Only About
SARAH
"Seriously," he said.
And something in his voice made me sit up straighter. It was no longer playful. No longer teasing. I could feel the shift in him.
"I’ve been having a really hard time ever since I left," Cullen admitted. "You should know, leaving was the hardest thing I had to do. Well… I guess the second hardest."
I didn’t say anything. I just listened.
"The hardest thing," he continued, "was seeing you in that pool. Drowning. Lifeless. Knowing I could have lost you. That could’ve been the last time I ever held you. Saw you...."
He swallowed. And so did I.
I didn’t want to talk about the drowning. God, I didn’t want to talk about the drowning. My father never told me how they found me. What state was I in? How long I had been under? I had buried the memory, pushed it so deep it didn’t even feel like it happened to me. I hadn’t wanted to bring it up. Ever.
But now it was here. Cullen had seen me. He had been there. I always knew, in the back of my mind, that he had implied being at the hospital… but we had never stayed long in that space. We had never named it. Never looked it in the eye.
This was the first time he’d told me plainly. Directly. Truthfully.
"I don’t want to talk about it," I whispered, though I knew he couldn’t see me.
But he must have heard it in my breath.
"Okay," he said gently, almost like a vow.
Then his voice shifted again, grounding itself with something he wasn’t afraid to admit anymore.
"But I want you, Sarah," he said, plain and simple.
I swallowed. Hard. Every part of me went still.
"I want you," he repeated. "I’ve had a taste of you, and now I’m obsessed. It’s the only thing I keep thinking about. You. Your taste. Your smell. The way you responded to me and moaned…"
My legs curled beneath me on the bed, and I could feel my heartbeat climb into my throat. His voice dropped lower.
"I want more of you. All of you. In every way possible. But I want you to want it too. I don’t want to scare you. I don’t want to rush you. But God, Sarah, you’re all I can think about."
I didn’t know how to respond. Not with words. Because he didn’t know it, I had already made my decision....I wanted him.
I wanted to feel him.
I wanted to feel wanted.
I wanted to feel what the big deal was all about sex.
And I wanted it with him, my husband. Even if my father wouldn’t agree. Even if he’d never allow me to go back to Cullen or bless any sort of relationship. Even if it meant breaking all the rules.
This was probably my only shot at this kind of feeling… and I wanted to take it. I needed to.
“Sarah, are you there?” Cullen’s voice came through the line, cautious, uncertain.
“It’s okay if you don’t want to explore that part of our relationship for now,” he added softly.
I could hear him take a breath, like it cost him something to keep going.
“I’ll probably have to freeze my balls… but I’ll take anything you can give. Maybe it’s the kisses. Maybe it’s more. Whatever you’re willing to give.”
I nodded instinctively. Then I realised… he couldn’t see me. The line had gone quiet.
“Okay,” I whispered, finally.
And then came the groan. That long, heavy groan from the other end.
“Oh, your voice. You’re turning me crazy,” he said.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been obsessed or crazy about anyone… ever. And I think you just might be it for me.”
I smiled. I couldn’t help it. And then came his follow-up, almost too sincere to believe.
“No, I’m not just saying that. I am. I’m very serious. I’m a mess because you let me taste you.... I’ve been given a task to do today and all I can seem to think about is you.”
Then he paused, his voice gentler.
“So… still want to meet up tomorrow?”
The question stirred something. Not uncertainty, but something I didn’t know how to name. So I asked it out loud.
“Is it only about sex?” I asked.
I didn’t know where the question came from or why it came now. After everything that had happened, I wanted him to give my body attention. I wanted to feel something, feel him. But a small part of me still feared that might be the only thing he wanted.
Even if he hadn’t touched me for a whole year before. Even if he had stayed by my side when I was sick. Even if he was calling now, saying all the right things.
A part of me just needed to know. But the question still crawled out of me like something I’d buried alive. Was it only about sex for him?
His answer probably wouldn’t matter. But still, I needed to know. There was a pause. I could hear his breath shift.
“No,” he said. Not rushed. Not defensive. Just truthful. “It’s not only about sex.”
I felt my chest tighten.
“Don’t get me wrong,” he added, with a soft edge of a chuckle, “I want you. I crave you. I’m going out of my mind thinking about you.” He paused again. “But it’s not just that.”
He shifted, I could hear it, I pictured him running a hand through his hair.
“Sex… sex is just the easiest way I know how to show someone I want them. But with you, I want everything. I want the awkwardness, I want the arguments, I want to hear you yell at me when I leave clothes on the floor. I want you pissed at me. I want you laughing. I want to be the one holding your hand when you walk into a room. I want you.”
My heart pounded so loud, I was sure he could hear it through the phone.
“I know I messed up before. I know I didn’t make you feel like you were enough. But that’s because I didn’t think I was enough. And that’s on me. But now… now I see you, Sarah.”
He lowered his voice, almost reverent.
“And I always did notice you.... I want the chance to love you right. Not just touch your body but touch your life.”
Tears welled up. I didn’t know what to say.
“I’m not perfect,” he added, almost like a confession. “But I want to try. With you. For you.”
I bit my lip, holding back the words I wasn’t sure I was brave enough to say.
“I’ll be whoever you want me to be,” he said softly. “Just say the word.”
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