He Loves You
SARAH
He continued.
"I don't know why they wanted another baby to be honest. They already had two boys... Already had an heir to the kingdom." He shook his head then.
“But then they just had to have you. And I remember the day we went with Mom to the hospital when they found out they were having a girl.”
He gave a dry chuckle.
“You should have seen how happy they looked. That they were going to get a little girl. A princess, they said. An angel,” he sneered.
“They were so excited to have you. I didn’t even know why. I didn’t know they were so excited to have you… Just so you could kill her. Like they were celebrating her death.”
I stared at him, trying not to let it land. But it always did.
“Did she know?” he asked suddenly. “Did she know she was going to die? Because I don’t think she would’ve been so happy to have had you if she’d known you were going to kill her.”
“I didn’t kill her,” I snapped, because I couldn’t take it anymore. “You’re not a little child anymore, Ronan. You know I had nothing to do with what happened to her.”
“But you did,” he bit back. “Because if it weren’t for you, she would have been here.... She would have loved me... She would have taken care of us. She understood me.” he said pointing to himself.
"She always knew how to talk to me. She somehow always knew how to calm me down. She was the best mom in the whole wide world... She didn’t scream at us, not once. She was... She was... She was a real angel."
I swallowed taking in all he was telling me. No one had ever told me about my mother like this before. If I asked it was always how I looked so much like her.
" Not you, you're no angel, just a fraud. You’re nothing compared to her."
" I never said I was" I whispered slowly, but I doubt he heard me.
"She was the best. If she were alive today, I would have been different. I was a hearty child once. That was, of course, until you were born....And then we lost her."
I cried then, not able to hold it in.
"And all you did when you came home instead of her was cry and suck and cry and demand for everybody’s attention... You took all of our father's attention while we needed him. When we lost her, we needed him in our lives too. Did you know that, you selfish bitch?"
He shouts at me, and I feel cold. I feel a shiver run through me. Because Ronan junior did not just get angry. I knew that. He was explosive.
So I kept quiet because I did not want to feed whatever it was he was feeling right now.
I had my eyes closed, and after a while, when he spoke again, he wasn't as angry anymore. He just said,
“As a child, I hated you. I absolutely loathed you. I had a hate inside me that used to burn. I would just look at you and think of strangling you.”
“I know what you’re trying to do,” I said, “Reminding me how much you hate me, how all my family hates me and blames me for Mom’s death.... I know, okay? I know..." I took a huge breath.
"I know Nobody loves me. Nobody cares. Not Dad. Not you. Not...."
But then he interfered. He started laughing.
So I opened my eyes and turned toward him.
“Why are you laughing like that?” I asked.
“Because you think that Dad hates you,” he said,
still laughing.
And then he said,
“Dad freaking loves you. Have you seen him give a shit about us like he gives a shit about you?" He asked.
"Do you know that I was shot twice? Here....” he pointed towards his chest, “The bullets came here and here,” he said, opening his shirt and showing me the bullet holes.
“And that man came to the hospital three times. Once when I was admitted. Once when I woke up. And the day I was discharged. Did you know that?” he asked.
I shook my head because I genuinely didn’t know
If Ronan had ever been shot before.
“And I’m his heir,” he said. “I am his most treasured son. I am the one who’s going to inherit everything. And that’s how much he cares about me.... And then there’s you."
I swallow.
"You just throw yourself in the pool because you’re stupid and you can’t use your brain, and because you don’t deserve to be called a Sullivan. Because you’re that weak..... And my dad just drops everything. Stops working for a year, leaving me to deal with everything."
"I am tired. I am spent. I would practically go on my knees to beg him to go back to his kingdom and take his seat.”
He stopped himself... then started laughing again.
“He gives you his all, and he's never left this room,” he said. “And here you are... thinking that he doesn’t love you.”
I swallowed, taking in what he was saying, the weight of his words and what they meant.
"You're just ungrateful. You're just an ungrateful bitch," he snapped. "You’ve always been ungrateful. Always asking for more and more and more.
‘Daddy doesn’t love me.’
‘My brother doesn’t want to love me…’"
He scoffed bitterly.
"Do you know how many men and boys I kicked for looking at you the wrong way? Even people I wasn’t supposed to touch—just because they looked at you the wrong way? Or how many soldiers at the house I had to kill because when you turned eighteen, you were this apple that just shined too bright, and some people couldn’t keep their eyes closed, so I had to keep them closed."
Well, this is new information, I thought to myself.
He shrugged. “So maybe I care in my own way. So what?” he shouted.
Then he got comfortable again, lounging back in the chair, still flipping that damn knife.
“When you were born, and Dad saw you… At first, I think he just clung to you because he had lost his wife, and you were the only thing left. He never felt what we felt. He has never blamed you for it.
But as you grew older… You turned into a ghost in our house. Because suddenly, you looked more and more and more like Sylvia Sullivan. Our mother.”
His voice changed. His eyes shifted. Softer. Stranger.
“She was so beautiful. She walked with grace...."
" Everybody loved her,” I added
“You weren’t even there,” he snapped.
“That’s what they always say,” I replied.
“Maybe they say it to make you feel better. But I was there. I saw her in her element...."
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