The Course
SARAH
I paused, took a breath. “There will come a time. But that time isn’t right now. So please—let’s just enjoy each other for now, while we have the chance.”
“I suppose you’re right,” he said, but I could feel the reluctance in his voice. It sat awkwardly between us.
“Plus,” I said, a little firmer, “you told me you were going to prove to me that you want me. That you want this. That you want our marriage to work.”
“I do,” he said quickly. “I will. I am.”
“Then do,” I said. “Prove it. Show me that you really want me. Show me that you really want this marriage. And when I am sure, really sure that there is nothing in the way, that you mean it, I’ll personally talk to my dad.”
I heard him breathing on the phone. Slow. Controlled. And by the way his breath dragged, I knew, he didn’t like this. Not one bit. But he was going to have to fall in line....
I wanted him when we were married. And he didn’t want me then. So now? Now he’s going to have to wait. He’s going to have to earn it. And I wasn’t saying this to hurt him, or to get revenge. I was saying it because it was the truth.
He couldn’t just change his mind and expect me to fall into his arms. He has to prove himself.
“Fine,” he finally said, voice rough with emotion. “Yes. We’ll do it your way. I’ll prove to you that I want this. I want you. You’re my life. And you come first. Nothing else matters.”
And I believed him. I really did. But belief was no longer enough. He would have to show it.
"So," Cullen said, trying to inject some energy into his voice, "what are you going to study? What major are you taking?"
"Well… actually," I hesitated, "I haven’t decided yet."
"What?" he asked, playful amusement lacing his voice.
"The truth is… I was just looking for a way for you and me to be together. A way we could meet without putting your life in danger. And so, when my dad brought up the whole thing about me going to college, I thought, why not? I could go to university and, I don’t know, find something to do."
"So, you haven’t decided yet, but you’re ready to go?"
"Yes," I said, a little defensively. "And I think it will also be good for me. I really don’t like staying home all the time. And I never really had any friends. So maybe it’s a place I can make friends, have fun… and be me."
"I thought you were going to university for me..." he teased.
I laughed. "Yes, for you."
"So," he said, chuckling softly, "I guess I should let you go spend the rest of the night making a decision.... Big choices ahead."
"I don’t know… I actually like talking to you. I think."
"I love it more than anything else," he said, his voice suddenly soft. "But I don’t want to hinder you. You said it yourself, if you go to university, I get to be with you. And I do want that. I want to be with you."
"You have no idea at all what you want to do?" he asked after a pause. "That’s going to be hard."
"How about fashion?" he suggested. "Or wait, is there a degree for makeup?" he added, grinning through the phone.
I laughed again. "Why are you laughing?" he asked, mock offended.
"You always look so beautiful. You dress so well. I think you can do it."
"I don’t know," I said, still smiling. "I don’t think I really want to be a makeup artist or anything. But… I want to do something fun. And something that also kind of makes me important in the family. I don’t know, I haven’t figured it out yet, but I’m hoping by tomorrow I will."
"All right," he said gently. "Just text me or call me whenever, and I hope I’ll be able to help you however I can... And I hope I will be the first person to know, what you decided," he said.
"You will be," I promised.
"Okay. Good night, Cullen ."
"Good night, wifey."
I barely slept that night. I kept thinking about Cullen and the things he told me over and over. I didn't know what he did to me. But it left me somewhere between comforted and a little terrified.
And it wasn't just Cullen. I had to figure out what to study. I was on the university's website going through the majors that they provide and I thought I was going crazy. And when it was 3, I wondered if I should really call because it was really late. But in the end, I called.
And it was on the third ring when I didn't think he was going to pick up. But he did pick up.
"Hello, wifey," he said. His voice sounded grouchy, as if he were asleep.
"I'm sorry to wake you," I said.
"For you, you can wake me any time you want. So tell me, what did you decide?"
I took a deep breath. "Okay, don't laugh."
"I'm not laughing."
"Have I ever told you I was kind of good at piano?"
"No," he admitted. "I have to say, I don't know a lot about you, but I love everything I am learning about you wifey."
"So anyway, I was kind of good, but I didn’t like playing it. But now I am back at it. I think I can take a few classes. But what I have decided..."
"You want to study music?" he adds.
"Yes, but not just music. I'm going to take music therapy."
"Wow," he says. "I have to admit, I didn't see that coming."
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