Chapter 198
**Megan**
“How is Logan?” Sara asks. She looks more presentable today. For one she is wearing a summer dress today. Her hair still looks like she can’t be bothered and she hasn’t got a stitch of make-up on, not that she needs it.
I got to my session a little late because of Logan. I couldn’t even hide why I was late. We got here early, but then we got distracted with each other. When I did look at the clock, we were five minutes late.
“Ok,”
“Just ok?” she asks.
“He’s a little quiet, but I’m not sure what to expect,”
“Very true, how are things between you two?”
“Ok, I just think to myself to take one day at a time. That’s all I can do anyway with the pregnancy so I may as well do it with Logan. I can see how guilty he is, but I’m trying to show him that it’s ok, that I forgive him,” I explain.
“Where is he now?” she asks.
“In the car, waiting for me,”
“Have you spoken to him about using restraints during sex?” she asks.
My first session after my last hospital stay, I told her about the fact we had sex, and I experimented a little. Sara said to me that it was good. I then told her about my feelings afterwards and then the whole Jonathon thing.
“You enjoy it,” she says.
“I do,”
“But you’re not sure if you should,”
“Well, I’m not sure, Logan is right when he says it’s because I trust him, but then a small part of me think about what makes me enjoy it,”
“Do you know?” she asks, I shake my head in response. “Sometimes there isn’t a reason,”
“I know,”
“You want there to be a reason?”
“Yes, it helps me to analyse everything better,”
“You don’t need to analyse it; you like being tied up in bed it’s not something that needs to be analysed, many people like it,”
“He said he likes other things,”
“Like what?” I feel myself blush at the thought of the answer to that. “Are the things you think you might like?” I shrug in response, and she chuckles. “You’ve gone all shy, you can turn up to my session with dishevelled clothes, but you can’t tell me what he wants to try with you?” she asks.
“It’s embarrassing,”
“Why? Because you might like it yourself?” she asks, and I look at her.
“What if I’m not good at it?”
“Well that depends on what it is, but if you’re the submissive he’s going to be telling you what to do more than anything,” she pauses and frowns. “But you enjoy being on top, so you may switch roles if that’s what you would want to do,”
“But wouldn’t that make me like Jonathon?”
“Is Logan like Jonathon?”
“No,” I say, frowning.
“So what makes you think you’re like him if you handcuff Logan to the bed?” she asks. I shrug again and look down at my fingers. She’s doing that thing where she makes me think of my answer to then have some sort of epiphany.
“He told me he wants to try spanking, and if I enjoyed that then also paddling, whatever that is,”
“It’s the same as spanking but with a paddle rather than his hand,”
“That would hurt then?” I ask.
“Possibly, depends on how far he goes or if he’s experienced and knows your pain threshold,” I nod, showing I understand. “Have you not spoken to him about this since he mentioned it?” I shake my head in response. “Why?”
“Ok,” I say and get comfy. “I kind of think to myself that I should get to try it on him too. Is that fair?” I ask.
“You want to paddle Logan?” she asks with a small smile.
“You’re laughing at me,” I say defeated.
“No I just imagined it, it’d be entertaining to see because he’s quite a large man,”
“Well I don’t, I just want to experience it. I’ve found that I do like having control, sometimes, so it makes me wonder if I’d enjoy that. When he first mentioned about restraining me, I kind of told him I wanted to do that to him,”
“Do you?”
“I think so. I just keep thinking it’s not right,”
“Bondage is consensual, for it to be enjoyable, it’s only wrong when you become uncomfortable, or it’s forced upon you. Tell me, would you allow Brendon to blindfold and restrain you?” she asks. I think about that for a minute.
“No,”
“Or Tyler?”
“No,” I didn’t even have to think about that.
“Why do you think that is?”
“I guess because they're not Logan, I trust Logan. I know that he’s not doing it for just himself but for me too. He also makes sure I’m comfortable throughout. He’s patient with me. I know Brendon probably would be, but with Logan it’s different. I guess it’s kind of like what Brett said to me before he left,”
“What did he say?”
“I told him I didn’t feel right getting an abortion, that I didn’t see it the same as I did with the first time I was pregnant. I was very clinical the first time and just knew I had to go down that route. It was easy to make my mind up. He said it was because I love Logan. Which means I love this baby, that’s why the thought of harming it felt wrong,”
“He’s right, how do you feel about Brett leaving?”
“You’d think it would bother me, but I know he’ll be back, he wouldn’t have gone if he had a choice, we’ll talk when he gets back,” I explain.
“How long do you think he’ll be gone?”
“He told me they said a year, but he thinks it will be three, so I’m gonna say two and a bit, but it depends on the type of assignment it is,” I explain.
“But you’re ok?”
“Yeah, I know he’ll be back, he’s tough to kill, he’s told me that himself,” I say with a small smile. She gives me a small smile.
“That’s good. I thought you would feel abandoned,”
“So did I, I think knowing Jonathon is in prison without bail and I have Logan helps,” I say and look down at my hands. There’s still some faint scarring from the broken piece of a mirror, but they’re healing.
“Have you slept in that room since?” she asks.
“Yeah, I wanted to be close to Logan when he was detoxing, he was in the room next door,”
“Even when he doesn’t mean to, he helps you get over your fears,” she thoughtfully says.
“I guess,” I say. I’d never really thought about getting over fears.
When I’ve gotten over fear it’s not like I stop and think to myself ‘I need to get over this,’ I just do it and realise afterwards. Logan is a big help with my fears; I know he is.
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