Chapter 21

Jas" pov
I can't appreciate everything I did, especially the way I hurt El. I didn't mean to hurt her, and I hope she understands that. I hope she's okay, and that she won't ignore me despite everything I've done to her. Every time I'm with her, I have a relaxing time, and that is precisely my problem.
Everything has a limit for me; I shouldn't be excessively joyful or sad. I don't know how to live a regular life anymore, especially since that it has affected the people I care about. I'll avoid harming myself as long as I can because I still want to see and be with the people that care about me. It was very difficult for me to not want to be with them; I wanted to be joyful throughout my time with them, but I couldn't because everything would turn to grief. It's the same thing that's going on between El and me.
I couldn't explain everything to her because I wasn't experiencing normal feelings. I didn't want to come to the point where she blamed herself again because I was doomed again. I knew she blamed herself when my illness struck, even though she didn't say so.
I couldn't explain how I felt when we sang at the karaoke station. But I'm certain those feelings are unnatural, which is why I keep a 2 meter space between us. I'm not sure what kind of emotion I was experiencing at the time, but one thing is certain: it was the first time I had ever experienced such feelings in someone else. It was the first time I had felt 'that' with El, and I had no idea where it came from. No matter how hard I tried to tell myself otherwise, it will never leave my mind. I'm also sure that if I don't find a means to relieve the tension in my body, it will put me in risk, so I took a shower in the mall's comfort room.
When my body became cold, the pressure in my body dissipated. While I relaxed in the water, I pondered whether El would forgive me. I'm sure she wasn't expecting it. I wanted to hurt myself for ruining our day together because she had so much fun earlier. I know she promised we'd make the most of the day because we didn't know when it would happen again, but we ended up being disappointed. I hurt her.
I didn't explain everything, and I could tell she was perplexed. I hurt her and expected she would leave me, but my suspicions were mistaken. She was still there when I emerged from the restroom and attempted to ask as to what the problem was, but I refused to explain.
I claimed I didn't want to see her, but that wasn't the case. I needed to be alone initially because I was already perplexed. I'm not sure why my sentiments for El have shifted. I'm not like this, and I'm not sure why it's happening to me. If I let go of everything, unpleasant things will happen.
El was forced to go, and I'm grateful she didn't object to what I said. I'll remedy everything when it's clear to me how I actually feel, and perhaps she'll still be willing to listen to me when I'm ready to explain.
It was still raining heavily when I exited the mall, and I realized how foolish I was when I looked at the umbrella I was carrying. I forced El to leave and return home, oblivious to the fact that she had no an umbrella.
"How can I get home when it's pouring outside? Possibly my son is looking for me," a woman holding a grocery bag conveyed.
I gulped before approaching her. "Do you want to use my umbrella? Our house is close by, and I also want to walk home. I want to have a shower in the rain." "Are you sure?" the ladies asked with a smile.
I gave her my umbrella with a nod. She taken it in my palm with her eyes gleaming with thanks. "Thank you so much; I'm not sure how I can repay your compassion," she added, "I won't refuse it either because I really need to get home because I just left my child with my neighbor."
I nodded with a bow and said, "You're welcome. I have to go, take care," looking at her gain.
"Thank you, and take care," she said with a broad smile.
I began walking in the midst of a torrential downpour. What I did to El never gone on my mind and I don't know where to start to explain everything to her.
Did she endure walking while the rain was pouring down?
Has she returned home safely?
How is she?
I hope she is well.
Where is she?
We agreed to text each other once we arrived home, but I have yet to get a message from her. I hope she's okay, and I hope it never crosses to her that she did something I didn't like, and as a result, my treatment of her changed. I have no issues with her, and my problem is with myself.
Why am I, out of all the people in the planet, one of the people who suffers from allergies? I had waited a long time to see my childhood friend again, and now that I have, my every action is limited. As usual, I didn't give her enough time, and she was affected by all of my limitations whenever we were together. When she's around me, she always adjusts herself. She always made me feel at ease while I was with her, as if everything was normal with her and that it was fine for her to adjust for me. She never made me feel as if I was disturbing her, and I even got some of her rest time. When I'm with her, I always feel loved, and I hope she knows how much I care about and appreciate her.
While walking, a jeep stopped in front of me. I wasn't tired, but I rode because I was lying to the woman when I said my house was close by. I clutched to the door since I couldn't get into the jeep because I was so soaked.
I instantly checked my phone when I arrived at my apartment. I checked to see if El was at home, but she hadn't texted me yet. I was worried, but I assumed she had simply forgotten to text me. I texted her to let her know I'd arrived at the apartment, and then I showered.
I checked my phone again after having a bath, but she had not responded to my text. Perhaps she was insane, or she just needed to be alone. And I'll respect that as much as he respects my choice.
To give myself a break from all that had happened, I simply went to sleep. I fell asleep quickly, and when I awoke, I immediately checked to see if El had left me a message.
It's 8:00 p.m. now. I was expecting a text from her in the evening, but I didn't get one. I couldn't escape the feeling of being apprehensive, so I went to the kitchen and drank some cold water. When I returned to the room, I texted her again because I was worried.
To: El
Good evening, El. I respect your decision to be alone, but i want to make sure if you"re doing fine. I will wait for you reply.
I send it to her and then lay down on my bed with my phone. I waited for her response while staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out how to explain everything to her.
I got out of bed because I hadn't received a text from her after almost ten minutes. I sighed and walked over to my room's air conditioner. I was jittery, but I forced myself to relax. I texted her again to inform her that I will be seeing her.
To: El
I"m worried. I'll go there.
After I sent the message, I replaced my t-shirt with a hoodie jacket. I grabbed my extra umbrella and then left the apartment. I just walk every time I go to her apartment but now, I take the bus to make it easier.I knocked on the door as soon as I arrived. She didn't open the door straight away, which surprised me because I was used to her opening the door quickly.
After about a minute, it still hadn't opened, so I considered knocking again, but as I was about to knock, the door barely opened. I lost the little nervousness I was feeling because the door had already opened but I didn"t know how I would feel when someone else peeked at me. He"s not El and that"s surprising because that person is a man. I didn"t know him and I just saw him now.
"Who are you looking for?" he asked, his gaze fixed on me.
"Where's El?" I questioned, and he turned around.
He said, "He's looking for you," as if he was talking to El.
Surprisingly, and despite the fact that I have no right to be jealous, I do. El and I are just friends, but I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way. Maybe I"m just not used to having another man in her life besides me so I feel it.
Soon, El also peeked. I looked at her and decided to check if she was OK and when I didn't see anything strange, I couldn't help but frown.
Was she so preoccupied with this man that she didn't even have time to text me when she arrived home earlier? Is the man she's with so important to her that she refuses to reply to my texts? I'm very concerned, but the person about whom I'm concerned is with someone else.
El and I exchanged stares, and the look of surprise on her face was palpable. I don"t know where she was nervous and wondering; when I suddenly came or she couldn't explain to this man why i am visiting her at this time.
"Do you know him, El?" The man asked but El did not answer him.
She was just staring at me and I couldn"t understand why she was implying that she could explain to whatever I was seeing.
I want to answer her that I don"t need an explanation. I'd like to tell her that I don't require an explanation. I'm just curious about who this guy is, and she doesn't have to explain. I'm no longer in charge, and everyone has their own space. I'm just his friend; I'm not her parent, so I don't need to know everything. She's intelligent, and I know she won't let anyone into her apartment unless she trusts them.
The man asked again, referring to me, "El, do you know this man?"
El had answered the man a few seconds before, but her attention was still fixed on me.
"I know him; he's a friend of mine."
The guy welcomed me with, "Oh, hi, bro."
He smiled when I looked at him. He extended his hand to me and then introduced himself.
"My name is Ivan."
I'm really familiar with his name. I'm not sure where I first heard or saw his name, but I recognized him. I reached out and shook his hand. "I'm Jas, El's childhood friend."
I immediately withdrew my hand and turned to El when she spoke. "Come in, Jas."
El went to the living room after Ivan left the door open to let me enter. I'd like to return home and give them some privacy, but I can't say no to El. Nevertheless, I won't remain here long because the environment bothers me. I'm not sure why, but I can sense it.
Ivan closed the door before going to the kitchen to give El and me privacy in our conversation. This is not the right time to tell her what happened at the mall because I am not sure how I feel yet, but I want to fix and restore our interactions.
"What are you doing here, Jas?" She asked seriously. I"m not used to her being like this but I can"t blame her. I hurt her feeling and even though we were just friends, I still did wrong to her earlier.
"I"m just worried. You didn"t update me if you're home and you don't reply to my texts," I explained.
She bit her lower lip and even though she hadn"t said it yet, I knew she hadn"t checked her phone.
"Sorry, Jas. I forget it. I slept all day and my phone was low battery. I am sorry," she apologized.
"You don't have to be sorry. I am the one who should ask for your forgiveness, El."
She smiled and get my hands but before she could speak, I immediately withdrew my hand. She was surprised and gulped.
"Your hand is hot, El. Do you have a fever?" I asked worriedly.