Chapter 200

**Megan**

Logan pulls my chair out for me as we make our way to the table. He had decided that we should go out for dinner as Lorraine looked too emotional to cook. That resulted in Lorraine smacking the back of his head for mocking her. He’d picked the restaurant we went to a couple of weeks ago. 

We ended up getting the same private room we got last time. It looks out onto the ocean, which is really lovely when the sun starts to set. 

“Can I get you any drinks?” the waiter asks us. 

“Lemonade for me please,” I say. 

“Me too,” Lorraine says. David and Logan also order the same. The waiter hands us our menus to then walk off to get our drinks. Logan seems to make his decision pretty quickly. I look at him and then back down to my menu. 

When the doctor weighed me and found I’d lost weight rather than put any on. She told me I had to start eating more frequently, try having six small meals a day as it would be easier on my stomach. I explained it was difficult to put food in my mouth as I just wanted to throw up every time I smell food. She ended up prescribing me some anti-sickness medication and told me to take them if I need to. 

“What are you getting?” I ask Logan. 

“Steak,” I screw my face up at that. That seems too much for me. “And chips with a side of onion rings and I might get some calamari for my starter; I might also get an extra portion of chips. The garlic mushrooms sound nice also,” he adds. 

“How can you eat so much?” I ask while shaking my head, and looking back at my menu.

“I just can, what are you getting?” he asks and looks over my menu with me. 

“The smoked salmon salad sounds nice,” 

“You can’t have it,” Lorraine says. I frown and look over my menu at her. 

“Why not?” I ask. 

“Because it’s technically raw fish, you can’t have raw fish while pregnant,” 

“Oh,”

“Plus it’s made with cream cheese. You can’t have that either,” 

“Oh, ok, I didn’t know,” I say and look back at my menu.

“The chicken risotto maybe,” I mutter.

“It has nuts,” Lorraine informs. I sigh and look at Logan. 

“I had that last time I was here,” I whisper a little worried. 

“You didn’t know you were pregnant then,” Logan says to me. 

“I know, I just, I don’t know, you choose for me,” I say while giving him the menu. “I need the toilet,” I say and stand up. 

Walking into the toilets, I walk straight into the nearest cubicle and take my phone out. What am I doing? I can’t have a baby. I don’t know the first thing about babies or pregnancy. If Lorraine weren’t here, I would have ordered the smoked salmon salad or done something worse, then what? I’ll miscarry because I’m stupid. I feel myself start to cry as I look through my contacts to Sara’s number. I touch the call tab and wait for her to answer. 

“Hello,” 

“Sara, what am I doing?” I ask. 

“What’s wrong, Megan?” 

“I’m here in a restaurant having a meltdown over this stupid pregnancy, I can’t have a baby, I know nothing about them. I just nearly ordered raw fish for dinner, I can’t do this, I’m 18 for crying out loud,” I cry. 

“Ok,” she says and then she’s silent. I realise she’s waiting for me to stop crying. “Are you ok?” she asks once my crying starts to reduce to just a few sniffles. 

“Yeah,” 

“Megan, no matter what age you are, your first pregnancy is always going to be unknown territory. No one is ever prepared or knowledgable their first time around,” 

“Did you know I can’t eat smoked Salmon because I didn’t, or nuts or cream cheese?” I ask. 

“No, I only knew about nuts,” she says. 

“I didn’t, and I don’t even know why,” I cry. “What else can’t I eat or do?” I ask. 

“You can’t go on rollercoasters,” she says, and I smile a little. “That’s the extent of my knowledge,” 

“Oh,” is all I say. 

“See, no one knows everything, it’s a learning experience,” 

“I just don’t feel like I can do this, what happens when it’s here? I won’t know what to do; I don’t know what to do now.”

“You’re just in a panic. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed,” she states.

“Logan isn’t. He seems fine with everything,” 

“He’ll have a little panic like this at some point, I think for men it happens when you’re giving birth, from what I saw with my brother,” she explains. “Listen, this is all new, you can do some research and still not know everything there is to know,” 

“I just don’t feel like this is the best thing to be doing, I feel like I’m making a mistake, that I’m going to fail, whether it be during the pregnancy or after it. I feel like I’m setting myself up for failure,” I say and start to cry again. I then hear the door to the toilet door open. “I have to go,” 

“Ok, but we can talk about this tomorrow at the session,” she says. 

“Ok,” I say and end the call. I try my best to calm my emotions and then walk out to see Lorraine. I give her a small smile and walk to the sink to wash my hands. 

“Are you ok? My dear,” she asks. 

“Yeah,” I say, and I know I’m not convincing. I rinse my face with some cold water to try and cool my face down.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, just needed a minute,” I say and dry my face with the paper towels. 

“Ok, if you’re sure,” she says worryingly. I just smile at her and watch her walk into one of the cubicles. 

Walking back out, I make my way to our table and sit down. Logan moves his arm around my shoulders and pulls me closer. I glance at David to see he’s still looking at the menu. 

“I got you the asparagus risotto, it had the option to add bacon, so I got that. Is that ok?” Logan asks. 

“Yeah,” 

“Told you she likes Asparagus,” David says. I look at him then at Logan, “Not as smart as you think,” he mutters under his breath. Logan rolls his eyes in response and I smile a little. 

\---

Logan wraps his arms around me as we settle down for the night. After dinner, we came home and watched a movie. All night he’s been asking me if I’m ok, I’d tell him but how do I explain to him I don’t think I’m good enough to have this baby. 

I turn in his arms and rest my head on his chest. He traces circles with his fingers over my shoulder and arm. 

“I know you’re not ok,” he says. I open my mouth to say something but then close it. “I’m here when you want to tell me, that is if you want to,” he adds. I sigh and feel myself start to cry. His hand stops, and he holds me with both. 

“I’m sorry,” I cry. 

“You have nothing to apologise for,” he states, “I think I have an idea of what has you upset, just know I’m scared too, but I know we’ll be great at this together,” he says. I smile a little. “I saw your face when Lorraine pointed out what you can’t have, I didn’t know about cream cheese, we both just have to do our research,” he says. 

“How are you so amazing?” I ask and look him in the eyes. “You know what is bothering me without me saying it out loud to you,” 

“I’m just observant, it’s easier to pick up on things when I’m sober,” he says, and I know that’s a dig at himself for not recognising my symptoms earlier. “Plus the same things are bothering me, I’ve never faced something I don’t know much about,” he adds. That makes me feel a little better. I sit up and reach for my phone to then lay back in his arms. “What are you doing?”

“I’m gonna check if there’s anything else I can’t have and why,” I say as I open up the internet on my phone. 

“Most of the stuff you probably don’t eat, but will want now that you can’t,” 

“Probably,” I say as I type into google my question. It helps to know we’re both on the same page and have the same amount of knowledge. 

I sigh as I look at all the information. Why is there so much? It’s not even all proven. Some articles contradict others. One report said I couldn’t have caffeine at all, and another said I could have a low level of caffeine.

The whole fish debate is confusing; I can’t have shellfish or fish with high mercury content or raw fish. I can have cooked salmon but not smoked salmon, but you can get smoked, cooked salmon, so I’m confused. 

One said I needed to eat more fruit, but then one said I had to be careful with my sugar intake as I could get pregnancy-related diabetes, so try not to have fruits with high sugar content. Oh, and my teeth might fall out. 

“So at some point, I’m going to be a toothless, oily, pale-skinned, fat ankled, pregnant woman who can’t control her sugar levels, just great,” I say defeated and laying back on the bed. 

“Your boobs will get bigger,” Logan says, and I glare at him. He chuckles and takes my phone from my hands. “The chances of you losing your teeth are slim, and it doesn’t happen with every woman, and well what makes you think you’ll get all of this,” 

“I’m going to be a monster, a toothless one,” I say, and he laughs again. 

“That’s not so bad, toothless monsters can’t do much damage,” he states, and I know he’s trying to make me see the funny side. “This doesn’t happen for every woman,” he says more seriously. 

“I know but knowing my luck I’ll get all of the bad side effects,” 

“Be more positive, I could love a toothless monster,” he says, this time I hit him with one of the pillows. 

“Do you not think we’re making a mistake?” I ask and feel myself get upset. “I just, I don’t even like babies,” I say and feel myself cry.

Either it’s my hormones that are making me so teary, or it is the situation. I move my arm over my eyes because I don’t want to see him angry at my thoughts. I feel his hand move into my other hand. 

“No, because I know that you’re amazing and can do this, and I know I love you, there’s nothing with you that can be a mistake,” he says. I take my arm from my eyes to look at him. 

“What if I don’t like or love it?” I ask quietly. 

“You will, you already do. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be having this conversation, you wouldn’t have been so on edge in the doctors’ office,” he tells me. “You may not like it when it’s a teenager though,” he says with a smirk. “I don’t think any parents like their child when they're teenagers,” I smile a little and wipe my tears from my eyes. Leaning forward, Logan kisses me on the lips. I wrap my arms around his neck to pull him on top of me. 

“I love you too,” I say against his lips.