Chapter 193
**Megan**
Lorraine hands me a box of crackers and places a cup of mint tea on the coffee table in front of me. I’ve just finished throwing up my guts, and I couldn’t stomach going into the kitchen. She strokes my hair from my face and sits down next to me.
After last night, I’d stayed up as long as I could with Logan. I must have fallen asleep because I woke up in his bed on my own.
“Eat the crackers they’ll most likely stay down,”
“The idea of food makes me want to throw up,” I pause and sit up, “Wait is that why you gave me mint tea yesterday morning,”
“Guilty,”
“You said it would wake me up,”
“It did, didn’t it? Plus it’s good for bloating,” she says, and I chuckle as I open the box of saltines.
“Should it be like this? I feel like I can’t eat anything,”
“Depends, my first I didn’t have many symptoms, but my second, jeez I thought I was dying. But it passed, this will pass too,” she takes a cracker from my packet and looks at the TV.
“How's Logan doing?”
“Going by the quietness, I would say he’s still sleeping,” she then looks at me. “Are you going to school today?”
“I only have one exam so I figured I’d just go for that,”
“You’ve been doing most of your exams; I thought you were going to do makeup classes in the summer?”
“Well, I thought I’d try and do as many as I can, then I can focus on other things, I want to graduate and go to prom,” I say to her.
“Oh, we can go dress shopping if you want,” she excitedly says. I smile and bite into a cracker.
“We can go look before my exam we can window shop today and buy it tomorrow,” I state. It’ll be a good distraction from worrying about Logan, plus I have a session today so it will be nice to do something a bit girly.
\---
Shopping with Lorraine was honestly exhausting, she dragged me everywhere, I thought we’d just hit a few dress shops just before school but no. We ended up setting off about an hour after our little chat on the sofa. Once we were in the car, she pulled out her phone and showed me a list of shops we’re going to.
My exam went pretty good. It turns out I retained more of Math than I thought, which is surprising as Math has never been a strong subject of mine. I’m not sure if that’s to do with the teacher as I do not like him. I’m better at science, though.
Sara looks like she’s been crying. She’s looked like that for the past couple of days. She’s not even tried to hide her upset. Usually, she’s dressed in summer dresses with her makeup and hair looking fabulous. Not so much the past few days, her eyes are all red, and she is just wearing grey tracksuit bottoms and a white vest top. Her hair is just thrown into a bun, and there’s not a stitch of makeup on her.
“How are things?” she asks.
“You haven’t pressed record,” I point out. She looks down at the iPad and then looks back at me.
“Let’s go old school,” she says with a small smile.
“Urm, ok,” I say frowning, “are you ok?” I ask her.
“Yeah, so anything new with you?”
“I told Logan,”
“What?”
“Well I didn’t tell him, as you know I’ve been trying to, but he’s just been so snappy, well it turns out he’s relapsed,”
“Oh wow,” she says, shocked and writes a few things down.
“Yeah,”
“Did he say when it started or why?”
“In England, he relapsed, but I thought it was a one-off, but it wasn’t, he never said why,”
“Do you think it was to do with your break up?”
“Are you asking me if I think it’s my fault?”
“No, I’m asking if the break up you had in England was the catalyst?”
“Yeah, we both didn’t handle that well,” I pause and fiddle with the hem of my dress. “It probably is my fault,”
“Why do you say that?”
“I broke up with him this time, and it probably made him worse,”
“Do you know what he is taking?” I shake my head, “addicts don’t need a reason to get their fix,”
“I know that I just think he wouldn’t have relapsed if I hadn’t have broken up with him,”
“It started in England you broke up with him after you visited England, logically it is impossible to be your fault,”
“I know, but I probably made him worse,”
“You can’t put this blame on yourself; he’s an adult, he makes his own choices. I’m sure he doesn’t blame you,”
“I’m not sure, after finding out I’m pregnant he agreed to go cold turkey,”
“Afterwards? So he wouldn’t before knowing that?”
“No, he said that he doesn’t think he needs help, he had this wild paranoia about Carl and me, Lorraine ended up telling him that I’m pregnant,” I explain. She sighs and shakes her head before looking at me. She looks annoyed.
“He’s selfish,” she angrily says.
“What do you mean?”
“He should have wanted to get help because of himself not because he’s gaining a child,”
“I don’t understand,”
“Addicts do this when they think they’re gaining something that will benefit them, he might not see it like that right now, but that is what he’s doing. If he’s not doing this for himself, he will relapse” she informs me.
“He’s not. He said if he goes to rehab, he’d find it easy to get drugs but here he can’t, he’s locked himself in a room for three days, to wait for the withdrawal process to pass. I owe it to him to give him that chance. If he relapses again, then I’ll have to leave him. I have other things to think about other than myself, now,”
“That’s very grown-up of you,”
“Well he’s been there for me through all of my shit, he was with me at my worst, it’s only right I do the same for him,”
“Drug addiction is different from you being depressed. Your depression isn’t something you can control. You don’t wake up and choose to be depressed. He chose to take drugs knowing he is in recovery,”
“I know, and that’s why I don’t think I’d be able to forgive him if he did it again, I think I could be by his side but not be with him, not until he works on himself,” I explain.
“I get that,” she says. “How else did he react when he found out,”
“He asked me if it was his,” she pulls a face, I chuckle, “then we talked, I told him why I didn’t tell him, and then we discussed his recovery, and then we just talked about the possibilities,” I explain. “I think hearing that I’m pregnant made his mind focus, he’s got the IQ of a genius, he told me that when he takes drugs, it settles his mind more. That sometimes it gets too much for him, that he has all of these thoughts that run through his head, and it gets difficult for him to relax. He thinks that when he changes his job, it will hopefully stimulate his mind more. Teaching is easy for him, too easy,”
“Maybe he should try going into something more challenging then,”
“Well, he’s gonna take over his father company, so depending on what he does,”
“Yeah, depends if he decides to go all crazy inventor,” she says with a chuckle.
“He likes space, so maybe,” I say and smile.
\---
“Can I take Logan his dinner?” I ask Lorraine. She looks at David. I’ve only just got back from my session. Carl was the one that picked me up. When I asked him how Logan was doing, he just shook his head and turned the radio on. They haven’t told me much, whenever I ask they change the subject. I ended up taking Max for a walk because it frustrated me so much.
“He’s not looking great,” David finally tells me.
“I figured when no one would tell me anything,”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to see him like this,” David says. I sigh and stroke Max who hasn’t left my side since we came back from his walk.
“Ok, what’s for dinner,”
“I’ve made a chicken salad, I thought something light for you, see if you can keep it down,” she says. I smile and turn my attention back to Max. I get that they’re trying to protect me, but I just want to see him and make sure he’s ok.
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