Chapter 170: Stay broken
~ Ava's POV ~
I sat by that window for hours. The sun had fallen behind the hills, leaving everything dark and cold. All that remained was the memory of light on stone, like a ghost of warmth. It reminded me of everything going on in my life, here one moment, gone the next.
My legs had gone numb, but I didn't move. Moving meant thinking. Thinking meant remembering. And remembering hurts.
A soft knock broke the quiet. I stayed silent, hoping whoever it was would leave.
But the door opened anyway.
Slow, careful footsteps crossed the stone floor.
"Alexis," I whispered.
She walked to my side. When she spoke, her voice was steady but angry, not at me, for me.
"I heard them. The kitchen maids."
My stomach dropped. I'd hoped my shame could remain mine alone. But nothing stayed secret here.
"Then you know what they think of me."
"I know what they said. That doesn't make it true."
I looked at her. Her blue eyes flashed with anger like she wanted to march back and give those women hell.
"It felt true."
"That's because you're hurting. When we hurt, we believe the worst things people say about us."
I turned back to the window, the glass cold against my forehead. "What would you have me do? I tried being that person once. It didn't work."
"You could have reminded them who you are!" Alexis burst out. "You're Ava, princess of Mesodomica. You've bled for these people, fought for them, protected them. And you just stood there?"
I closed my eyes. The tiredness felt crushing. "Maybe I am nothing now. Maybe I'm just a reminder of everything that went wrong."
"You don't believe that."
"I do," I said, the words cutting. "I really do."
Alexis sat on the floor beside my chair. "Tell me. Help me understand."
I looked down at her worried face. The words came slowly.
"He loved me, before all this. I thought if I loved Raphael enough, that love would heal everything. Quiet the angry voices. Quiet his demons. Demonsaughed bitterly. "I was so stupid."
"You were hopeful."
"Hope blinded me. I wasn't ready to be queen. Everyone knew except me. The council members were right. They shook their heads when Lorraine introduced me as the next queen. Servants whispered I was too young and inexperienced. But I thought I could win them over if I worked hard enough." I stood, legs shaky. "Now I'm tired."
I paced, searching for words buried deep. That constant feeling of not being good enough that I'd felt, from the Blackstone pack until now. All I'd wanted was revenge, but even that was paused as I tried proving myself to people who didn't know me or wanted me.
"You know what the worst part is?" I stopped and looked at her.
She shook her head.
"I hate her. My past self. Princess Norelle, that foolish girl who thought the world would bend around love. The one they compare me with."
My voice shook. "She was so sure her love was special. She thought she could love a man into being better, love a hateful kingdom whole, and not love herself worthy."
Tears fell, but I didn't wipe them. "She burned for him, I felt her love for him. Destroyed herself. She gave up everything: her name, family approval, and her people's respect, thinking her love would keep everyone warm. But fires don't warm, Alexis. They consume. They burn everything to ash."
I collapsed back into the chair. "Those women were right. I do cry at night. I cry for the girl who believed love could save the world. For the kingdom she failed. For people, she let down. Because I don't know how to fix it."
Silence filled the room except for my breathing and tears hitting stones. I waited for Alexis to leave, to see I was too broken to be saved.
But she didn't move.
Instead, she took my hand in both of hers, warm, strong, steady.
"You're not that girl. You are You. Not Norelle."
"No. But I'm still paying for her mistakes."
"You're also carrying her strength. The courage to love him when everyone wanted you to hate him. The strength to stay when everyone wishes you'd leave. The heart that still cares after they hurt you."
I looked at her through tears. "Don't try to make me feel better. I don't deserve it."
"I'm trying to make you see the truth. You're stronger than you know."
I wiped my face. "They said I cry at night."
"Crying takes courage. Pretending nothing hurts is what breaks a person. Those women never carried the weight of responsibilities on your shoulders. They don't understand what tears mean. And people tend to destroy what they don't understand.”
Her words touched something deep inside me.
"I'm so tired, Alexis. Tired of being hated everywhere. Tired of being blamed. Tired of trying to be perfect when I don't know what that looks like. Tired of missing him and hating him and loving him at the same time."
"I know."
"I want to be better. I want to be the Queen these people deserve. Strong enough to face them without flinching. I want to stop caring what they think. But I don't know how to start."
Alexis moved to sit on my chair's arm, putting her arm around my shoulders. I leaned into her warmth.
"Maybe you don't have to fix everything at once. Maybe you start small. Start by forgiving your past self."
"For what?"
"For trusting him. For believing love could save everything."
I closed my eyes. Forgiveness felt foreign after so much hatred. Hatred at Landon, My foster parents, Helena and Annabelle.
I don't think I can ever practice forgiveness, much less at my past self, that has caused so much harm and ache.
"What if I can't? What if I'm too broken?"
"Then you stay broken for a while," she said simply. "And let people who love you help carry the pieces until you're ready to put them back together.”
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