Chapter 17

**Logan**

“When was your last session?”

“Dunno, I never really kept track,”

“Was it just before you went back to England?”

“Think so,”

“Ah got it,” she said, taking out a piece of paper “Yes this is it.” She paused and started reading it “hmm yes you had worked out yourself that you had a problem with the wacky backy and other substances, alcohol and sex,” she said looking at me. I rolled my eyes and looked away from her. “You were like a rock n roll star without the fame weren’t you,” she states. “Do you have any of those problems now?”

“If I did, do you think I’d be teaching?” I ask now, looking at her.

“You haven’t answered my question,” she states.

“No,” I sigh.

“When was the last time you had sex?” she asks.

“Urm...” I tilted my head back trying to think; I raised my eyebrows a little “about six month ago,”

“You haven’t had sex for six month?” she asks a little shocked. I chuckled and shook my head while looking at her.

“No I think it’s eight month I’m not too sure,” I paused “yeah about eight month because that’s about how long I’ve been in America for,” I state “No wait I got laid the first night I came here and the second and the third actually,” I said with a small smirk.

“Was she that good you forgot or...?” she asks.

“Nah not really, she was a bit boring but I was on a three day bender and I know that sounds like the old me but it isn’t, it was Carl and Scott because they hadn’t seen me for a few years they thought they’d catch up with me,”

“So it was a different girl every night?” she asks while writing something in that notebook that I would love to burn.

“Yeah,” I said quietly. She raised her eyebrows a little as she wrote “I can’t help it, it’s the accent I’ve been told.”

She smiled “it is the accent but I’m sure I’ve told you before that it’s not just that,” she says.

“Are you coming onto me?” I ask smirking while leaning forward. “We can if you like I mean I haven’t had sex for a while but I can’t guarantee anyone will hear,” I state. She laughed and looked at me.

“You’re old enough to be my son Logan,”

“So an older woman has shown me a thing or two before, I’m sure you can,”

“Logan,” she breathed. I went to said something “and don’t said it, you are changing the subject now shush,”

“What all I was going to said was-“

“Shut up,” she said cutting in.

“Ooo dominant I like,”

“I will charge you triple for this session if you carry on,” she snapped. I chuckled and lay back while moving my hands behind my head. “Now tell me about Megan,”

“What about her?”

“Tell me how you feel about her because it looks to me you have taken a shining to her,”

“It’s bad,” I said quietly and then lay down while kicking off my trainers and rubbed my leg.

“How bad,”

“The fact she’s my student, underage, gone through hell and I’m in love with her,” I said and looked up at the ceiling.

“Love?” she asks.

“Yep,”

“Didn’t you said you’d never fall in love again?”

“Yep and it hurts me a lot that I have, I feel like I’ve let Stephanie down but what can I do, I can’t help how I feel,”

“I still don’t understand why it is bad,”

“I’m her teacher,” I said turning to look at her. She shrugged a little “so if I fell in love with Melanie you’d be ok with it, if I was living in a house on my own with Melanie and all I’m thinking about while she’s around me is having sex with her over and over again. Would you be ok with that?” I ask

“I don’t know about the sex part,” she said looking down “she is after all underage and my little girl but,”

“Exactly,” I said looking up “I touch Megan and I’ve lose my career and I would lose her,” I say.

“You didn’t let me finish, you’re in love with her and it doesn’t take a lot for you to fall in love, you’re not a fickle person Logan so I would be ok with it yes, because you have true feelings for her,” she explained.

“You’re a gentle man and you wouldn’t have sex with her if she wasn’t willing,”

“Well of course I wouldn’t I’m not that sexually frustrated,” I say.

“I mean you wouldn’t if she wasn’t ready and you have a lot of insight so even if she told you she was ready but really wasn’t you’d be able to see it and you still wouldn’t have sex with her,”

“Yeah well said it to my friend downstairs,” I said pointing to my groin. She laughed and I shot my head at her giving her a death glare.

“That is due to sexual frustration like you said and well you are attracted to her,” she states.

“That’s what I thought at first, I mean the first time I saw her properly I mean I was in class and I got turned on, like fully turned on like I couldn’t even walk,” she laughed “don’t laugh it’s not funny I was disgusted with myself,”

“What did she do for you to get so excited?”

“Nothing that’s the thing, I just saw her bum and that was it,” I said shaking my head “I’m still disgusted with myself now,” I say.

“Have you acted on these emotions?” she asks.

“She’s living with me isn’t that sort of a big act?” I ask .

“You know what I mean Logan,”

“I’ve kissed her,” I mumbled “three times I think the other times it was her,”

“What other times?” she asks.

“The first time was her, the second time was her I liked that one a lot stupid mobile phones, I blame your daughter for why we stopped kissing cause that was all her fault. The third time was me, and the fourth time was me and the fifth time was me...oh and the sixth time was me and I think another time I’m not sure” I explained.

“That’s quite a few times,”

“I know,” I mumbled “and it’s wrong but...I can’t help it, she just makes me forget about the fact she’s my student and that she’s underage,”

“It’s not like she’s 12 Logan,” I looked at her.

“I have rules 18 and over,”

“Ok when did you kiss a woman that wasn’t Megan or Stephanie?” she asks.

“Urm...Not so long ago, I think November time,” I say. She nodded a little and wrote something in that notebook of hers.

“When was the last time you and Megan kissed?”

“Last night, she got drunk and kissed me and the night before that I kissed her,” I explained.

“Have you ever gone further than a kiss?”

“No, do I want to? Well of course and will I? No,” I say.

“How do you know you won’t? What if one day you both kiss and it gets heated and you can’t help but go further?”

“I’m not a teenager, I can control myself,” I said looking at her.

“And have you controlled yourself every time you’ve kissed her?” she asks.

“No not every time because I could have had sex with her about three times,” I pause, “and anyway I’m not the only one that needs to control themselves she does as well, she tried to undress me in a street in the rain,” I huff. Now I'm getting the feeling that it seems to be me getting the blame for these moments I’ve had with her. “She’s a tease,” I say, folding my arms.

“I’m not blaming you Logan,” she said as if she was reading my mind. “If this was her sitting here I would most likely ask her the same questions,” she pauses, “and I’m not surprised that she hasn’t tried it on with you a few times,” she states. I frowned and looked at her “In many cases like hers the victim ends up with an addiction to sex, not because they like it of course but because their body is so used to being touched that their body can’t stand not being touched,”

“You’re telling me I may be living with a teenage sex addict that I’m in love with?” I ask .

She laughs “When you put it like that you make it sound bad for yourself,”

“It is,” I snap.

“I may be wrong Logan, she may not have that complex, she may seek other addictions to push out that one,” she says.

“Eh but she hates being touched, I’ve got to be careful most of the time I’m with her as I can’t walk behind her and she flinches if I touch anywhere below her shoulders,” I explain.

“Well what do you expect when she got raped practically every day for about four months? And I dread to think how long he touched her for before he finally raped her,”

“And she hates that word,” I mutter“and I’m not complaining I do expect that, just like I expect getting woken up every night she sleeps and like I expect for her to want to forget about it by drinking herself into a coma at six in the morning,”

“Hmm she may have a problem accepting what has happened, she just may want to see it all as a horrible nightmare that she’s only just woke up from,” she pauses “are you able to cope with her?”

“Yes and no,” I said quietly. “The mood swings are the worst and the sleepless nights, she won’t sleep for days when she has a nightmare or she’ll go to bed and wait till I’m asleep and I’ll wake up from hearing a thud to see it’s just her falling over her own feet,”

“What about depression? It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to work out that she will have depression,”

“Stroke all that, the depressions the worst as I can’t do anything because I can’t watch her 24/7” I sigh and moved my arm over my eyes “it actually makes me depressed, she told me last night that she doesn’t want to be here and that she wishes she was dead,” I said quietly.

“And that’s affected you?”

“Of course it has, I don’t know what to do. I feel helpless just like I did with Stephanie and it hurts,”

“Have you told her how you feel?” she asks. I look at her “Have you told her that you love her?”

“Yeah but it was when her dad shot me so I doubt she remembers as she was nearly gone anyway and she said she doesn’t remember much,”