But I Didn't
I didn’t realize how tired I was until I ran myself a warm bath and sank into the water. The heat wrapped around me like a gentle embrace, and for the first time that day, I felt my body fully relax. I hadn’t planned to fall asleep, but I must have been more exhausted than I thought. Still wrapped in a towel, I drifted to bed without even bothering to change. Sleep pulled me under, and I let it.
It wasn’t until a knock echoed softly on the bedroom door that I stirred awake. Groggy, and disoriented, I noticed how dark the room had become, night had fallen.
I padded across the floor and opened the door to find a young woman standing there with her head slightly bowed.
“Excuse me, little miss,” she said quietly. “I came to get you for dinner.”
“Oh… thank you. I’ll be right down,” I murmured.
She gave a small nod and turned to leave, her steps quiet against the hallway floor.
I closed the door behind her and hurried to get ready. I picked out a dress I hoped was appropriate, applied a touch of makeup, did something with my hair, slipped on a pair of shoes, and prayed I wasn’t terribly late. I didn’t want to keep anyone waiting, not on my first night here.
Luckily, I managed to find the dining room without much trouble. Inside, only my mother-in-law and father-in-law sat at the grand table. I looked around instinctively for Cullen, but he wasn’t there.
Cedric sat at the head of the table, regal and silent, while my mother-in-law was seated to his right. Not sure where I belonged, I quietly made my way to the seat beside her. She gave me a warm smile as I settled in.
“I’m sorry if I took too long getting ready,” I said, slightly breathless. “I fell asleep and lost track of time.”
“Oh no, dear,” she replied gently, resting her hand lightly over mine. “We just sat down.”
She nodded to one of the maids, and they began to serve us. The food smelled delicious, and I hadn’t realized how hungry I was until the plates were in front of me.
Still, I couldn't help but ask, “Where’s Cullen? Isn’t he joining us?”
She gave a small sigh before answering, “Not tonight. He has some work he needs to finish.”
Her tone was polite and carefully measured. But I could tell he simply didn’t want to be here. Not with me. I forced a small smile and said nothing more.
I wondered silently: is this what meals will be like now? Breakfasts, lunches, dinners with my in-laws, while my husband stays away?
But then, as if she sensed the heaviness in me, my mother-in-law offered an encouraging smile. I held onto it the best I could and did my part, smiling back, pretending everything was fine.
Dinner passed quietly, the food rich and flavorful. Afterward, she asked if I’d like to stay and watch a movie, and maybe spend more time together. I politely declined.
“I’m really tired,” I said softly. “Maybe tomorrow we can catch up more.”
She nodded in understanding.
“Of course, dear. Rest well.”
And with that, I excused myself, heading back upstairs, back to a bedroom that was both beautiful and lonely.
When I got back into the bedroom, I went straight to bed, expecting to drift off the same way I had earlier that day. I thought sleep would come easily. I was wrong.
No matter how many times I turned, shifted, or adjusted my pillow, nothing worked. Sleep evaded me like a cruel joke. I tossed and turned until the frustration got the best of me, and I finally sat up.
Quietly, I walked out onto the veranda, hoping the cool night air would settle something inside me. The breeze brushed gently against my skin as I stared out at the dark stretch of trees and the glow of the estate lights in the distance. It was peaceful, but not enough to silence the noise in my mind.
I thought about the wine my mother-in-law had offered earlier. I’d politely refused, drinking wasn’t something I did. But now? Now I would’ve killed for a glass. Just something to dull the ache sitting at the base of my chest. Something to help me sleep.
I don’t know how long I stood there, arms wrapped around myself, letting the quiet night hold me. That’s when I heard the door creak open behind me.
I turned around.
Cullen.
He walked in both casual and calm. I offered him a small smile as I gently closed the glass door behind me and stepped back inside.
He stopped when he saw me approaching but didn’t move closer. I kept my distance, unsure of how to be around him, how to act in a marriage where I didn’t know the man I was sharing a bed with.
“Hey,” I said quietly. “You’re back. Your mom said you had some work, and I didn’t know how long you’d be out.”
“Yeah… yeah,” he muttered, nodding. His voice was low, almost indifferent.
He didn’t say more. Just turned and walked into the bathroom.
There was something in his walk, steady, but heavy. Not drunk, exactly, but not entirely sober either. I could smell the faint trace of alcohol in the air after he passed me.
I sat down on the edge of the bed, listening to the water run in the shower, wondering what this was supposed to be. Marriage? A contract? A punishment?
When he came out of the bathroom, dressed in fresh pyjamas, he didn’t even glance at me. He went into the closet, grabbed what he needed, and then walked right past me, straight to the bed.
He lay down, facing the opposite direction.
No goodnight. No small talk. No acknowledgement that I was even there.
I stared at his back for a long moment, that ache in my chest now fully awake.
I wondered if this was going to be our everyday routine, him coming home without a word, taking a shower, getting into bed, and turning his back on me.
Was this what my future was going to be like? Living with a stranger? A man who didn’t want to know me, who made no effort, who had already closed himself off?
I sighed, lost in thought when suddenly his voice cut through the silence.
“Could you turn off the lights? I can’t sleep with them on.”
Great. More demands.
So now, whenever Cullen comes back to the room, I’m expected to just go to sleep, no matter how I feel because it’s “lights out,”. He didn’t ask if I liked sleeping with the lights on or off. He didn’t care to know. He just wanted what he wanted, and expected me to fall in line.
Still, I didn’t want to argue. I didn’t want to cause a scene. It was our first night together. So I turned off the lights and lay down in the dark, even though I wasn’t the least bit sleepy. Even though I knew sleep wouldn’t come easy tonight.
I wanted to cry. But I didn’t.
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