Chapter 47

El"s point of view
My day begins with a sense of joy and excitement in my heart. He was the first thing I saw when I initially opened my eyes, and I was extra happier because of his effort. Even though I didn't ask him to, I don't know why he did it. I couldn't help but be surprised and my heart warm at the same time since I didn't ask him to get my uniform and prepare our meal.
I must be the one making the effort because of my shortcoming; due to my one month absence; and because he went to the apartment for two nights to see me but he didn't see me because I wasn't in the apartment. I get guilty in everything but he doesn"t even make me feel like I"m wrong and he"s sulking at me.
When he open-up about he can"t help not to compare himself to Ivan, I felt saddened for him. It never entered my mind that he was thinking that because I wasn't comparing him from Ivan. They are both important in my life but I feel differently for them. However, I couldn"t comprehend what their abilities were, thus I was surprised and saddened when Jas told me about his insecurities when it came to Ivan.
I have no idea why he thought to compare himself to Ivan. He has things he can't do because of his condition but I didn"t do something that can be a reason for him to felt that he is lacking in me. I don"t know how I can get out of his mind that he doesn"t have to compare himself because it"s enough for me who and what he is. I know it"s hard to control our heart because I feel the same way on what he feels. I also couldn"t help but compare myself to Baki and I didn"t think Jas felt the same way about Ivan.
In the end, we forgot about that thing and we enjoyed eating. I am happy that I can see in his eyes the genuine happiness he felt and I allowed myself to be true in front of him. I didn"t fake myself; I temporarily put aside the truth to forget how I felt about him and allowed myself to be true to how I felt.
It's so much fun when you do what your heart wants. You are enthusiastic because you are with the person you are resting with. Hopefully the time will come when I have nothing to think about and I no longer have difficulty because I am with the person who gives me the rest I need. I hope it"s always like this; hopefully there will be a miracle and move to Ivan what I feel for Jas. Hopefully it's all over but if this is always the case, I know it's unlikely what I want to forget will happen.
When we finished eating breakfast, I spent a few minutes before I picked up my bag that was in his room. Before I left, I looked at every corner of his room. I am not sure if I will have the opportunity to come back here again and I wish this would happen again.
I was about to exited his apartment, but there"s something stopping me and I know I won"t be relieved if I don"t follow my heart"s desire. I don't see anything wrong with what I'm going to do because even then, we've been doing it.
I open my arms to convey that I need a hug from him. I can see in his eyes that he was confused on me so I told him that I needed his hug. He walked slowly towards me while he was looking directly in my eyes. I have no idea what is currently on his mind. He had no expression and I couldn't imagine how he felt so when he got close in front of me, I immediately hugged his waist.
I close my eyes while hugging his waist. I leaned my face on his chest and like I heard before in his chest, his heart were beating so fast. I am aware that his heart is beating abnormally but I don"t know what the reason is. I don't know if he's scared, nervous, or because he's too happy so that's his heartbeat was fast but I don"t have the courage to ask him why.
I waited for him to hug me back but he spent about a minute before he hugged me which lasted for ten seconds. I"d like to make our hug longer but I didn"t do anything because he was the first to depart from our hug.
He couldn"t look at me and I didn"t know why I felt he wasn"t comfortable anymore so I let him know I was leaving. I exited his apartment and started heading down the high way. It"s already 6:18 in the morning and I can get to our school early because usually, I leave my apartment at 6:30 am. Jas' apartment is also quite close compared to the distance from the campus to my apartment.
As I sit in the waiting shed, I take a deep breath and wait for the bus to arrive. I was wondering why Jas was acting that way and why he had such a fast heartbeat earlier, but I had no idea, thus I disregarded. I forced myself to forget the questions that were bugging my head as it wouldn't be a good idea if I didn't quit overthinking.
I rose as I spotted the approaching bus. The bus halted in front of me as I exited the waiting shed. I immediately looked for a seat and the journey went off without a hitch.
***
"El, our tournament is tomorrow," Ivan reminded me. We were here at the mall and just finished our lunch break so we thought of walking around the mall while eating ice cream. The flavour of what we ate was the same dark chocolate and I was the one who treated him. He was happy and I was glad that he accepted. Usually, he is the one who treats me foods and I rarely do that to him because I only have timing once.
"Where's your tournament?" I asked him.
"Our school will organize the competition. There have been five previous battles in our entire region, we won and we battled another region," he added. "We've already put in a lot of effort, and just two regions will compete for the championship, and whomever wins will be crowned the finest soccer player in our country," he continued.
"You are so good. You have defeated various regions and you have reached the championship," I stated and I can"t help not to be amazed at them. I didn"t know the game of soccer when I was still in the province so I had no idea how to play it. It was my first time when I watch a live soccer game at their practice and I believe it is good to play.
I have no interest in outdoor games because I wasn't used to it even when I was young. I prefer to stay indoors and talk to myself while facing the mirror. I can do acting but that was when I was young and I don"t know if I can do it now. I don't think I can do that anymore because I'm sure even to myself I'll be ashamed.
"Why did it take so long before you fought for the championship?" I asked.
"We were given enough rest. We rested for almost 7 months," she answered and I nodded again before I asked another question.
"Do you really love soccer? How old were you when you started playing soccer?"
"Actually, when our coach was looking for players for soccer, I immediately volunteered but I didn't know anything about soccer then. I only learned because of my co-members and it is not difficult to play," he answered.
"My schedule tomorrow is night class so I'm sure I can watch your tournament," I said as I looked at him, smiling.
As I looked into his eyes, I couldn"t really see that I liked him. I don't know whether he feels my feelings for him because I just feel like his just a friend to me. When he's with me, I'm pleased, but that's about it. I'm not sure what else I can do to make me feel the same way he does for me, and I'm going to quit pressuring myself if I don't feel what I'm hoping to feel for him after his birthday.
That"s the reality, we can"t force the things that aren"t really destined to happen. I don't know how to tell him but I'll think about it later when the right time comes and nothing will change how I feel.
He laughed and he placed his palm over my head. "We have no classes tomorrow, El. I am sure that most of the CU students will watch the tournament so that they can enjoy our school," he stated.
I barely laughed because of what he said. "Is that the case? I"m sorry, I am not updated."
"Don't be sorry. The important is you already know it. I'll give you two VIP tickets later for Aly's seat tomorrow," he said and I nodded. "You should cheer me tomorrow. I play soccer but I'm not good at it but no one knows if tomorrow my armour will suddenly work because of your cheers," he added, chuckling.
I pinch his flank and I rolled my eyes at him. "You"re crazy," I stated and the smile on his lips faded.
"Why? Don"t you like to cheer me?" He asked, pouting. He starts acting like a child who was not given a lollipop.
"I will cheer you tomorrow. Do you want me to bring another mega phone for you to hear?"I joked.
The smile immediately returned to his lips. "I hope you do that," he said. I look at him sharply and he gave me a peace sign by his finger. "I"m just kidding, El. Don"t be too serious, are you mad at me?"
"No, I"m not," I answered.
"But you look mad at me," he stated.
"I'm not mad. Do you really want to make me mad? " I asked and he immediately shook his head. "Don"t worry, I will cheer you tomorrow," I added.
He smiled and said, "Thank you in advance. Promise, I'll do my best."
"Don't believe that you are not good. You can"t get to the tournament if you"re not good. You should trust yourself and you should also believe that you can do the thing you want without me. Believe that you can because you are good and you will do your best because you like what you do," I explained.
As I watched their practice, I saw that he was good at the game. They are all good and Baki is really outstanding. Baki is the team captain so she is naturally good compared to her team mates. Baki is a woman but she was able to excel with her male team mates so who is a woman and a man who won't be impressed by her abilities? Maybe on our campus, I"m the only one who doesn"t admire her.
"Yes, Boss," Ivan stated while he was saluting at me. People passing in our direction kept looking at us.
We went back to campus and there were no lessons all day because all the teachers were prepared for the tournament tomorrow to be held at our school. Some students are also making banners while others are watching practice on the soccer field.
They were all busy but Aly and I were both in the library. As usual, she reads a sci-fic book while I am just facing the book but I can't move to the other page. I can"t focus and I"m thinking about what will happen tomorrow.
How can I cheer him? What will I do? How to cheer?