I'm Tired
“Nothing,” I said quickly, my voice sharp and defensive.
Bella gave me a pointed look, one of those long, knowing glances, then turned toward Cyrus.
“Honey, could you just give us a few seconds and wait for me outside?”
Cyrus looked confused and hesitant. “Bella....”
“Please?” she added softly.
He gave me one more glance full of reluctance before finally opening the door and stepping out. The moment it clicked shut behind him, I let out a shaky sigh and walked over to the sink. I turned on the tap and splashed water on my face, anything to cool the mess inside me. I looked at myself in the mirror.... smudged eyeliner, flushed cheeks, eyes red with unshed tears. Who even was I anymore?
“You should stop,” Bella said quietly.
I shut off the tap and turned around slowly. “Excuse me? What did you say?”
“For your sake. And everyone else’s. I think you should stop.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “You want me to stop what, Bella? Huh?”
“ Stop this! I don’t know if this is the real you… or if it’s always been in you, hiding under all the glitter and charm. But it’s not working. It’s not going to work in the Cincinnati household.”
“Oh, I see. Here comes the speech,” I said mockingly. “What now? I’m not a good little wifey material? I don’t wear enough pearls? What is it this time?”
“You should stop drinking,” she said, her tone dead serious.
“I just had a glass of wine,” I said chastising as if she was being dramatic.
“It’s not just a glass, and you know it.” Her voice rose slightly. “You think we don’t see it? That it’s some big secret?”
I stared at her, silent.
“We all know, Sarah. I know. Mom knows. Dad knows. Everyone knows.”
“And so what?” My voice cracked, filled with a mix of anger and hurt. “You gonna give me a lecture now? Huh? Is that it?”
“Yes,” she said simply. “I guess someone has to.”
Bella walked to the sink beside mine and stood next to me, our eyes meeting in the mirror. Her voice softened.
“I was so happy when I found out Cullen was getting married. I thought... finally. I’d have a sister. A best friend. Another princess, like me. Someone who understood.”
She paused, searching my face, but I wouldn’t give her anything.
“I thought we’d be friends,” she continued. “Real friends. We could’ve made things easier....on all of us. On Cyrus. On Cullen. On the whole family.”
I scoffed. “What, you disappointed in me? Sorry, I couldn’t follow your lead, Miss Perfect Cheerleader?”
Bella ignored the jab. “Cullen is very important to me.”
“Oh, believe me... I know.”
“I hoped you and I would grow close. Be sisters. Help each other. Support each other. And I tried. I really did....”
She looked like she might cry, dabbing at invisible tears. I rolled my eyes.
“We still can, Sarah. But not if you’re like this.” She shook her head, the pity in her eyes making me want to scream. “You have to stop. And if you can’t… maybe it’s time for rehab.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” My voice trembled. “This is not a problem. This is a choice. I drink because I don’t want to live in a world where you are perfect, where Cullen is supposed to be my husband but all he thinks about is you.”
My voice was rising now, breaking.
“I don’t even know him. I don’t know his favourite colour. His favourite food. Anything... I don’t know what makes him laugh. He’s never touched me. I don’t even know what it’s like to be held by my own husband.”
The words tumbled out of me like a dam breaking. “Not a kiss. Not a hug. Nothing.”
I broke.
And just when Bella moved like she was about to come to comfort me, I held up my hand, warning her back.
“Don’t. Just.... don’t. You’re always there. Always in the middle of every fucking thing. And I’m just... I’m invisible.”
Suddenly, I stumbled back toward the sink and bent over, heaving hard. My body convulsed, but nothing came out. I hadn’t eaten in so long. All that came was bile and water. Tears started pouring down, not from sadness, but from the force of my body trying to purge what wasn’t even there.
“Cyrus,” Bella called out, then turned and ran out of the bathroom.
Just great, I thought bitterly. I turned back to the sink, twisting the tap and splashing cold water on my face again, hoping it would somehow wash away the mess on my skin, in my head, in my life.
A few minutes later, Bella returned, stepping in quietly with a bottle of water in her hand. She walked over and placed it gently on the sink beside me.
“Here. Drink this,” she said softly.
I unscrewed the cap and drank the whole bottle in one go, my throat burning as the cold water rushed down.
Bella exhaled, her voice quieter now.
“Look, Sarah… please don’t go to the party. I know since you came into the family, Cedric’s been quiet, keeping to himself and that’s for a reason. He has a temper, and if you walk in there and cause a scandal, disrupt his anniversary party, I’m telling you… you’ll have more than just problems on your side.”
She paused as if weighing her next words.
“I really think you should go back home...”
“I didn’t even want to come to this stupid party,” I snapped, my voice cracking. “I just wanted to see my dad.”
My chest tightened as I looked down at the sink.
“Every time I call him to tell him I want to come home, he doesn’t even answer. He just… hangs up. Right away.”
I stared at my reflection in the mirror, and for the first time, the truth came out in one breath, unravelling from my lips like a confession I hadn’t even known I’d been holding in.
“I just want to go home, okay? I’m tired. I’m just… tired. Of everything. Of everyone. I’m tired.”
The words felt like surrender. Almost like laying down a heavy load, I hadn’t even realized I’d been carrying. My body slumped slightly, and I clutched the edge of the sink, my shoulders trembling from exhaustion I hadn’t dared speak aloud until now.
“I’m tired of being married to a man who doesn’t even look at me. A man who doesn’t love me. A stranger who sleeps beside me but never sees me. I’m tired of pretending like this life fits me. I don’t want this anymore. I want to leave. I want to go.”
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