be with myself.


***


My patience was starting to grow thin with Michael. It had been days from the time at the courtyard that he had been out of himself. He had been drinking all day and night long for the past few days and it was starting to piss me off.


I am fully aware that he was suffering for the loss of his daughter, but what was doing now to himself was severely unacceptable. He was totally destroying his life because of what happened. He was beginning to be an eye-sore to me, which I hate.


Not even once did we fight on something before. This was the first. And I couldn’t believe that he would go to the extent of shouting at me and cursing me just because he was miserable. I am on the verge of holding on a thin thread to stay beside him and bear his pathetic anguish.


It was as if he was telling me that nothing else matters to him anymore now that Michelle was gone. It’s as if I was of no value to him now that Michelle was nowhere in sight. I wanted to slap his face to shake him off from his ridiculous self-pitying.


I desired to help him in his grieving state, but how could I do that if he himself was blocking me to aid him? How can I help him cope up and redirect his life, if he himself doesn’t need anyone to rescue him from this pithole he was submerged at?


This was all that woman’s fault. Right from the start, it was all Penelope’s fault why our lives were devastated and ruined. It was her who should be in this miserable situation now, not us. It should be her that was suffering and not Michael and me. She was the one who started the mess, she was the one who fucked up our lives, yet now she has the audacity to came out victorious and left us in this god-forsaken condition.


Penelope doesn’t deserve to be happy. She doesn’t deserve a single ounce of content and fulfillment in life. What she did to me, to Michael and to my family deserves extreme punishment that even if she pays it with her life, it would still not be enough to suffice everything.


‘I will make you pay, Penelope. I will make you pay for all the endless hurt and anguish you gave to us. I don’t care how long it will take me, I will avenge what you did to us. Mark my words, Penelope, you haven’t seen the last of me. You may be in a much more comfortable life now, but I will hunt you down until my very last breath. I will make you suffer the way you never did. I am your worst enemy, Penelope, you will regret messing up with me.’