Chapter 105

**Megan**

This is fine I don’t feel like I have no control, he’s letting me do what I want and he even said that we’d go at my pace, go with what I’m happy with and stop when I want us to stop. It just makes me think that all my fears are pointless; I know he’s never going to force me to do anything or pressure me into anything.

He starts to unzip the back of my dress.

My mental self takes a deep breath, he’s only unzipped my dress it’s not like he’s gone and ripped it off me. I just have to calm down. But now this means he’s expecting me to take this dress off. I unbuttoned his shirt though so it’s only fair that I allow him to undress some part of me.

His hand moves to my shoulder and pulls on the thick strap of my dress pulling to down a little. His body presses against mine as he moves up a little lying between my legs.

It’s not like I’ve not been topless in front of him before or even been in my underwear in front of him before. Yes maybe this time I feel some sort of expectations of where this night will lead us but I want this. I want our relationship to progress to become one of a physical, sexual nature. I can feel his weight on my body. Like it’s pinned.

There’s a voice within my head that tells me that he’s not different that given the chance he’d do the same things to me. But that’s not true I know he would never hurt me like that. That’s not his nature. The voice although it started off faint and small seems to be getting bigger and louder as I feel the pressure of his body on mine. As I feel his hands caress my body and his kisses move from my lips to my neck and collar bone.

*‘Get him off,’* it shouts ‘*he’s the same they’re all the same, if he doesn’t get to this time he’ll just cheat on us again with a woman that’s willing to pleasure him, he won’t stop even if you tell him to,’* I know the voice is wrong I know that because he’s told me and promised me. He cares about me and will stop if I tell him to. ‘He won’t,’ it shouts at me as if I’m stupid and not listening, like it’s angry with me for believing him. I want the voice to stop, I want this and I want the voice to stop.

Logan’s hand moves up my thigh as he kisses my chest. My hand is locked in his hair.

*‘You’re stupid Benjamin was right, about everything, why would Logan even want us after what he did to us, it’s obvious all he wants is this,’ the voice cries.*

Logan kisses back up my neck to my lips.

*‘See,’* the voice says. Why won’t this stop. The voice is wrong it’s just the part of me that’s scared and it’s wrong. *‘You’re wrong,’* it screams *‘you’re going to get us hurt again because you won’t listen,’*

I don’t know what has come over me but I can’t stop myself. I push Hogan off me and out of nowhere punch him in the face. I crawl back against the head board and hold my dress up. I can’t look at him and I can’t stop myself as I start to cry. My mind is going crazy why is this happening I want to move on.

He’s staring at me. I can feel him. A knock sounds. It’s the door. Logan moves away from me. I take a deep breath and hold my hand to my face. He’s angry he’s got to be. I’d be angry if someone just randomly hit me with no excuse. He’ll hit me back. My eyes widen, I need to say sorry, I need to get out of here.

“Your dessert sir,” I hear our waiter from downstairs say.

“Thank you,” Logan says. His tone doesn’t sound angry.

“Sir you’re bleeding,” the waiter says. I gulp, why can’t I move.

“Oh, yes I just slipped in the bathroom, too much wine I think,” he says with a fake chuckle. “It often makes me dizzy,” he says. “Thank you for the dessert,” Logan says trying to dismiss him.

“You’re welcome sir, if you need anything else please let us know, there is also a first aid kit in the bathroom,” the waiter say.

“Thank you,” Logan says and the door is shut. Then there’s silence. I move to the edge of the bed and move my head into my hands. I hear a pop of a cork and it makes me jump. I look behind me to see he’s not there. I hear clinking glasses and then pouring.

“Here’s some wine,” Logan says catching my attention. I don’t move but I hear him place it on the bedside table at the other side. “Would you like me to zip you’re dress up?” he asks. I can’t reply, I can’t even look at him. I just punched him and he’s acting like nothing happened. I’m sure I’m having a breakdown right now and he’s acting like I’ve done nothing wrong or acting wrong at all.

The bed weighs down and then I feel him start to zip my dress up. I don’t move I just allow him.

“There,” he says and the bed moves up and I hear a door shut. I look behind me to see the bathroom door shut. Maybe he’s hiding his anger or he’s biding his time. The door opens and he walks out. His hand comes into view. He’s holding his hand out towards me. “C’mon,” he says and I place my hand in his.

Logan leads me into the sitting room and sits on the couch. I sit at the other side so there’s a clear space between us.

“I’m going to watch TV, that is until you tell me what just happened,” he says. I look down at my lap and try to calm myself down to then think about what I’m going to say

—-

I slowly look towards Logan to see the cut on his cheek. I look down at my hands to see the costume ring I had bought earlier today from one of the clothes shops we went to. It’s a 3D cross with a pointed bed. It’s now stained with blood. Logan’s blood. I can feel myself starting to get upset, I guess this means I’m the same as Benjamin. My hand even hurts; I had always tried to fight Benjamin off me. I even punched him until my hands hurt but it was like he didn’t feel pain.

“Here,” I look to see Logan holding a napkin out to me. I take it and wipe my hand.

“Thank you,” I mumble then stay silent. I place the napkin down and take my champagne glass and gulp it down. I take a deep breath and try to calm myself. He’s right I have to explain myself. “I’m sorry,” I say quietly.

“For what?” he asks.

“Hurting you I never meant to do that, I,” I hold back a sob I don’t want to cry.

“Tell me what’s going on in that head, I want to know what you’re thinking,” he says.

“I just had this voice in my head telling my you were the same as him and I wanted it to shut up, to leave me alone but it wouldn’t stop and I don’t know I just started to get angry and I just took it out on you,” I explain and look at him to see him looking at me.

“You shouted stop when you pushed me off you,” he says.

“I don’t know if I was talking to you or the voice,” I say.

“I would stop if you ask me to,” he says.

“I know, I just can’t stop feeling his presence,” I say and he looks down

“Ok,” I feel him move closer to me and move his hand in mine. I look at him and he leans in to kiss me on the lips. His lips are soft and so is his kiss. I pull away and look at him.

“I’m really sorry,” I say quietly and skim my thumb along his cut cheek bone while I cup his face in my hand.

“It’s ok, I don’t think you intentionally meant to harm me,” he says “But I deserved it anyway after how much of a crap boyfriend I’ve been the past few weeks,” he explains. I sigh and shake my head as he moves his arm around me and pulls me close to him. “I think we can have dessert now,” he says. I nod and watch him reach for chocolate cake that had raspberry coulees and a few raspberries dotted around with icing sugar sprinkled on top. I raise an eyebrow as he places it on his lap. It’s a huge slice with a chocolate middle which I’m guessing is fudge.

“Chocolate fudge?” I ask.

“Devil’s food cake, I love this cake, it’s my favourite,” he says and uses the dessert fork provided to cut off a bite size piece from the cake. He dips a bit of it in the coulees and holds it out to me. “Try it,” he says and I take it in my mouth. “Beautiful isn’t it,” he says and I smile while testing the taste of it. “I love chocolate,” he gushes and I laugh.

“You’re such a girl,” I say and he smiles.

“I just have a sweet tooth,” he says and reaches for the other dessert and holds it out to me. It’s a lemon cheesecake. I smile and take the plate in my hands.

“I love cheesecake,” I say and cut into the cheesecake. He opens his mouth and I smile “I knew there was a catch to me having a piece of your cake,” I say and place the piece into his mouth. He takes it and smiles.

“Not as good as my cake,” he says and I laugh. He sits comfortably and looks at the TV. I move closer to him and relax next to him.