Chapter Ten
What the hell? There is no way I am getting a decent sleep or a moment of peace tonight and I probably deserve it. I now realize what was weird about Cullen’s voice when he came into the room; it was filled with anger and disappointment. I know how Cullen feels about me and Cyrus and it makes me feel guiltier than I already am. I have nothing left to say to defend myself
“I shouldn’t have let it happen, it’s all my fault” he says. And now Cullen is blaming himself I am going straight to hell
“No! Cullen it’s not your fault. I believe I am to blame for half of it, please just don’t blame yourself anymore”
“I sneaked you out, got you drunk and fired at. Then I brought you here and put you in this room with the promise that you were safe……..how could I be so stupid! I should have known” he says this with so much anger and pain; I know it’s real and it must be eating at him inside.
“Cullen I am so sorry. I was high and confused and nervous, I regret what happen but I don’t want you to blame yourself for it. I can’t imagine the damage I have caused tonight and if I have to hurt you too it will be the last straw for me”
I feel tears in my eyes and try to hold them back as we remain silent for a few minutes before Cullen says
“Your right. You were drunk and high on the adrenaline of a near death experience; I should not have taken advantage of you”
“No it’s…….wait what?” did he just say ‘taken advantage of me?’ what does it even mean?
“I took advantage of you in your moment of weakness and vulnerability and I am really sorry. I know nothing will ever bring back what you lost today but I hope I can make things right” the more Cullen’s keeps talking; I keep losing what he is trying to say to me. I have a really bad feeling about what he is trying to tell me and I wish I wouldn’t know what he has to say but on the other side I just want him to get it over with
“Why don’t you stop talking in circles and tell me what the hell is going on?” I find myself asking with getting away from his hold and sitting on the bed. Please don’t be what I think it is
“You were drunk high on adrenaline and fear and you needed something to distract you. You were screaming in your sleep I tried to wake you but you kept hitting me so, I kissed you and responded towards me. You kept calling me Cyrus the whole time, so I knew you thought you were making love to him the whole night. I am sorry but I have always loved you Bella, and when I had you in my arms so willing I just couldn’t help myself”
Wait, wait, wait! I need time to process this. What? No! no! NO!
“What do you mean? What are you saying?”
“I am sorry Bella and I know you can never forgive me…….”
“Stop! Just stop. Are you saying that I slept with you?”
“Yes. I……” but I interrupt him again
“I had sex with you? Gave you my virginity and my first kiss?”
“Yes” Noooooooooo!
“I think I am going to throw up” I say running to the bathroom.
When I come back into the bedroom I am still in denial. I know what happen here. Cyrus was in this bedroom with me and he was the one I slept with, I was drunk but not out of my mind. There is just no way
“No!” I tell Cullen standing beside the bed in front of him
“What do you mean no?”
“I mean, I did not sleep with you. Cyrus was in this room and in this bedroom with me. I know what he smells like, I know what he feels like and I know what his voice sounds like. I know the difference between you and Cyrus, you can’t lie to me” I don’t know why I am shouting and I don’t realize I am until I finish my sentence and start breathing heavily
Cullen makes me madder by pulling me towards the bed telling me to relax the whole time then going to get me some water. I am so mad, I have never been so angry in my life and I don’t even know if I am supposed to be mad at Cullen for lying to me or mad at myself because what Cullen said is true and I am the biggest fool alive.
After I reluctantly take the bottle of water from him and have some he starts talking looking at me with pity and sadness.
“I came back and had a shower in his bathroom and maybe that’s why you thought I smelled like him but Cyrus never set foot in this house tonight. He had to stay at the hospital to monitor tony and investigate what happen at the club since my father can’t know about this. He wouldn’t have had the time, I just took tony there and ran straight back to you. You can ask him if you don’t believe me” as if?
“No. but he was here, I saw him and I touched him. I am not crazy!”
“I know you’re not and it’s not my intention to make you think so but look at the facts. It all points to me, it’s always been you and I you just needed a little push in the right direction and it’s probably my fault for having hidden my feelings towards you all this time. While you were running after Cyrus you should have been with me.”
“What are you talking about?”
I ask him confused by what he is saying. This night keeps getting weird and even weird. I should never have sneaked out tonight. I would still have my virtue, I wouldn’t be confused about whom I slept with and Cullen would not be talking nonsense.
“Cullen you’re my brother. I asked you if you liked me and you denied it, where are all this coming from?”
“We both know we are not related by blood. You asked me if I loved you when we were eight, what kid knows there in love when they are eight. But I knew I had strong feelings for you and I tried to hide them for as long as I could”
“If what you’re saying about tonight is true…..I don’t know” and I really didn’t know either what to say or what to do but I knew one thing was for sure, Cyrus was never going to be mine again. Not even in my dreams, not after what I did with his brother.
And so I just start crying with tears and sound and snort I am a wreck and Cullen is there like he has always been letting me cry and not saying anything but holding me. I needed this because I am saying goodbye to the girl I was and he woman I have become. Saying goodbye to the silly crushes and having to face the reality of what I have done.
It is between my cries that Cullen kisses me. Not his usual forehead or cheek kiss but full blown French kiss on the lips then with tongue. I don’t kiss him back but I don’t stop him either what’s the point? It’s not right and it does nothing for me than give me more doubts and stress but I figured he needed this for whatever reason.
When I have calmed down Cullen urges me to get some sleep and rest for a bit because the sun is about to rise and he would have to sneak me back. Before I do he makes me a promise
“I promise I will make everything right. I know it looks bad but I need you to trust me. Do you trust me?”
“Yes” I answer and it’s true
“Then trust me that everything is going to be okay. We might have done something wrong but I will never let you take the fall I will never let your name be tarnished everything will be right again”
“Okay”
“Go to sleep now you’re exhausted”
My feelings towards Cullen are in a mess. I have always loved him like a brother and trusted him whole heartedly but after tonight I don’t know. I know he is lying to me but why would he lie about sleeping with me if I slept with Cullen and he knew the truth what does he gain from it? Even though he says Cyrus was not here tonight I know deep inside that he was. Is Cullen trying to protect me? His brother or the family?
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