Sarah - Far Gone
SARAH
So I spilled the beans..... I told my father everything.
Well… not everything. Like what I was wearing, what I was thinking at that exact moment. But you know, you get the picture.
“So what happened?” my father asked. “If Cyrus left, how did you fall in the pool? Did he come back? Was it his wife? Who did this?”
“Why do you think someone in that house wanted to hurt me?” I asked.
“Because after what you’ve told me, Sarah, they had motive. They had the means. And they’re all killers. The whole family are murderers.”
I smiled sadly. “Just like us?” I asked.
“Not you, my angel. Not you,” he said.
“Well,” I said, taking a deep breath, bracing myself for what I was about to tell him, “I’m sorry, because the truth… it isn’t that interesting. It’s really just sad.”
“Why? What happened? Just tell me,” he said. “Just tell me who wanted to hurt my beautiful, sweet girl.”
“I’m not the woman you think I am, Dad,” I said. “I’m not that pure, sweet, honest, loyal, trustworthy picture you created in your head. Because you never took the chance to know me. To know the real me... What in the story that I told you about what I did still makes you think I am that pure woman you speak of?”
“You’re my daughter,” he said. “And in my eyes, you can do no wrong. You’re pure and perfect.”
I shook my head slowly, my voice trembling.
“I’m sorry to tell you....that image in your head about your daughter? She doesn’t exist.”
“What do you mean? And why are you saying it like that?” he asked, confusion and worry written all over his face.
"That's because I tried to kill myself, Dad."
"What?" he asked, frowning, confused.
"Yes," I said, nodding.
He seemed to flinch, as if I had just gutted him. That’s how it felt right now. He had been furious when he thought I was hurt. He had been nervous, his face filled with fear. But now—now that I was telling him exactly what I had tried to do, he went pale.
Almost like a ghost. So I continued.
"Yes, Dad. I tried to commit suicide. I tried to take my own life. Because after everything, my life felt meaningless. I didn’t have the will to live anymore. Not after so many rejections. So much pain. My love was never returned. I was never loved. I was never given loyalty. No trust. I had nothing.... and no one."
I swallowed, my voice growing weaker with every word.
"And whoever I tried to reach out to… they always ended up breaking my heart. Breaking me."
I paused, looking at him, his face tight, motionless. Silent.
"And that night, after Cullen rejected me... after the talk I had with Bella… after you rejected me when you left the party without even waiting to see me, even though we hadn’t seen each other in months, and then when Cyrus also rejected me, and the hurtful words he said..."
My voice broke. But I kept going.
"I just... I couldn’t take it anymore, Dad. I couldn’t take it anymore."
A silence fell between us, but I had more to say. I had to let it out.
"I knew I couldn’t just come back home. I couldn’t divorce Cullen. You know I couldn’t. In the Mafia, marriages are for death. I knew I couldn’t divorce him. I couldn’t get your attention. I couldn’t break your heart by breaking the alliance. I was just... done."
I looked down, ashamed, empty.
"So After cyrus left, I went to my alcohol stash I had hidden in my bedroom, and I started drinking everything I could find. Whether it was wine, whiskey, bourbon, vodka....whatever it was, I drank it. I wanted to forget. I didn’t want to feel.... After a while, I wandered around the house, no clue what I was doing, until I found myself outside… at the edge of the pool. As I looked at the water, I wondered how it would feel.... To drown. To suffocate.To feel the water in my lungs....In my...."
"No, please. That’s enough," my father practically screamed. "That’s enough description."
"This is my story," I snap softly "You’re going to hear it. Because that is what you wanted, the truth."
I swallowed. "Even though I knew I was too weak..... By then I was probably crawling around the house by then, holding myself up on the walls..... I knew I couldn’t swim back out. But I still let myself fall into the pool.... I jumped in."
My father closed his eyes then.
"I knew no one was in the house, probably just the guards but they don’t come back there. I knew the family was still at the party. I knew by the time everyone was back, they'd find me.... I’d already be dead. And I wouldn’t be a problem anymore."
I swallowed,
"Not for you. Not for Cullen. Not for the Cincinnati alliance.... I just didn’t want to be a problem anymore."
I see that my father is crying again. His face is twisted with pain I don’t think I’ve ever seen before.
"I’m so sorry, my angel," he says through tears.
"I’m so sorry you had to go through that… that you had to do that... that you were so out of options you thought that was the only way."
He shakes his head like he's trying to wake from a nightmare.
"It should never have been an option."
"So there you have it, Dad," I say. "There’s no villain in this story. You can’t take revenge for me. You can’t save me.... Because I’m just broken. There’s something wrong with me."
"No." His voice is firm now. Tears dried. Mine now falling as I wipe them away.
"There is nothing wrong with you," he says.
"You’re perfect. You’re amazing. You’re everything, babby...."
"Haven’t you heard what I’ve been saying?" he asks, his voice rising, cracking. "You’re everything."
"Then why didn’t you ever want me?" I whisper.
"Why did my brothers hate me? Why did my husband hate me? Why couldn’t anyone love me?.... Was I born not to ever be loved?"
"No," he says, and this time it’s with conviction.
"My love for you is big. Bigger than anything else and it’s enough. And I know I haven’t been there as a father, but I promise you...." he leans forward, eyes locked on mine, "That’s all gonna change now."
And that is the promise he gives me. He looks me dead in the eye and says it like a vow.
I don’t know how he’s planning to protect me or save me. Because right now… I feel too far gone to be saved.
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