Chapter 149

**Megan**

My therapist watches me as I pace up and down. I’d asked for an appointment for today. After last night I needed it. She agreed even though I’m having a session tomorrow. I explained briefly to her over the phone what had happened.

Logan and Brett are both sat in the reception waiting for me.

Sarah taps her pen on her notebook and waits patiently. She hasn’t said anything to me. She just asked me how I felt about everything. 

“Megan, you’re spiralling,” she states, and I look up from the floor to her. 

“Of course I fucking am,” I snap and then sigh “sorry, I don’t mean to take it out on you,” I say, and continue my pacing. “I’m so angry,” 

“At who?”

“Jonathon, my mom, Brett,” I list. 

“Brett is outside?” she asks. I nod. “Does he know you’re angry with him?” I shake my head and rub my temples. “What are you angry at him for?” 

“Everything, for hitting Logan, for telling me now, for…” I trail off and sit on the couch and start to cry. 

“For what Megan?” she asks. I shake my head and look away from her, ”you need to tell him why you’re angry at him,” she says. I shake my head and bring my legs up so my knees are at my chest and I can’t seem to get myself to stop crying. He could have stopped all this from happening. He could have prevented it. He could have gotten me out of there. He knew what he was exactly like. I’m just angry. 

“Do you want me to give you a minute?” I nod. “Do you want me to talk to him?” she asks, and I nod. I watch her walk out of the room. 

He abandoned me to that monster and my mother, I know there's no point in being angry at a dead person, but she could have told me when I was at the hospital, and I got to say goodbye to her. She didn't; she abandoned me too. 

“Megan?” I hear Brett say. I look at him, and I can feel the anger in me. Logan walks in after him and the look on his face it’s like he knows what I’m thinking. 

“Why don’t you take a seat, Brett,” Sarah says as she sits in her chair. Brett sits next to me, and I stand and go behind the couch. “Tell him how you're feeling Megan,” I shake my head and lean against the window. 

“She’s angry at you,” Logan states. I look at him, and he looks at me.

“Logan let Megan tell him,” Sarah says, causing Logan to smile and lean against the door. I feel him watch me as I start pacing again. “Megan,” she urges. 

How do I tell him all of what I’m thinking, that I feel abandoned right now? The voice in my head tells me I’m correct, I am abandoned. That people will always be alone. That sooner or later, Logan will leave me too. They left me with that monster, they allowed all of this to happen. 

‘Purposefully, I’m not wanted, they don’t want me, they wanted him to kill me,” 

Why does this always happen? These negative thoughts are constant, I try my best to stop them but they’re so loud. The only thing that silences them is when I’m with Logan or when I self-harm.

I look up towards Logan to see him still watching me. I quickly look away as I know he’ll know what I’m thinking. He knew the night I had that terrible nightmare and right now I can’t do anything and it’s making everything worse. I suddenly feel trapped like I can’t breathe. 

I’m having a panic attack, I can feel my heart in my chest and I want to vomit. My vision becomes slightly blotchy. I squeeze my eyes shut as I try to centre myself but all that does is make my thoughts louder. 

Then I feel an arm around my waist and lips pressed to my own. I know instantly it’s Logan. 

“Calm down,” he says against my lips and then pulls away “Come back to me,” I nod in response and open my eyes to look at him. “Take a few deep breaths,” he says as he wipes the tears from my cheek. I nod and do as he says. I concentrate on my breathing now that the thoughts have faded into the background and I can no longer hear them. 

“Do you have to do that in front of me?” I hear Brett say. 

“Well it’s either this or she slits her wrists, pick one?” Logan snaps. I close my eyes as I hug him. Brett is silent as I try to ground myself. I feel so drained. 

Logan walks me to the couch and sits down pulling me in next to him so he’s now sat between Brett and me. 

“Shall we try again?” Sarah asks me. I look at her and then at Logan’s hand in mine. I don’t want to, I want to go home and sleep. “What were you thinking?” she asks. My vision blurs as tears well in my eyes. I can’t say it. Saying it makes it true. There’s no going back once you’ve said things out loud. “Ok let’s try something different, is there anything you want to ask Brett?” she says. 

I look at Brett to see he’s looking at Sarah. Sarah looks at him which causes him to look away from her. 

“Yeah,” I say quietly. He looks at me with such guilt in his eyes I’m not sure I can ask it. 

“Ask him,” Sarah says. Logan nudges me a little.

“Why…” my mouth feels like it has cotton in it. I squeeze Logan's hand and then take a deep breath. “Why did you leave me with him? Why didn’t you take me? Why did you just leave? You just left with no word. You left me with that monster when you knew what he was like and capable of. You abandoned me,” I rushed out. 

“No, I didn’t abandon you,” he says moving closer to me. “I couldn’t deal with her dying, that’s the crux of it, I was a coward, I left because it was the only thing I could think of doing, I never once thought he’d hurt you, he adored you, I thought he’d continued acting like he knew nothing because that’s what he did at her funeral,” he explains and gets up to kneel in front of me. “I’m so sorry, if I had known, I would never have left, or I would have been on the first flight out,” he says taking my hands in his. Logan lets go and move a little to give us more space. 

“I don’t even know what to call you,” I say quietly. 

“Anything you want, you just need to know, that you’re my daughter and I will protect you from anything and I’m here for you for whenever you need me to be,” 

“Until you get another assignment,” I mutter. 

“No, I’m on leave, I told them they either give me an office job or I quit,” he states, and I look at him. 

“You love your job,” I say. 

“Not as much as you, I would have been back sooner but I had to finish my mission, being so close and everything, but I’m all yours now,” he states. I nod and give his hand a small squeeze.

“What set off the panic attack?” Sarah asks. Logan moves away from me so that Brett, my father can sit next to me. It's strange to think of him as my father. I shrug and look down.  

“I just got into my head,” I say, “Jonathon has taken so much from me, what’s to say he doesn’t take the people I have now?” I ask 

“He’s hardly a trained assassin,” she states, and looks at Logan and Brett. “He’s quite powerless right now Megan, you’re the one giving him this power over you,” she says. 

I sigh and pick at my nails a little as I know she’s right. There's a difference between knowing all of this and knowing it and accepting it. 

“Ok let us talk about something else,” she points to Logan and Brett, “I’m confused about how this happened, how do you know about these two?” she asks him. That’s one part I left out, I only came in and told her about Brett being my father. 

“He walked in on Logan and me,” I say quietly. 

“Oh,” she says, and her eyes widen a little as she writes something down. “Wait I thought you two weren’t sleeping together,” she states. 

“I broke him,” I say with a small smile and Brett glares at me. 

“What is that supposed to mean?” Brett asks. I smile and look across him at Logan. Sarah looks at Logan. 

“What does she mean Logan?” Sarah asks. 

“I don’t think this is a conversation her father needs to hear,” Logan says, and it feels weird hearing those words. I turn to Brett. 

“Seen as though you asked, Logan and I first slept together in England, he told me we weren’t going to sleep together in America until he’d stopped working as a teacher but I wasn’t happy with that and three weeks later we fucked in the gym,” I state. His jaw drops open and Logan shakes his head.

“That’s one way to put it,” he says, and looks at me, “My nose is already broken,” Logan snaps at me. I laugh and look at Sarah.

“You never said you two were back having sex,” 

“I didn’t think it was a big deal,” 

“The gym?” Brett asks “Where in the gym? No don’t tell me,” he says looking away from me. “I don’t want to know,” 

“You use protection? Correct?” Sarah asks. 

“I’m on birth control,” I say, and she nods. 

“So you were having sex when Brett walked in, that’s why you have the broken nose,” she says pointing to Logan. Logan nods and I see a small smile forms on her lips as if she finds it funny but is trying her hardest not to show it. 

“I would have broken his nose if they weren’t having sex,” Brett says, and I smile to myself. 

“You must have known seeing you be violent like that would affect Megan,” Sarah states to Brett. He looks down as guilt flashes across his face “You didn’t fight back Logan?” Logan shakes his head. “And you’re ok with their relationship?” she asks Brett.

“I spoke to them both individually and well Megan is 18, she’s mature enough to make her own decisions and after seeing how they interact with each other I can tell there’s nothing sinister going on, but if he hurts her I’ll break his legs,” he threatens. 

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