Not That Little Girl
SARAH
I was already going through a hard time wondering how I was supposed to interact with Ryan, and now you're telling me that Ronan, the psycho was also thrown into the mix?
"Yes," my father says. "I wanted to tell you this earlier and apologise."
"Why didn’t you tell me earlier?" I snapped. "And why is Ronan coming here? It’s not like he’s going to the university. Didn't he say he despises school or he was too good for it.... Something like that?"
"Yes," my father answers simply. " He is just too smart to be tested in a classroom."
As I scoff, I find myself wondering who I am. I don’t even know why I was being so straightforward today. My father smiles grimly.
"I know. "
I give him an unimpressed look.
" Sarah, I know your brother has issues. But he’s still your brother, and I’m sure there’s a little part in him that actually cares about you."
"Really?" I ask, my voice filled with disbelief and sarcasm
"Look, I asked Ryan to come over to the house, and he asked why Ronan couldn’t also join us. And they come as a package. But you won’t have to stay with Ronan. I’ll ask him to come to my office and we’ll talk business. That will leave you time with Ryan to work on your application."
"You told me that you would be here while I’m talking to Ryan," I remind him. "And now you’re going to leave him alone with me?"
"Don’t worry. I have taken every measure available. There will be guards looking, listening. If he tries anything....which I don’t think he will."
I narrowed my eyes at him. My father takes a deep breath.
"Look, Sarah. These are your brothers. They’re your only family. And I’m afraid there’s a day when I won’t be here. And you’ll be here with them. And I want you to have some kind of a civil relationship. That you won’t really need them… but they won’t leave you out on the street either."
He pauses again before continuing. "And I know there’s something wrong with your brother, but, when he tried to drown you…" As he says this, it’s as if he doesn’t want to admit to it. That he has to.
"He was a child. He’s had therapy since then. I tried to get him whatever help I could give him. And he has never tried to again. I’m just hoping that he’s older now and no longer jealous of you anymore."
I didn't say anything. I didn’t want to say anything. Because if I did, I might just scream.
I wanted to believe him. I really did. But this wasn’t just some family drama. This wasn’t a silly feud over who got the bigger bedroom growing up. This was Ronan. Ronan, who once wanted to drown me in his bathtub.
He was a child? Sure. But so was I. And I never tried to kill anyone.
I nodded slowly, pretending like his words didn't make my chest tighten, pretending like I wasn't already thinking of all the different places I could hide in this house, just in case. My father must have sensed it. Because after a long silence, he said softly,
“Sarah, you don’t have to be afraid anymore. You're not alone. You're not that little girl.”
Except I was. Somewhere deep inside, I still was.
“I’m going to be okay,” I said instead.
I don’t even know if I believed it. But I said it for his sake. Because he needed to hear it. Because he needed to believe he could keep us all together, even if it meant inviting the devil himself.
He stood up then and kissed my forehead.
“Ryan will be here in a couple of hours,” he said. “I’ll let you know when they arrive.”
And then he walked out, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Alone with the ghost of my brother, who is not in fact a ghost but flesh and blood, and walking straight into this house.
The hours ticked by slowly. Trying to get the time to go and give myself something to do, I decided to change my outfit twice. I couldn't decide how I wanted to face them, but I sure as hell didn't want to look like a little girl under their mercy. In the end, I ended up choosing a soft navy blouse and black pants. I tied my hair into a bun and waited.
There was a knock on the door and I nearly jumped. My fingers twitched for me to get the phone and call Cullen, tell him that I was meeting my brothers. But then I remembered I would have to explain why I am so scared, how to explain, retell, relive what Ronan had done to me. And as much as I wanted to share that with Cullen, not now, not yet. I still didn't fully trust him. I can't give him the Sullivan family secrets.
So, even though I saw that Cullen had texted me, I only responded with one text. Telling him that I was a bit occupied with university issues and would call him later in the evening. I didn't need to add him into the mix of what was already happening here today.
I went towards the door and opened it to find my father on the other side.
He said, "Hello my angel, are you ready?"
"Ready for what?" I asked, even though I already knew.
"Your brothers are downstairs, come on, let's go and greet them."
"Yes Dad, of course," I nodded, and we ascended the stairs together.
And there, just below the stairs, were Ronan and Ryan.
"Good morning," I said, towards them.
I was going to brace myself through this with my head held high. I won't give them the satisfaction of seeing me nervous.
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