My Decision
SARAH
I took a deep breath, trying to control my heart. Trying to control the little, tiny parts in me that felt like they were coming apart. Trying to keep my head, the one part of me that had to stay in control, to manage all this.
Because Cullen had said all the right words. Everything I wanted to hear. Everything I had ever craved with him.
But I had to remind myself what this was, what we were getting into right now. This wasn’t love. Maybe this was about the war that our families could get into because of us. Maybe this was about Cullen saving face, salvaging pride, trying to reclaim a woman he’d never touched. Maybe it was about his ego.
Or maybe... I don’t know. Maybe it was about something I hadn’t even realised yet. But I had to remind myself what this was about for me.
For me, this was all about experiencing what I had never experienced, what I would probably never get the chance to experience again. I didn’t know yet. But maybe after this... after Cullen opened those doors to sex for me, I would find myself a lover behind my father’s back. Probably one of his guards. Although I was sure that if my dad found out, he would kill him.
I shook my head, horrified at my own thoughts. What am I thinking? I should just start thinking about the now. Just the now.
I reminded myself to think about the now and seeing Cullen.
“Okay,” I said.
He paused for a moment. Then asked, “Do you trust me?”
Another pause. “Do you believe me?”
I didn’t. That was the truth. I didn’t fucking trust him. I didn’t believe him. Even though I wanted to. I really, really wanted to.
But I couldn’t say that. I couldn't give him that power. Not now. Not yet. So I did what I always did when I didn’t have the words, when I didn’t want to break the moment or break myself.... I changed the subject.
“So, am I going to be able to see you tomorrow?” I asked, my voice quiet, careful. “Do you think we can make it?”
There was a pause, just a second too long. He knew I was evading the question. But he didn’t make a big deal out of it.
“The person in question here is you,” Cullen said finally. “I can always slip out and come see you. The problem is you. Can you come out? Would your dad even allow you to leave the house?”
I nodded instinctively, even though he couldn’t see me.
“I know,” I said. “I talked to him. He told me I could leave... but only if he comes with me.”
“So,” Cullen said slowly, “you don’t know how we’d meet.”
“Exactly.”
There was another pause. Then: “Do you think you could ditch him?”
I shook my head, laughing softly. “I don’t know. This is my dad we’re talking about. He watches me like a hawk. I don’t think I could slip away from him without him noticing.”
“What if you say you’re going to the bathroom?” he offered. “You think you can do that?”
That made me laugh for real. “I am not going to crawl out of a toilet window to see you.”
Cullen chuckled too. “Okay, okay. I get it.”
His voice dropped again, soft and serious. “Just... tell me when you leave the house. Tell me where you are. I’ll think of something.”
“Okay,” I said, and I meant it. “You sure, though? You think I’ll be able to see you?”
“If it doesn’t work this time,” he said, “we’ll figure something else out.”
“Okay.”
There was nothing else to say after that. We had gone over everything. We had tried every angle.
“Good night,” I said softly.
“Good night,” he said back.
Then, after a beat, he added, “Wife.”
And I felt that word settle inside me...
The line went quiet after that, but my heart didn’t. It was racing, thudding against my ribs like it wanted to burst free. 'Wife.' It wasn’t the first time he’d said it, he did at the hospital. But it was the first time I’d let myself feel it. I stared at the screen for a while after the call ended, then slid it under my pillow like I was hiding a secret I didn’t want the world to see.
Because maybe I was. I turned off the lights, got under the covers, but sleep didn’t come. It was like every corner of my mind was lit up, flickering with everything he’d said, everything I’d felt. His voice. The longing in it. They want....
I should have been scared. My father would never approve of this. He might even kill him if he found out. But despite all that, I felt calm.
I had made my decision.
****
The next morning, the house was already awake before I was. I could hear movement downstairs, voices, the clinking of plates in the kitchen. I took a shower, kept my hair damp and loose, just the way my mother used to wear it. I didn’t bother with much makeup. I just looked at myself in the mirror, saw the woman staring back, and for the first time in a long time, she looked like she knew what she wanted.
I didn’t know how today would unfold, but I was going to try. When I came downstairs, my father was already at the table, scrolling through his phone, sipping his coffee. He looked up when he saw me and smiled.
“You look beautiful,” he said.
“Thank you,” I replied, sitting down. I stirred my tea slowly, as if I wasn’t thinking about the thousand lies I might have to say today.
“So,” he said, putting his phone down. “Ready for our day?”
I nodded. “Yes. I thought maybe we could go to that Chinese place at the edge of the city?”
He raised an eyebrow, amused. “Suddenly interested in obscure Chinese restaurants?”
I gave a small shrug and smiled. “I’m just tired of the usual places.”
He watched me for a second longer than necessary. “Fine. Let me get some calls out of the way, and we’ll leave in thirty.”
I nodded, trying to keep my heart steady. I texted Cullen under the table.
'We’re leaving in 30. I’ll update you when I can.'
He replied immediately.
'I’ll be ready. Just say the word.'
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