The Memories
SARAH
“I don’t want that. I don’t want it. Take it away. Take it away!”
“What? What?” my father asked, his voice turning— from loving to panicking more and more with each sentence. Until the doctor and the nurses rushed in.
The doctor tried to get me to breathe, because I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt like someone was choking me.
The air—It couldn’t go.
“Relax,” the doctor said gently.
“Breathe in. Go with me.... breathe out.”
I mimicked him, trying to do what he said. And by the time I could breathe by myself again,
I still had the same result.
I told him,
“Take me back.”
“What do you mean? Take you where?” the doctor asked.
“I don’t want to remember,” I told him. “Take the memories away. I don’t want to remember.”
The doctor looked at me, confused and a little helpless.
“But… we can’t erase memories,” he said softly.
“I don’t care,” I said, almost in a whisper.
“Do something. Give me something. Put me back to sleep. I don’t want to remember. I don’t want to feel this.”
My chest hurt. It wasn’t physical. It was deeper. Like someone had shoved their hand into me and was twisting everything... my lungs, my heart, my ribs.
And the tears wouldn’t stop. I felt like I was drowning in them.
“I don't want to remember. I want to go back to sleep,” I said. “Please.”
My father was sitting by my side, holding my hand.
His thumb gently brushed the back of it.
“I’m here, sweet girl. I’m here. We’re going to fix this. Just breathe, okay?”
But I couldn’t stop shaking. I couldn’t stop crying.
My body felt like it didn’t belong to me anymore.
My father's eyes were wide, frightened in a way I had never seen before. Mr. Sullivan, the feared Irish Mafia Don, looked completely helpless.
“Sarah…” he whispered.
I turned my face away. I couldn’t look at him. Because even though he was here now, where was he when I needed him most?
Cullen stood a few steps back. His face was pale. His eyes were wide.
He tried to say something, but my father shot him a look that silenced him.
“Not now. Get out,” he said coldly.
Cullen didn’t move.
“I am not leaving her.....” he started.
The doctor injected something into my IV.
“It will help you calm down,” he said.
And slowly… slowly… the panic began to fade.
Not disappear. Just… blur at the edges.
I closed my eyes, but the memories were still there.
Flickering in pieces.
Me, standing in that white dress. Cullen's blank face beside me. His hand gripping mine too tightly.
Me, sitting at that cold dinner table with his parents like an orphan.
A house too big.
A bed too empty.
Nights I cried myself to sleep, muffling the sounds into the pillow so no one would hear.
I had been invisible. A ghost in silk and lace.
And yet, now… here I was with my father beside me.
With Cullen acting like he cared. As if none of that had ever happened.
How could they pretend?
I must have gone under, because when I opened my eyes, I was alone in the room for the first time. Ever since I got here, I think I’ve never woken up to find myself alone. Either my dad or Cullen was always here. If it was just one of them, the other always came soon after.
But now… no one. And strangely, I was relieved that they weren’t here.
The pain was still there, dull but steady. I felt cheated, calm, and yet broken all over again. I had woken up, and after they knew how they had treated me… after everything that had happened… they still acted like we were perfect. That we were one big happy family.
Well—not perfect, exactly, since they liked to bicker. But the way they looked at me, the way they tried to act normal, as if their sins had been forgiven just because I had forgotten… that was what stung.
Which makes me think… maybe my dad did know what was happening to me. Did he know and still leave me in the hands of that man?
But then again, I can’t blame the whole Cincinnati clan. His mother was really nice to me. I can’t say much about his dad, but he didn’t go out of his way to make me feel uncomfortable either.
And then there was Bella.
I don’t even know why I was so mad and angry at her. I was married to Cullen. Cullen was the one who should have given me all the attention, all the love—but he went out of his way to purposely hurt me.
I don’t know if it’s true that Bella and Cullen were together or not, but looking at it now, feeling as if I’m looking at someone else’s life—I just feel like I was searching for a villain. Someone to hate. Someone to blame for all my misery..... And she was just there. She was it.
I shake my head.
Then Jeff Benz, a doctor, my doctor walks in. He sees me and smiles.
“Wow, for once, you’re on your own,” he says.
He comes closer and asks, “How are you doing?”
I answer him, voice low and dry, and he nods. Then he starts asking questions. How I feel. How are the memories affecting me.
Then he hesitates. “Do you think I’ll need to ask a special doctor to help you deal with the memories?”
I just stare ahead, my mind clouded, not really answering.
Because I don’t even know the answer to that.
“You don’t have to worry,” Dr. Benz says gently. “There are all kinds of doctors here, good ones....determined to help. They only want one thing: for you to get better.”
“I don't,” I whisper.
“Are you sure?” he asks, slightly confused.
“I think I’m fine,” I clarify, voice barely above a breath. “But if it gets too much… I’ll ask for help.”
“Of course,” he nods. “Anything else you want to talk about? Any questions you might have, maybe?”
I shake my head. “Yeah… I agree. But I can’t come up with anything. Not now. Maybe ask me in a few days.”
“It’s good that you seem calm now,” he says warmly. “Like you’ve accepted your circumstances.”
“Yeah,” I say, nodding. “I have. It’s the past. It has happened.”
“Yes,” the doctor says with a small smile. “That means it doesn’t have to affect your future. Whatever you did, whatever happened to you… I can assure you, you can have better. You can be better. You’re still so young. Such a young girl with so many things left for you to do. A bright future. So much you haven’t done yet… haven’t even thought about.”
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