Chapter 34

Jas" point of view
I nodded in accord with her proposal that I sleep in her place. It is hard for me to deny that it affects my mood. When she approached and hugged me around the waist, my stomach dropped and I couldn't budge from my stance. The anxiousness flowed through my body as she put his face against my chest. I felt my heart racing for a few seconds, and I knew she heard it. I'm not sure what she was thinking when listening to my irregular heart rhythm, and I wish she could feel how vibrant I am now. I hope she knew that whenever she is with me, my being brightens, but I know she won't because she has no idea what I am feeling for her.
I wish I had the guts to admit my feelings for her; I hope I could prove to her that I am worthy of her; I wish I didn't have my illness so that I could love her freely. My decision was correct; she deserved someone who could always find time to love, care for, and make an effort for her.
I regain my composure and return her hug. My hands were on her waist as I pushed her toward me. My mind didn't think of it, but my body did. I was surprised as well, but I have no regrets; I preferred this posture as I can sense that we are both finding comfort in the warmth.
She's slender, and her fragrance is one among my favorites. She has already changed; she no longer smells like the sun as we did as children; I am also taller than her, and I will never forget what she told me before that by the time we meet, I should be taller than her.
"Can we just stay like this for a minute?" I asked. I'm really hoping to make our embrace last, and I feel like this is my last chance to do so. I need to set limits and boundaries between us because it's no longer the case that no one will be jealous of El and keep an eye on her.
I was expecting her to say no to what I asked for, but she nodded. I smiled, and we were surrounded in silence till we departed. The light was also on her face when I looked at her. I adore how she offered me a genuine smile; she appears more dainty and distinct.
I said, "Those are the longest hugs I've ever received, El." She chuckled, and I had no idea why, so I asked her why.
"We're the same, Jas. That was the longest hug I've ever had," she said.
I responded with a nod, and something from the past came to me. I told her that, and we also hugged for the shortest time. I remembered the last time she hugged me; we were on the roof and her mother called her, so our hug was brief.
"I can't remember when, Jas," she laughed. "When did it happen?" she asked, and I couldn't deny that a thorn in my heart prickled.
Why hasn't she remembered anything? We've spent a lot of time together, and there are moments when I want to reminisce about our childhood. I'm still stumped as to why she has no memory of the past. I still don't know the complete reason behind her mother's death; she claimed she died in a road crash, but that wasn't enough for me. She makes no mention of what has happened to her since they had departed our province. I'm tempted to ask, but I'm hesitant since I feel she would be uncomfortable in such a discussion.
I asked her if she didn't remember anything and immediately regretted it. She apologised for her inability to remembering anything from our past. I wanted to hug her again and apologize because I could sense she was under a lot of stress when I asked her. I didn't mean to, and I won't ask her again; instead, I'll just wait for her to remember everything, because I'm confident she will. She lost good memories and I was a part of her past, thus she didn't have to force herself because she could remember everything; not now, but when the time is right.
She smiled as I told her she didn't need to put any strain on herself. She said, "It's late, let's go to bed."
I gulped and volunteered to sleep in the living room, but she declined. She said it was fine if I slept in her room and that we could just sleep next to each other like we had before. I couldn't help but nod because I don't see why sleeping near to each other is a bad idea.
When I called her, she was going to walk inside her room. She appears to have forgotten about lending me clothes, which is why I remind her.
She laughed and replied, "I'm sorry, I forgot it."
I couldn't stop grinning as well. I asked, "Are you looking forward to sleeping with me, El?"
That's what sprang to mind, for some reason. I didn't want to let go of that question, but I did, and I'm still not sure why my blood pressure and pulse rate skyrocketed.
She didn't say anything, and I remained rigid in my stance as a reaction. The heat crept up my face as I gulped. I panicked and ran to the bathroom, removing all of my clothing and turning on the shower. As the cool water rushes over my body, I close my eyes. My heartbeat and blood pressure returned to normal as soon as I felt the chill I needed. I looked up, unfazed with the water splashing on my face. Nothing hurts more than I ever have right now, thus I can't feel the pain any longer.
Is this how it goes in my life? Is it possible that my temperature will never return to normal? I didn't deserve these fucking allergies, and no one does, so why is this illness extant? I also wish to live a regular life; yet, because I am only human, I am not always able to maintain my composure.
I didn't respond when El called my name, "J-as!"
Because of El's unusual impact on me, this is the second time it has happened to me. This is why she is unworthy of my attention. It wouldn't be healthy if we were always together, and even if I wanted to stay with her, I knew what was happening to me now would happen again if I did.
I yelled out, "El!" She hasn't responded, and I'm sure she's looking me. "El, I'm in the comfort room! I'll reach out and take the clothing you've agreed to lend me!" I yelled.
"Are you taking a bath, Jas?" she said as I put my hand out the door, and she quickly put the clothes she was going to lend me in my hand. I shut the door behind me and hung up the dress I was wearing.
While the water was still falling on my body, I leaned against the wall. I'm afraid I'll have to tell her as I'm certain she'll blame herself. This is all due to my heart; despite my best efforts, I am unable to control my feelings. No one, including myself, can control how I truly feel.
I waited in the shower for a few minutes longer before getting dressed, and then I carefully exited the comfort room. I looked at the dining table right away to see whether El was there, but she wasn't. I went straight to the living room and saw her laying and sleeping on the sofa.
Our faces are at the same level because I sat on the floor. She didn't stir when I held her cheeks, indicating that she was sound asleep. I hung her hair over her ear that had dropped off her face. I memorize every angle of her face as I stare at her.
I kissed her forehead and whispered, "I'm sorry." She'd slept off while waiting for me; I had no idea anyone was waiting for me. I apologize every time I hurt her, but I continue to do so. I can't help but compare myself to Ivan as she constantly adjusts for me. She doesn't need to be adjusted for Ivan; he can give her the love, care, and effort she deserves, so who am I to intervene? Ivan and El are the definition of perfection, as their social media supporters have stated.
Ivan is at the very top of the pyramid, and I pale in comparison. He is famous, although I am a nobody; he can do whatever he wants, whereas I am limited in my life; he is wealthy, while my parents left me. I can only be on the same level with him in one area, and that is intelligence. I can only be proud of my intelligence because I'm not famous, talented, or wealthy. I can't even match his looks. He is the type of man that women desire.
I got up and walked over to the kitchen. To feel chilled, I drank cold water. If before I was overjoyed, now I feel very sad. I am safe by just being calm and there is nothing I can do to change my situation.
I returned to the living area after sipping a glass of water. I walked over to El's room, lifting her up. She's a small child, thus she's light. I don't get tired carrying her as her room is close by. A memory resurfaced in my mind as I felt her full weight.
We were both seven at the time, and El had a fever, so I went to school alone. In fact, I didn't want to go to school that day since I wanted to care for her, but she made me go. Because she wasn't around, my classmates bullied me; I didn't have a defender and didn't know how to defend myself. My classmates placed a bee on my foot, and the bee bit me, crippling me. I got a fever and was having trouble walking because of the pain. My classmates taunt me even though we are no longer on campus until we meet El. She defended me and carried me home on her back because she knew how difficult it was for me to walk. Even though she is a girl, she manages to carry me up to our house, despite the fact that she had just recovered from the fever.
I can't help but smile now that I'm carrying her. When we arrived at her bed, I gently lowered her into it. Before I covered her half-body with a blanket, I turned on the air conditioner. I lay beside her, staring at the ceiling and taking in the silence. I could smell her from the borrowed jacket, which I will never return. I'd like to keep it as a remembrance, and I'm hoping that the smell will persist even if I do my laundry.
Only lamps provide illumination, yet I can see El's serene expression as I glance at her. I want want her to be happy. Even if I was no longer the source of her joy, she deserved it. I know she's going through something because her eyes tell me so, and I'm not sure why she's attempting to keep it hidden from me. She is usually happy when she is with me, and she never mentions her problem, but I know she has one. I haven't figured it out yet, but I'll find it out. I'll figure something out, and I'm not going to tell her because I'm sure she'll deny she has a problem.
I was about to get her hair that fall on her face, but she turned her back to me and I took this as an opportunity to hug her. She didn"t move and as I smelled her hair, I was immediately enveloped in drowsiness.