The Feeling
SARAH
I finally exhaled and made my way toward the dining room where I was sure they were waiting for me to have lunch.
I walked in to find Ronan staring at Ryan. I didn’t know what that was about. My father was busy on his phone, acting like he didn’t see his sons staring back at the other. The minute I walked in, my father put his phone aside, walked toward me, kissed the top of my head, pulled out the chair on his left for me, and then I sat down.
It was quiet. Tense. We had lunch like that, with Ronan staring daggers at me and Ryan but more at him. But no remarks from him. No jabs. Just that unsettling silence.
After we had had lunch, my father immediately said, standing up from his seat, “I’ll walk the two of you out.”
“Actually,” Ryan said, still sitting, “you told me about the tour I was supposed to give Sarah, and we’ve come to an agreement that I’ll take her on Monday. She said that the guards can drive her there, and I’ll personally give her the tour.”
The room seemed to go cold all of a sudden from the silence and the way both my father and Ronan stared at Ryan.
My father then asked, turning his gaze toward me, “Did you agree to this, Angel?”
I swallowed, looking back at Ryan, who wasn’t even watching me but staring at Ronan.
Here’s the thing....I wanted to say yes. But what if Ronan was going to be there? The last thing I wanted was for Ronan to be there. And as I turned to look at Ronan, it was almost like he could feel me watching him, because he also turned to look at me, and a smile blossomed on his face.
That’s when my dad said, “Monday... I think Ronan and I will be very busy that day. I won’t be able to accompany you,” he added.
And I got the message clear. Ronan wouldn’t be there because my dad would make sure to have his eyes on him.
“Okay,” I said. “We already agreed. Monday it is.”
“Alright,” my father said.
Ryan stood up and started heading toward the door with our father, but Ronan kept sitting on the chair… still staring at me. Not making a move to stay
For some reason today, I did not want to cower to him. So I stared back. He narrowed his eyes harder at me, but I didn’t look away.
My father had started walking back toward him, and I knew he was going to—like—tell him to leave or something like that. But before he did, I said:
“What are you looking at? Are you thinking of drowning me again?”
I knew I had said the wrong thing the moment the words left my mouth. The room went silent again. Not just quiet, charged.
I could feel my dad, now standing behind Ronan’s chair, tense. It was almost like he was getting ready to knock Ronan out cold. But Ronan… Ronan had a different reaction.
He smiled. He actually smiled and said, “Look who realised she has a backbone.”
Then he started chuckling, although he was the only one laughing in the room.
I glanced toward Ryan. He was back to his usual cold, unreadable self, watching Ronan from afar with a kind of quiet interest.
“That was funny,” Ronan said, still laughing, as he stood up and walked past Ryan. He didn’t stop. He didn’t look back. He just kept going, his laughter trailing behind him like a storm you knew would come again.
The door closed after him, but the tension didn’t leave with it.
My father didn’t follow them. He stayed where he was, standing there, watching me, as if I were an alien he couldn’t figure out.
“What?” I found myself snapping at my dad. “What? You want me to always cower when I see him? To scream like a little girl? And what, see him as a monster I’m supposed to be afraid of?”
I took a breath.
“I don’t want to be that person anymore,” I said, my voice sharper than I expected.
My father ground his teeth, looked away from me, sighed, took a breath, and then turned towards me as he said,
“Ronan is...”
“Psychotic?” I provided.
“Complicated,” he finished. “Do not encourage him.”
“I do not have to encourage him,” I added back quickly. “I didn’t do anything. I only have to exist and be alive for him to want to unsettle me,” I snapped.
My father did not change his stance.
“Like I said,” he repeated, firm, “do not encourage him.”
And then he turned and left. It almost seemed like I had managed to disappoint my father.
All this time, I never seemed to see that before. I mean, he didn’t have that furious, how could you do this, I am so done with you kind of face. No, not that.
But a little bit like I had done something he didn’t expect. Something he didn’t like. 'your better than this' look.
And I did not like that feeling. The way it made me feel like I had done something wrong, the way I was left here at the dinner table, doubting myself. It just left something bitter. A bitter taste in my mouth.
I swallowed and immediately rushed back to my room. I wanted to talk to Cullen. I hadn’t talked to him ever since I woke up this morning, and I wanted to. Because I wanted to feel better. I didn’t want to feel like I had done something wrong. Like I had disappointed my dad... just for standing my ground.
I found several missed calls from Cullen and a text message.
Good morning, wifey.
Hey, answer me, wifey. Where are you?
And then another one:
Are you still dealing with your university stuff? Want some help?
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