I Don't Know
CULLEN
I don’t know if I’ve ever been that scared… or horrified… or disgusted.
I felt like I was going to vomit. I don’t even know what I was feeling....but it was dread.
Real, bone-deep dread...It didn’t feel like I was in my body anymore. Like I was watching it all from outside.
I immediately dropped to my knees and started pressing on her chest, performing mouth-to-mouth. Again. Again. And again. I didn’t know how long she’d been in the water. But she was so cold. Ice cold in my hands.
I think she’s dead...
That’s it. That was the thought circling in my head.
I think she is dead. But I keep going.... pumping, breathing into her. Pumping, breathing into her. I don’t stop.
Everything around me becomes dull and frozen. Like the world has slowed down. I hear my family.... panicking.
Bella’s voice is cracking as she screams for 911.
My father is muttering something about the Irish.
Cyrus is yelling about a doctor.
And my mother...she’s shrieking. Her voice cuts through the air. She’s screaming for someone to take it easy. She’s warning that someone’s going to break a rib.
But I don’t care.
I just want Sarah to wake up.
She can’t die. She cannot die. Not like this. Not now.
Suddenly, someone pulls me back, and I snap. I start fighting them.
“Cullen! Cullen!” Cyrus shouts right in my ear. “You’re going to break her ribs... you’re pressing too hard! Just let me do it!”
“No!” I yell, pushing him off. I can’t stop. I can’t.
Then my mother appears beside us and says,
“I’ll do it.”
She kneels beside Sarah and begins CPR. Slow. Careful. Methodical. Mouth-to-mouth. Chest compressions.
But nothing happens. No change in her colour. No movement. Nothing.
Who knows how long she’d been under?
Who knows who did this?
No. I stop myself..... I can’t start naming names. I can’t go there right now.
Then I heard my father: “The doctor’s here.”
And I see him... our family doctor, walking quickly, assessing, doing what he can.
But something inside me just snaps.
“What the fuck is he gonna do?!” I yell. “Sarah needs a hospital! She needs to be rushed to the fucking hospital!”
My father rounds on me, just as angry. “You think I don’t know that?” he shouts. “But the ambulance will take time to get here. The doctor is closer. He’s already here. So let him see what he can do!.... Back off.”
“You’re an asshole!” I shout back.
I pull away, stepping back from Sarah. My body is shaking, and my hands are still soaked. I feel useless. Useless and helpless.
And then… My eyes go to her again. And I saw something I hadn’t noticed before.
She’s wearing… lingerie. Not just any lingerie, something camp.Thin, silky. Bare.
I think she was wearing a robe over it. But it’s not on her anymore. I look around and there it is. The robe, floating in the pool, soaked and abandoned.
She’s just lying there, in front of everyone, like that. I don’t know why, but I feel this rage building in my chest. Not just rage, possessiveness. Something primal.
No one should be seeing her like this. Not my family. Not anyone.
I turn and run inside, grab some towels, and come back. I drape them over her, covering her. Protecting her. Shielding her from their eyes.
My gaze finds Bella. But she doesn’t look at me. She quickly turns away, avoiding eye contact.
My mother is kneeling close to the doctor now, listening carefully. My father’s still making calls, phone glued to his ear.
And then, thank God—the ambulance finally comes. They put Sarah on a stretcher, and I don’t hesitate.
I climb in with them. There’s no question.
“Hurry up,” I say, my voice hard.
I can’t tell you about those minutes in the ambulance. They’re a blur. A total blur. Cold lights. Cold hands. Panic. Silence.
And her... still not waking up. Still so pale. So still. So cold.
When we arrive, they rush her straight into the emergency room.
I’m just left there. Pacing. Shaking.Waiting.
When my mom walks in and sees me, she doesn't hesitate. She walks straight toward me and pulls me into her arms.
And I know I shouldn’t. I’m a grown man. I don’t even like Sarah. I don’t even know her.
But I cry.
I cry in her arms like a goddamn child. Because I’m angry. So angry...I want to hit something, break something. But I know it won’t help.
Nothing will help. So I just stand there, trembling, and cry in her arms.
She doesn’t let go. If anything, she holds me tighter.
“It’s going to be fine,” she whispers. “She’s going to be fine.”
“She won’t,” I say, pulling back, my voice shaking. “You didn’t see her. She was so pale. She wasn’t breathing. She didn’t even cough the water.”
I stare at her, accusing, desperate. “She’s dead… isn’t she?”
“No,” my mother says firmly, shaking her head. “Don’t say that. Don’t you dare say that. She’s going to be fine.”
“Just because I wish she’s going to be fine doesn’t make it true,” I shoot back. “She’s dead.”
“She’s not,” my mother snaps. She grabs my arm, forcing me to face her. “Wipe your tears. I need you to be strong for this. You’re a Cincinnati. You cannot break down. No one can see you like this.”
I wipe my face, nodding silently.
She holds my gaze, her voice low and firm. “I know you’re hurting. I know you’re angry. But right now, what we need to do, the only thing we can do... is pray.”
I shake my head, slowly lifting my eyes toward the ceiling.
But then she shakes me. Hard.
“Look at me,” she says. “I’m telling you... the only thing we can do right now is pray.”
“I don’t think God’s going to listen to us,” I mutter.
“God listens to everybody,” she says. “You’re going to pray for her. Sarah is innocent. She hasn’t hurt anyone. She doesn’t deserve this...You think God’s going to punish her for our sins?”
“I don’t know,” I admit, shrugging. “I don’t know this girl. For all I know, she might be spiteful. One of those cold, cruel witches. I don’t know.”
I let out a breath, shaking my head.
“But what I do know,” I say quietly, “is she can’t die now....Not like this.”
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