The search to the 'real me'

-Crissie POV-

“Ugh.. My poor muscles!” I say out loud. “Joshua, remind me of this feeling the next time I challenge Adam…”. I rub my upper arms and make a crazy face. Joshua chuckles, “No, I’m not. This looks too funny. My pumpkin is going to be huge.” he says while he flex his muscles. I shake my head, that idiot.

“But, for real, Chris. That was awesome! I’ve never seen you use fire before. Why haven’t you told me while we practised your portals?” Joshua asks me. I shrug, “I wasn’t sure if my feelings were right. Besides, that book doesn't explain much. It looks like it’s a beginner book. It only explains how you can use basic abilities, like portals and blinking. And it’s describing the different kind of powers, and how you can understand them. But it’s old written, so I can’t understand everything.”

Joshua nods. “I understand, but this is major! What if you can explore more of your fire? What if you can be a great defender for our pack? We would be unstoppable with four chosen ones and a mage within one pack!” He’s almost jumping around from excitement. I guess he doesn’t understand this brings danger as well.

“Hey, big boy, stop jumping around like a childish bunny and listen to me.” I say to him. “You know that every other pack is going to want a share of all those powers, don’t you? They’re coming for us, I’m certain of that. Besides, I don’t want to be a guardian. I don’t fight, I hate it. That’s why I always skipped gym or training when I was in highschool.” I walk over to my mini fridge in the corner of my room and take out a carton of milk. “I’m going to make myself an ice coffee, you want some too?”

Joshua makes a funny face and fakes a shiver: “Nooo! Gross.. I hate coffee.”

I smile. “You silly, ice coffee isn’t a ‘real’ coffee. It’s like root beer, not the real deal.” I answer him. “But, lucky me, that means there’s more for me. So I guess that’s OK.” and I continue making myself an ice coffee. It’s basically a milkshake with a little coffee flavour through it. I make it with vanilla icecream, crushed ice cubes and milk. Mix it all together, add some coffee powder and a secret ingredient - a.k.a. hazelnut syrup -, and it tastes heavenly!

When I’m done, I pop down on the couch next to Joshua and look around my room. I’m satisfied with how my little place turns out. It’s small, but it’s something. I wanted more freedom when I was still living at my parents house. So I made a small living area in one side of my bedroom, with a couch and a small wooden, round table. In front of the couch is my bed, a box bed I made myself. I love coziness. Then I have my dressoir with my clothes in it, I don’t need a real wardrobe. I don’t have much clothes. On top of the dressoir, I have my own coffee machine, water cooker and mini oven. Right next to it, is my mini fridge to complete the ‘kitchen’. And the last corner is reserved to an enormous sink, where I can wash myself or my dishes. Yes, it’s simple, but all mine.

“So, what's next?” Joshua asks me.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you can shoot cute, little fireballs. You know how to blink and make portals. Don’t you want to explore more?”

“Hmmm. I don’t know, I would love to continue my study and become a nurse. I’m not prepared for being a mage. Besides, I only tried to learn all this to help you guys out. Now Eve’s here, so you don’t need me anymore, right?”

“Oh hell no, Crissie! You told me before, they’re coming back! We need your help in the future too. Don’t walk away from this, please!”

Suddenly, I felt anger taking over: “You don’t know how it feels, right? To be different! I’ve always been different, as the only human in a werewolf pack. And now it turns out I’m not human, but a mage! And I’m done adjusting myself again, change myself or trying to fit in with this ‘new me’. Only a few people know what I can do, and they needed to promise their Luna that they keep their mouths shut. You know they’re not going to say a word to anybody. So, I decided I’m not going to either. I just want to be Crissie, nothing more, nothing less. Do you understand?” I didn’t notice I stood up and yelled right in Joshua’s face.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you. But I’m frustrated.” I say to him, while I sit down again.
Joshua wraps his arm around me, and says: “It’s OK, pumpkin. I do understand. Well, not in detail, but I can emphasis with you. That’s something, right? I can imagine…”.

I smile, he’s right. He doesn’t need to feel the things I feel, but as long as he listens to me and tries to imagine how I feel, he’s good. That’s all I’m asking. So, I nod. “That’s alright, big boy. YOU are right.” I bend over to him and kiss his face.

“Oh no, not just a random kiss on my face. Here..” Joshua shifted his weight and tilted his head to kiss her right on the lips. “That’s how you throw a kiss, lady. But I want you to listen to me. The book said you need to find yourself, your true self, otherwise it’s going to be awful, right?”

I roll my eyes, “Well, not in that exact words; but yeah. Something like that. It’s going to have consequences if I don’t find my true self within time. But there’s no explanation, whatsoever. So I decided to leave it alone and just continue my life, like I did before all this.”

“But what if the consequences are bad, like: you’re going to die or something?” Joshua asks me with a dead serious face. I burst out laughing, “Oh come on, soldier. You’re always seeing the bad sides of every occasion. It’s just an old book! Don’t take it that seriously..”

“But everything in that book helped you so far. It helped you to control your hands and your mind to do the things you did. How can you say ‘don’t take it seriously’?” Joshua’s getting irritated.

“So, what are you suggesting?” I ask.

“Tell your mom and dad, ask if they know anything about the day you were found. Any details they can remember, so that we can find your birth parents. I bet you’re not the only one mastering the magic.”

“Oh no.. No, no, no.. We’re not going to do that! I don’t want to meet the ‘so-called birth parents’. They’re NOTHING! You hear me? NOTHING! They left me in the woods, completely alone. As a freaking baby! Who does that? They don’t deserve it, to see me all grown up like this. I want them to think I’m dead. In fact, they’re dead to me.” I know my reaction seems strange to him. Maybe I did overreact, but I don’t want anything to do with my birth parents. They just don’t deserve it.

“Darling, they’re going to have answers. Don’t you want them? I promise you, I’ll never bring them up again after we found the information we need to keep you safe. Please?”

I look up into Joshua’s eyes, I can see he’s worried, but determined. I think he’s not going to let this go. “OK, we’re going to find them. But only to get answers about this magic-thing, alright? After that - I don’t want to hear about them anymore, ever.”

Joshua smiles and I can see he’s relieved. He jumps off of the couch and says: “Thanks, pumpkin. Come, let’s find those bastards!”

I chuckle, he’s never gonna change...