Chapter 44

"El, what happened to us?" he asked, breaking the silence between us. "Why? Why do I feel like you're avoiding me?" he added and I can"t do anything than to gulp.
How? How could I forget something I wanted to bury if this was the kind of question he was asking? I don't know why I feel dejected for what happened to us. Is it normal for him to feel for the friend or is he just like me who tries to ignore the feeling so that no one gets hurt in the end? I could no longer understand him; he shows various motives and he does not clarify everything.
I want to ask but I prefer to just wait for him to tell me how he really feels about me. I don"t want to assume and when I ask him, what if what I have in mind is wrong? What if I don't feel right? If I ask him and my suspicions are not correct, he may will feel awkward and he will think why I asked that.
"El, just tell me if I'm a hindrance to your life-"
I didn"t want to hear what he had to say so I didn"t finish what he was saying and put my palm on his mouth. I don"t have to hear his question as per the fact that it doesn"t matter to me anymore. He was not a hindrance to my life; he meant so much to my life and it was my fault why he felt like he was just disturbing my life. I did not intend for him to feel that way and it did not even enter my mind how my personal decisions would affect him.
"I"m sorry, Jas. I was just really busy," I lied. I removed my palm from his mouth and then continued. "I miss you. I am waiting for you to visit me in the apartment; I'm waiting for your messages. I can't make the first move because I thought you were busy too. I don't want to be disturbed by what you are doing."
He snort and ask, "When did you hear me say that you are a hindrance to my life, El?" I shook my head in response to him. "You don't tell me anything so I thought you were avoiding me especially when I went to your apartment, but you were not there. I don't know anything about the perfect ones in your life so think I don"t have any value to you."
I swallowed and did not respond to what he said. We just stare each other and I can see in his eyes that he was confused. I also wanted to let him know that I was confused as well; I was already perplexed by his actions and I didn"t know how I would know the truth because I couldn"t afford to ask him.
I bit my lower lip and ask him, "why? What do you want to know from me?"
I have this idea that he wants to hear from me what Ivan and I really are. That"s all I didn"t tell him and I don"t know how to answer when that"s what he asked. My heart and mind wanted different things so I had to think about what I would say to him first. I regret that I did not tell him about Ivan. I regret that I chose not to give him clarity then. He hadn"t asked me before but I didn"t open the conversation because I thought, it was clear to him so I let him think what was on his mind.
He take a deep breath and ask me while looking directly in my eyes. I"m nervous and I"d like to avoid my gaze from him, but his eyes are conveying that I should answer him while also looking at his eyes. "El, did you like Ivan?"
I didn"t expect that he will ask those questions. I literally swallowed because I thought he was going to ask what Ivan and I status. I don"t know what to say to him and I just want not to answer him and just smile at him, but I have no choice but to answer. I couldn"t lie but I also couldn"t tell him that he was the one I like so it was hard for me to answer his question.
I gulp again and answer him. "I don't know yet, Jas. I'm still not sure if I like him."
I have this idea that he thought I liked Ivan, thus he was shocked by my answer to him. Aside from being shocked, I don"t know how else he feels now that he"s heard my side.
"Are you two dating?" he asked and I nod. "How long?" he added.
"It's been a month, Jas," I immediately answer. I ignored how I felt and just told him what was the truth between Ivan and me.
"A month? Then you still don't know if you like him?" he asked and I nodded. He smiled and I wondered so I asked him.
"Why are you smiling?" I asked and he shook his head.
"Nothing," he answered, but I didn"t believe him. I won"t force him if he doesn"t want to say his reason but I won"t believe he has no reason. "Last night, you were not at home. You know that we are going to Nanay Lao's café, but you didn't even text me that you were going to do something," he stated.
"I"m really sorry, Jas. I went to my friend's house. I spent the night at Aly's house because we were doing research," I lied. I can't tell him what really happened that night for the reason that I don't want him to know how stupid Ivan and I are. I"m also not sure how he would react when he found out, so it would be better for him not to know so that his expression now will not change.
His face is now calm and his expression is back to normal. I can see that he is marvelous and I don"t want to change it. I feel like we're back to normal and I won't do anything that could be an excuse for us not to get along.
I already decided that I will make time for him. I will never avoid him and I want everything to be fine. I will also be able to forget how I feel about him even when we meet and get together and I don"t have to stay away from him. We"re friends and I"d like to forget my feelings for him, but not our friendship so I don"t have to worry every time we meet or talk.
"Let's forget what happened, El. I just want to say that I hope our friendship will remain even you and Ivan are dating," he stated while smiling.
I can"t utter any words and I averted my gaze from him. I simply look at the ceiling and I observe the stars. I"d like to buy this light to put on my bedroom. It is so relaxing to see and if the events of your whole day are tiring, you don't have to go out of the house to see the stars because they are right there in your room. It"s not really stars and moon, but I"m just thinking of watching a movie while there"s it around me, I"m thrilled.
"Where did you buy this?" I asked him, referring to the start and moon projector.
"Why? Do you want that too?" he asked and I nodded without looking at him. "I'll just buy you," he added.
"No, you don"t have. I know it is expensive. I can buy it for myself," I stated.
"It's not too much so let me buy you," he said and I looked at him.
He was smiling and I am smiling as well. I could do nothing but agree with what he said and when I nodded at him, I didn't know why he approached my position. I"d like to avoid my gaze from him, but his eyes are hypnotizing me. He was getting closer to me and there was no space behind me so I did nothing to keep our distance. He cornered me; my back is leaning at the side of the sofa while his hand is cornering my body. I don"t know what he will do because he looks straight into my eyes while his face has no expression.
In my estimated, we were only 12 inches away from each other and I couldn"t move my seat to avoid him. I have no idea what he was going to do so as he approached, I just closed my eyes and soon, I felt his index finger stick to the side of my eye.
He chuckled and I open eyes in a slow motion. When I looked at him, he was smiling and our distance remain close to each other. I"d like to ask him why and what he did, but I am afraid that he will smell my breath.
"You already have a morning star, El," he stated and when I realized what he was talking about, I immediately checked my eyes by my index finger. He chuckle and said, "I already remove it."
He returned to his previous position so our distance was no longer close. I had no idea what the current time was so I took my phone in the shoulder bag I was carrying to ease my feeling. I felt embarrassed!
"What time is it?" he asked.
"It"s already 2:51 a.m.," I answered without looking at him.
"You don't have a class tomorrow?" he asked again and I nodded as a response.
"My schedule tomorrow is night class."
He frowned and asked me what day it was. "Today is Thursday, Jas," I answered, chuckling. "What are you thinking and you can not remember the days?"
He avoided his gaze at me and bit his lower lip. He seemed to be thinking and when he remembered the matter, he turned his gaze back to me. "It's Thursday right now? I thought it was only Wednesday," he stated and I laughed. I opened my phone again and I went to the calendar application to show him that it was Thursday now.
I gulped as I saw the day and the smile on my lips literally lost. He immediately questioned while laughing. "What happened, El? Why do you look like you saw a ghost?" he asked and he approach my sit. He looked at my phone and then patted my forehead. "I should be the one to ask you what you are thinking because you don't know what days it is. Your mind is too advanced, El," he stated.
I seemed to be a withered vegetable because my body was now lethargic. I felt weak seeing that I have class tomorrow, but I haven't slept yet. My late sleep is getting more frequent and it is no longer good for my health.
I actually thought today is Thursday and I don"t know why I thought wrong. Maybe I'm just really excited to talk to Jas so it happened. I"m not sure if I won"t be sleepy tomorrow in class and the longer I am here, the longer the chance that I will be sleepy tomorrow.
I look at him while the sadness is in my eyes. I thought I would be here for a long time, but because of my fucking advanced mind, that wouldn't happen. "I have to go home, Jas," I stated.
The smile on his face never faded despite of my expression. I never knew where he was happy; whether in my advanced thinking or because I'm going home.
"Rest in my room. Go to sleep," he stated and i immediately frowned at him.
"What are you talking about? I have a class tomorrow and I don't have a uniform," I replied.
"Just sleep in my bedroom. No bus will pass at this time. If you walk, what time will you get to your apartment?" He asked. "Just go to sleep and I'll take care of your uniform," he suggested.
For a few seconds I couldn't believe what he said and I had to sigh for me to speak. "Are you sure?" I asked and he nodded. "But, you'll get tired, Jas."
"I'm not going to run so how can I get tired? I will not walk and I will use a motorcycle just to go fast," he stated.
I just remembered that the motorcycle he used when we first went on a road trip belonged to Baki. He only borrows the motorcycle whenever he needs it, but when he goes to the apartment he just walks because it is more fun when he walks.
I gulped and nodded at him. He stood up so I stood up too. "Just go into my room and when I arrive you should be sound asleep," he said and he slightly patted the top of my head. "I'm just fast," he added.
"What if Baki is asleep? How do you get the key?" I asked. I also thought that Baki might ask where he was going and I didn"t want that woman to know that I was here so I had to tell Jas not to let Baki know that I was here and where he was going.
"Don"t worry, I have the key to her motor. I don't have to ask for her permission because she's fine no matter when I use it," he answered.
I nodded and said, "take care."
He nodded as well while smiling. "For you, I will."